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QOTD: Are You Ready For Showroom Neutrality? - The Truth About Cars
Think of the benefits to the public if every dealer was treated as a utility. You could get a Ferrari delivered to you in Peoria, or a Tesla in rural Alabama. The dealers might not like it, and some of the manufacturers might not like it, but the same was true of Comcast and Verizon during the Net Neutrality period. Most people don’t have all the dealerships near them. Why should they be penalized for a monopolistic lack of common infrastructure?

Or maybe something seems wrong to you about that. Can you articulate it logically? Or will the tide of American business continue to turn in the favor of the oligarch disrupters, regardless of its impact on local business?

network  networking  cars  satire 
2 days ago by whip_lash
Paris of Troy came in secret to Sparta and abducted Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world. When her husband, King Menelaus, learned of the crime, he did what any red-blooded Achaean warrior would: he filed a lawsuit.
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Paris of Troy came in secret to Sparta and abducted Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world. When her husband, King Menelaus, learned of the crime, he did what any red-blooded Achaean warrior would: he filed a lawsuit.
Mighty and dreadful were the ranks of his lawyers, for he ransacked all the vast treasuries of golden Sparta for attorneys' fees. To lead these hosts, he called upon great Agamemnon, son of Atreus, prince of the Bar Association of all Greece. So heavy was his briefcase that ten normal men could not lift it; so strong his glasses that they struck lesser men blind. Behind him marched the ten thousand lawyers of Mycenae, intelligent men all, each bearing gold-plated pens and wallets of real leather.

From Ithaka came wily Odysseus the divorce lawyer, who read law briefs as effortlessly as other men read newspapers. Close behind followed Diomedes, master of the closing argument, and mighty Ajax, whose fees could bankrupt entire villages. Next there arrived ancient Nestor and the lawyers of Pylos, clad in Arcadian polyester and fat with take-out meals.

Last of all came god-like Achilles, son of Thetis the sea-nymph. Proudly he came, clad in the custom-tailored suit fashioned by Hephaestus, craftsman of the gods, and upon his tie were painted scenes from the all great court cases of history. Here one could see Plessy debating Fergusen, and there, surrounded by a chorus of monkeys, Clarence Darrow gave his closing argument against William Jennings Bryan. Upon its bottom was the fearsome face of Rhadamanthus, judge of the Underworld, glaring balefully at the wincing image of O.J. Simpson.

By his side came his junior partner, Patroclus. Never before in judicial history have two lawyers been as inseparable as Achilles and Patroclus, nor shall ever they be again. Whenever Achilles argued a case, there sat Patroclus in the audience box, cheering him on, and whenever Patroclus argued a case, Achilles would stay up long into the night, helping him practice and prepare. As inseparable were they as thunder and lightning, as fire and smoke, as night and darkness.

When Priam, King of Troy, learned of the host gathered under the banners of Agamemnon, he turned pale with fear. Well he knew of the rage of Menelaus, of the compensatory damages he would demand, and of the additional punitive damages he would exact. Mighty was the wealth of Troy, jewels and coronets fashioned by gods and heroes, but all to naught would it come if Agamemnon's attorneys won their suit. And he begged of his son Paris that he return Helen to Menelaus, and agree to settle the matter out of court, lest the mighty walls of Troy be torn down and sold for scrap to pay for the Spartan king's emotional distress.

In that hour, almost did Paris turn away from the lawsuit, and petition for a pre-trial settlement. But Pallas Athena, whose bore a grudge ancient and implacable against Troy, hardened his heart, and a great resolve grew inside him to let the suit go to trial. And so he called upon all of the mighty attorneys of Ilium to build a case for the defense.

First he hired goddess-born Aeneas, son of Aphrodite, who could make juries swoon merely by winking at them, and Helenus the oracle, who knew what witnesses would say before they were even called to the stand. Penthesilea he hired, the Amazon lawyer who had cut off her left breast in order to better hold a briefcase, and Memnon, from deepest Ethiopia, an expert in civil rights suits. And to lead the defense team, he hired mighty Hector, driver of sports cars, whose Ferrari was as red as the blood of the rams sacrificed on the heights of Mount Ida, and faster than swift-winged Zephyrus.

When Agamemnon heard the news that Paris had hired mighty Hector's law firm, he knew that there would be no out-of-court settlement. So he rented from the men of Mycenae a thousand great corporate jets, to fly over the Aegean and bring his hosts to Troy. After many trials the hosts of the Achaeans at last reached the airport of Ilium, and from there headed to the great courtroom that stood by the banks of the Simois. Like to the courtrooms of Olympus it stood, its great stone blocks hewed by Heracles in days of old. Tall and strait were its fluted columns, like oaks as they rustle in the sacred groves of Dodona, and as comfy were its seats as the beds of the sea-nymphs in the grottos of Amphitrite. When a lawyer spoke, the microphones magnified his voice to sound like the bellowing of bulls, and when he was silent, a terrible hush would descend, like the quietude of the halls of Hades.

For a lawsuit of such import, Minos himself had come as judge. Two great Cyclopes had arisen from Tartarus as bailiffs, and the Fates, ever spinning their cloth, were the court clerks. One of the Cyclopes handed Minos his gavel, a thunderbolt fashioned in the smithies of Hephaestus, and so the trial began.

When Agamemnon arose to speak, so dreadful was his opening argument that the greater part of the Trojans turned to flee, as if their city had already been confiscated. So when Poseidon, the Maker of Earthquakes, strikes his trident into the deep; fish and seals flee in terror, and the ground itself shakes like a wounded thing; not otherwise did the opening arguments of Agamemnon shake the courtroom of Ilium. And when he had finished, the jury all stood as one man, ready and willing to pronounce Paris guilty of wrongful abduction.

But then Hector, driver of sports cars, rose to speak. And as he spoke, he accused the Achaeans of wasting the time of the courtroom, so obviously frivolous was their suit. The everlasting love between Helen and Paris he referenced, and the decision of Aphrodite, goddess of love, that Paris should have the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife. Even as he spoke, the jury conferred, deciding as one man that Paris was utterly innocent, that the Danaeans should not only return home to their shores but that the gold of Agamemnon should pay Paris' attorneys' fees, so frivolous his lawsuit. And when he had finished this, next he attacked the Achaeans' corporate jets, demanding to know whether they had the proper clearances to land in Trojan airspace, whether their pilots were properly trained, and more than all these, he attacked their safety certification. Upon hearing this, the Achaeans quaked with fear, knowing that at any moment their jets might be confiscated and themselves stranded in Troy without hope of return.

But before Minos could order the Greek jets confiscated, Achilles rose to speak. Much did the attorneys of Greece and Troy marvel at his suit, crafted by the gods, and at his tie, decorated as it was with the great court cases of history. But even more marvelled they at his savage objections, his terrifying points of order, his encyclopaedic knowledge of airline safety regulations. And with each section of the airline safety code he explained, Patroclus egged him on, until the Trojans fled the courtroom in fear, until sunset was upon them, and so ended the first day of the trial.

And in the Four Seasons' hotel, where the Greeks had made their camp, there was much rejoicing, and downing of great quantities of wine and spirits. But Calchas, the oracle, grew wary, and begged that the party might end and the Greeks get some rest for the days that were to come. Still further they partied, until, even at the stroke of midnight, Agamemnon drunk with wine and victory started making out with Briseis, secretary to Achilles.

Then god-like Achilles waxed great in anger, and demanded an apology from Agamemnon. But Agamemnon, angry as he was at being upstaged by Achilles in the deliberations of the day, refused. And at that point, Achilles swore a mighty oath - that until Agamemnon gave him control of the prosecutorial team, he should argue no more, but sit in his room at the Four Seasons skulking and watching Pay-Per-View movies.

As the next day dawned, the motorcade of the rented cars of the Greek attorneys drove to the courtroom with heavy hearts. But the Trojans, seeing that their foe had lost its champion, redoubled their efforts. Goddess-born Aeneas called Aphrodite to the stand and established that she had given Paris permission to carry Helen away. Then swarthy Memnon played the race card, asking whether Paris was being persecuted for his Trojan ancestry, and Penthesilia established a history of marital strife between Menelaus and Helen. And far-shooting Apollo himself blessed the Trojans, so that each of their objections hit true, and he set a veil of confusion upon the Greek cross-examiners, whose words seemed like mere babble, and whose points the jury missed entirely.

As dusk fell, the Greeks stood on the verge of being kicked out of Troy entirely. They returned to their camp at the Four Seasons full of fear, and immediately Agamemnon rented out the conference room and held a meeting with wily Odysseus. The prince of Ithaca begged him to allow Achilles to lead the prosecution, but Agamemnon's heart was hard, and three times he placed a curse upon the son of Peleus, and upon the day he ever entered law school. Then Odysseus knew he would have to develop a plan on his own.

And so Odysseus dressed Patroclus up in the god-tailored suit of Achilles, and draped around him the tie of Achilles, and handed unto him business cards saying "Achilles, son of Peleus, Attorney at Law". And all to whom he gave these business cards believed him to be Achilles, and so the Trojan lawyers fled from the courtroom as he arrived. Inspired, Patroclus made many incisive points, and all the members of the jury and the audience marvelled at the might and the wisdom of Achilles.

But Hector alone was unfazed, and he stood and countered all of Patroclus' arguments. Then he attacked Patroclus himself, impugning his honor, revealing that he had lied about his identity to … [more]
satire  funny  myths 
2 days ago by stormclouds
The Fifth Quarter’s new episode featuring Lonzo Ball is sports parody at its finest - Silver Screen and Roll
Bravo, everyone. Check out this hilarious short, then read our exclusive Q&A with the director of the series!
Lonzo Ball made his way to the Los Angeles Lakers last summer, as prophecized by his father LaVar, and things have been a little crazy since then. The duo has drawn the attention of national culture, and as we follow the Lakers, it’s impossible to avoid the buzz.
Lonzo has the potential to be a star in Hollywood with the spotlight shining on him from Day 1, and he nails his latest opportunity to diversify his portfolio in a brand new episode of The Fifth Quarter.
The series, produced by OBB Pictures, is in its second season and is currently releasing new episodes in batches every week. The latest episode, featuring Lonzo, LaVar, Marlon Wayans and Danielle Fishel — and a few other surprise cameos — is hilarious.
basketball  lonzo  lakers  interview  video  humor  satire 
3 days ago by rgl7194
Trump’s douchebag FCC chairman jokes about being a shill for Verizon | Consequence of Sound
Pai appears in a video with a Verizon vice president, who wants to "brainwash and groom a Verizon puppet to install as FCC chairman"
Next week, the FCC will vote to put an end to Obama-era net neutrality rules. The decision would have far-reaching implications for every American, as billion-dollar conglomerates like Comcast and Verizon would be given free reign to rule the Internet as they see fit. For example, internet service providers could conceivably create a two-tier pay-to-play Internet, where websites are charged extra fees for faster load speeds and other preferential treatments. ISPs could also slow down their competitors’ websites, block content it disagrees with, and impose data limits on users.
There’s nothing funny about the impending dismantling of the Internet, but don’t tell that to Ajit Pai, the Trump-appointed FCC chairman. Speaking at FCC’s annual gathering of the Federal Communications Bar Association this week, Pai joked about being a shill for ISPs. “In collusion—I mean, in conclusion, sorry, my bad—many people are still shell-shocked that I’m up here tonight,” he said. “They ask themselves, ‘how on earth did this happen?’ Well, moments before tonight’s dinner, somebody leaked a 14-year-old video that helps answer that question, and in all candor I can no longer hide from the truth.”
broadband  fcc  gov2.0  internet  net_neutrality  politics  title_ii  ISP  satire 
3 days ago by rgl7194
Ajit Pai jokes with Verizon exec about him being a “puppet” FCC chair | Ars Technica
“We want to groom a Verizon puppet to install as FCC chair,” Verizon says in skit.
On Thursday night in Washington, DC, net neutrality advocates gathered outside the annual Federal Communications Commission Chairman's Dinner to protest Chairman Ajit Pai's impending rollback of net neutrality rules.
Inside the dinner (also known as the "telecom prom") at the Washington Hilton, Pai entertained the audience with jokes about him being a puppet installed by Verizon to lead the FCC.
Pai was a Verizon associate general counsel from 2001 to 2003, and next week he will lead an FCC vote to eliminate net neutrality rules—just as Verizon and other ISPs have asked him to.
At the dinner, Pai played a satirical video that showed him planning his ascension to the FCC chairmanship with a Verizon executive in 2003. The Verizon executive was apparently Kathleen Grillo, a senior VP and deputy general counsel in the company's public policy and government affairs division.
The speech was apparently not supposed to be public, but Gizmodo obtained footage of Pai's remarks and the skit. You can watch it here.
broadband  fcc  gov2.0  internet  net_neutrality  politics  title_ii  ISP  satire 
3 days ago by rgl7194
Neat! This Man Thinks He Can Reconcile Being Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative
“I care a lot about the many social issues plaguing this country,” Jeremy said. “But I also care about making sure the government spends as little money as possible on doing anything to fix those issues.”

“Sure, I’m against any laws that limit people’s freedom, like preventing gay marriage or abortion,” said Jeremy. “That doesn’t mean that my taxes should go to economic safety nets that ensure those people don’t starve or die from preventable illness.”

Friends of Mr. Classon are just as astounded by his brazenly antithetical approach to his personal politics.

“I don’t know if he realizes that his political opinions don’t make sense,” said Florence Whitman, a close friend of Jeremy’s. “He can’t be all for ending the school-to-prison pipeline and then be totally against funding public schools. That’s just stupid.”

“It seems like he’s just latched onto a worldview that only helps others if it doesn’t require any effort on his part,” added his brother-in-law Kevin Daley.
reductress  funny  satire  politics  conservatives  liberals 
5 days ago by yolandaenoch
Enterprise FizzBuzz
FizzBuzz Enterprise Edition is a no-nonsense implementation of FizzBuzz made by serious businessmen for serious business purposes.
java  parody  satire  fizzbuzz  enterprise 
9 days ago by christianmlong

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