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Risk of Police-Involved Death by Race/Ethnicity and Place, United States, 2012–2018 | AJPH | Vol. 108 Issue 9
Objectives. To estimate the risk of mortality from police homicide by race/ethnicity and place in the United States.

Methods. We used novel data on police-involved fatalities and Bayesian models to estimate mortality risk for Black, Latino, and White men for all US counties by Census division and metropolitan area type.

Results. Police kill, on average, 2.8 men per day. Police were responsible for about 8% of all homicides with adult male victims between 2012 and 2018. Black men’s mortality risk is between 1.9 and 2.4 deaths per 100 000 per year, Latino risk is between 0.8 and 1.2, and White risk is between 0.6 and 0.7.

Conclusions. Police homicide risk is higher than suggested by official data. Black and Latino men are at higher risk for death than are White men, and these disparities vary markedly across place.

Public Health Implications. Homicide reduction efforts should consider interventions to reduce the use of lethal force by police. Efforts to address unequal police violence should target places with high mortality risk.
police  murder  Black  Latino  men  study  data 
9 weeks ago by Quercki
Mom’s blistering rant on how men should be blamed for all unwanted pregnancies going crazy viral.  | GOOD
Women enjoying sex does not equal unwanted pregnancy and abortion. Men enjoying sex and having irresponsible ejaculations is what causes unwanted pregnancies and abortion.
abortion  sex  men  cause  pregnancy  pro-choice  pro-life 
november 2018 by Quercki
Thread by @designmom: "I’m a mother of six, and a Mormon. I have a good understanding of arguments surrounding abortion, religious and otherwise. I've been listeni […]"
So… there are men willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career, so that they can experience a few minutes of _slightly_ more pleasure? Is that for real? Yes. Yes it is.
What are we talking about here pleasure-wise? If there’s a pleasure scale, with pain beginning at zero and going down into the negatives, a back-scratch falling at 5, and an orgasm without a condom being a 10, where would sex _with_ a condom fall? Like a 7 or 8?
So it’s not like sex with a condom is _not_ pleasurable, it’s just not _as_ pleasurable. An 8 instead of a 10. Let me emphasize that again: Men regularly choose to put women at massive risk by having non-condom sex, in order to experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure.
abortion  solution  men 
september 2018 by Quercki
Essay: "Men could eliminate abortions in 3 months or less without ever touching an abortion law" / Boing Boing
Gabrielle Blair posted a long Twitter thread about abortion. Here are all her tweets presented as a single essay. She makes a good case that men are 100% to blame for all unwanted pregnancies, and that abortions could be eliminated without making them illegal if they would simply wear condoms (or at least pull out before ejaculating). The entire essay is worth reading. Here's an excerpt:

Why would men want to have sex without a condom? Good question. Apparently it’s because for the minutes they are penetrating their partner, having no condom on gives the experience more pleasure.

So… there are men willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career, so that they can experience a few minutes of _slightly_ more pleasure? Is that for real? Yes. Yes it is.

What are we talking about here pleasure-wise? If there’s a pleasure scale, with pain beginning at zero and going down into the negatives, a back-scratch falling at 5, and an orgasm without a condom being a 10, where would sex _with_ a condom fall? Like a 7 or 8?
abortion  men  solution 
september 2018 by Quercki
ECHIDNE OF THE SNAKES: More Men Are Raped in US Than Women?
In 2008, the general percentages of sexual assault per 1000 non-institutionalized persons over the age of 12 in the US were 0.3% for men and 1.3% for women.  However hard I try, I cannot make the magnitude ranking of those percentages flip by adding that prison-and-jail data with proper population weights. Because the female victimization rate inside prisons and jails is still higher than the male victimization rates.

Looking at the population inside prisons and jails does decrease the overall difference between female and male sexual assault victimization rates. That's because the male population of prisons and jails is much higher than the female population and because sexual assault is much more common in those institutional settings than in the general population.

But it doesn't flip the percentages.  The Daily Mail article is wrong: Self-reported rates of sexual assault are still considerably higher for women than for men.
rape  men  prison  statistics 
may 2018 by Quercki
Men, women, and murder: gender-specific differences in rates of fatal violence and victimization. - PubMed - NCBI
J Trauma. 1992 Jul;33(1):1-5.
Men, women, and murder: gender-specific differences in rates of fatal violence and victimization.

Kellermann AL1, Mercy JA.
Author information

To study the potential differences that distinguish homicides involving women as victims or offenders from those involving men, we analyzed Federal Bureau of Investigation Uniform Crime Reports data on homicides that occurred in the United States between 1976 and 1987. Only cases that involved victims aged 15 years or older were included. Persons killed during law enforcement activity and cases in which the victim's gender was not recorded were excluded. A total of 215,273 homicides were studied, 77% of which involved male victims and 23% female victims. Although the overall risk of homicide for women was substantially lower than that of men (rate ratio [RR] = 0.27), their risk of being killed by a spouse or intimate acquaintance was higher (RR = 1.23). In contrast to men, the killing of a woman by a stranger was rare (RR = 0.18). More than twice as many women were shot and killed by their husband or intimate acquaintance than were murdered by strangers using guns, knives, or any other means. Although women comprise more than half the U.S. population, they committed only 14.7% of the homicides noted during the study interval. In contrast to men, who killed nonintimate acquaintances, strangers, or victims of undetermined relationship in 80% of cases, women killed their spouse, an intimate acquaintance, or a family member in 60% of cases. When men killed with a gun, they most commonly shot a stranger or a non-family acquaintance.
murder  death  men  women  data  statistics 
march 2018 by Quercki
100 Easy Ways to Make Women's Lives More Bearable - Broadly
to ensure that men aren’t missing direction, a few years ago I started compiling a list of easy actions that men can take to meaningfully support gender equality. Every year, I would post it on social media. Slowly, other women started contributing suggestions. So the list grew. And grew. It will likely never stop growing.

The suggestions cover many realms of life—from home, to work, to the ways we interact with strangers, to the language we use—but it is in no way comprehensive. Below, I’ve included a mere 100 entries out of the several hundred I’ve crowdsourced and personally compiled.

To the men reading: You may already do some of these things, and others you may not be in the position to do. But a good place to start is by, at the very least, reading the list through—in its entirety. And remember: These apply all year, not just during the annual 24 hours dedicated to half of the planet’s population.
women  day  howto  men  equality  feminism 
march 2018 by Quercki
KatyKatiKate: interrupt me one more time
Walls don't know they're walls, is what I'm saying. They don't live inside themselves. 

Oppressive systems of power are largely invisible to the oppressors. They're supposed to be. 

So it doesn't matter if you're not personally trying to shut down women's voices on purpose. What you need to understand is that when you are in a conversation with a woman, you both carry on your shoulders the weight of history - personal history, cultural history, the history of women not getting their own damn credit cards until 1974. The history that tells you that women won the right to vote in 1920 and conveniently forgets to remind you both that suffragists met outrage, panic, and violence in the majority of their male contemporaries, and that it was ONLY WHITE women who got the vote in 1920. Asian women and Native Americans got to vote for the first time in 1952. Black women could vote in 1965.

History DOES try to shut down women's voices. On purpose. About everything. And you know what they say: the past is present.
women  men  sexism  conversation  talkativeness  **** 
october 2017 by Quercki
20 Things Men Can Do RTFN to Support Women – Helen Rosner – Medium
But if you’re a man unsure of what you can do right now to support women, instant changes you can make this very second in your daily life that will make life better for women (and, bonus, for men too!), here you go:
Overcome your own transphobia. Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Accept the lived truth of NB and GNC people, whether or not they are women.
Be pro-choice and be vocal in support of reproductive rights. (And generous! Give to the National Network of Abortion Funds!) Understand that the opposite of reproductive choice is forced childbearing.
Support subsidized birth control. Support women’s healthcare. Support women’s preventative healthcare. Support medical trials that include (or even prioritize) women.
men  todo  solution  #meToo  feminism  sexual_harassment 
october 2017 by Quercki
What Keeps Happening? White Men With Guns | Bitch Media
Columbine. Virginia Tech. Colorado Springs. Sandy Hook. Aurora, Colorado. Isla Vista, California, Roseburg, Oregon. Orlando. Too many cities in the United States are now indelibly associated with the mass shootings that have become, perhaps more than anything else, a hallmark of life in America. A tweet from journalist Dan Hodges—“In retrospect Sandy Hook marked the end of the US gun control debate. Once America decided killing children was bearable, it was over”—and the Onion article titled “‘No Way to Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens” surface each time, as chilling as they were the first time. 

Since the devastating day five years ago at Sandy Hook Elementary, the nonprofit database Gun Violence Archive estimates that there have been at least 1,518 mass shootings that left at least 1,715 people dead and 6,089 wounded. Repeat: That’s in just the last five years. And this is happening at the same time that Congressional funding for research on gun violence as a cause of death has stalled out. And we all know why that is.
massacre  links  media  white  men  guns  murder  shooting  Las_Vegas  **** 
october 2017 by Quercki
Stephen Paddock Is a White Male Mass Shooter. That Makes Him Typical.
Stephen Paddock was an angry white man with a gun. Robert Lewis Dear, who killed three people and injured nine at a Colorado Planned Parenthood, was an angry white man with a gun. Dylann Roof, who killed nine people and injured one at a black church in Charleston, South Carolina, was an angry white man with a gun. Adam Lanza, who killed 28 people including 20 children at Sandy Hook Elementary, was an angry white man with a gun. Hell, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who killed 15 people and injured 24 at Columbine High School, were two angry white boys with guns. The Columbine massacre, which sparked a national conversation about the need for better gun control, was in 1999. It’s been 18 years of angry white men with guns appearing next to ever-more-enormous body counts, every few weeks, ever since.

Sure, there are outliers. Omar Mateen, who killed 49 people and wounded 58 at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida, was an angry non-white man with a gun. James Alex Fields, who is charged with killing Heather Heyer and injuring 19 others at a white supremacist counter-rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, was an angry white man with a car. But as a general rule, if you check three out of four boxes on the “angry/white/man/gun” list, you do, indeed, fit the stereotypical profile of a mass shooter. The question is why so many of us refuse to see that.
massacre  anger  White  men  gun 
october 2017 by Quercki
(12) Vicki Solomon - Vicki Solomon shared Dichos de un bicho's post.
Despite having built an empire that profited off the objectification and exploitation of women, a surprising number of "woke" men, who should know better, commemorated the death of Hugh Hefner. Well, gentlemen, here's to you! Working HARD to prove the old adage that we cis men are trash.

There is a whole series of these which you can find here:
Hugh_Hefner  sexism  feminist  men  comic 
october 2017 by Quercki
I'm Done Pretending Men Are Safe (Even My Sons) - Role Reboot
My sons won’t rape unconscious women behind a dumpster, and neither will most of the progressive men I know. But what all of these men share in common, even my sons, is a relentless questioning and disbelief of the female experience. I do not want to prove my pain, or provide enough evidence to convince anyone that my trauma is merited. I’m through wasting my time on people who are more interested in ideas than feelings, and I’m through pretending these people, these men, are safe.

I love my sons, and I love some individual men. It pains me to say that I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, and perhaps never have with a man, but it needs to be said because far too often we are afraid to say it. This is not a reflection of something broken or damaged in me; it is a reflection of the systems we build and our boys absorb. Those little boys grow into men who know the value of women, the value that’s been ascribed to us by a broken system, and it seeps out from them in a million tiny, toxic ways.

I don’t know what the balance is between supporting these men and educating them, but I know the toll it takes on me to try
misogyny  feminism  men 
july 2017 by Quercki
The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture | Dating Tips for the Feminist Man
To completely transform this culture of misogyny, then, men must do more than ‘not assault.’ We must call on masculinity to become whole and nurturing of self and others, to recognize that attachment needs are healthy and normal and not ‘female,’ and thus to expect of men to heal themselves and others the same way we expect women to ‘be nurturers.’ It is time men recognize and nurture their own healing gifts.
men  culture  rape  violence  peace  Love  solutions  feminism 
june 2017 by Quercki
Emotional Labor: What It Is and How To Do It - Brute Reason
Emotional labor is setting the same boundary over and over, and every time he says, “I’m sorry, I know you already told me this, I guess I’d just forgotten.”

Emotional labor is being asked to completely explain and justify my boundaries. “I mean, that’s totally valid and I will obviously respect that, I just really want to understand, you know?”

Emotional labor is hiding the symptoms of mental illness, pretending my tears are from allergies, laughing too loudly at his jokes, not because I’m just in principle unwilling to open up about it, but because I know that he can’t deal with my mental illness and that I’ll just end up having to comfort him because my pain is too much for him to bear.
emotional  labor  feelings  gender  men 
june 2017 by Quercki
Download the National Statistics Domestic Violence Fact Sheet

View all our domestic violence fact sheets 

On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.1
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.1
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.1
1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.1
On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.9
The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.10
Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.2
Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.2
19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.2
Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.2
Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.2
1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.1
Almost half of female (46.7%) and male (44.9%) victims of rape in the United States were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner.11
domestic_violence  rape  murder  statistics  men  abuse  family 
april 2017 by Quercki
The Distress of the Privileged | The Weekly Sift
 As the culture evolves, people who benefitted from the old ways invariably see themselves as victims of change. The world used to fit them like a glove, but it no longer does. Increasingly, they find themselves in unfamiliar situations that feel unfair or even unsafe. Their concerns used to take center stage, but now they must compete with the formerly invisible concerns of others.

If you are one of the newly-visible others, this all sounds whiny compared to the problems you face every day. It’s tempting to blast through such privileged resistance with anger and insult.

Tempting, but also, I think, a mistake. The privileged are still privileged enough to foment a counter-revolution, if their frustrated sense of entitlement hardens.

So I think it’s worthwhile to spend a minute or two looking at the world from George Parker’s point of view: He’s a good 1950s TV father. He never set out to be the bad guy. He never meant to stifle his wife’s humanity or enforce a dull conformity on his kids. Nobody ever asked him whether the world should be black-and-white; it just was.

George never demanded a privileged role, he just uncritically accepted the role society assigned him and played it to the best of his ability. And now suddenly that society isn’t working for the people he loves, and they’re blaming him.

It seems so unfair. He doesn’t want anybody to be unhappy. He just wants dinner.
privilege  distress  White  men  supremacy  racism 
april 2017 by Quercki
35 Practical Steps Men Can Take To Support Feminism - xoJane
The list is not intended to be exhaustive or exclusive. Certain items on the list will apply to some men more than others, but if you are a man and a human I guarantee there is at least one area on the list where you could make an improvement. If you think there’s something we’ve missed, tell me! If you think something on the list is problematic, let’s have a conversation about it!
men  feminism  howto  solutions  *** 
march 2017 by Quercki
"I Made That Bitch Famous" | Mother Jones
In Donald Trump's 2011 book Time to Get Tough: Making America #1 Again, the president-to-be made an astonishing claim: Lady Gaga likely owed her international fame to none other than...Donald Trump. "She became a big star and maybe she became a star because I put her on the Miss Universe pageant," he wrote. "It's very possible, who knows what would have happened without it, because she caused a sensation."

The problem goes beyond Trump, of course. Women, especially women of color, are routinely denied credit for their ideas, creativity, genius, and success (not to mention they're paid less than men for full-time work). So, in honor of Women's History Month, I've put together this woefully incomplete timeline of the lowlights:

Paleolithic era
Pre-European cave paintings are attributed to male hunters up until 2013, when an anthropologist shows that hand tracings found alongside the art at 10 famous sites were likely done by women.
Men  credit  science  history  invention  art 
march 2017 by Quercki
Lafayette shooter John Russell Houser: History of domestic violence and hatred towards feminists.
As my colleague Ben Mathis-Lilley noted today at Slatest, there were 14 other gun-based murder-suicides in the past week in this country, resulting in the loss of 36 lives. If you look down the list of the killings, an unmistakable pattern pops out: “shot and killed his 37-year-old wife ... shot and killed his ex-wife ... shot and killed his 62-year-old wife ... shot and killed his 23-year-old girlfriend ... ” and so on. Most of these killings involve men killing women that they were in relationships with, had lost relationships with, or likely wanted relationships with but were rejected. This last week also featured a bizarre story of a woman who not only survived being kidnapped and raped by a man but also saw her boyfriend and a random other man killed in the rapist-murderer's rampage.

Hearing that some man's entitled attitude toward women led him to kill is so common that it hardly counts as newsworthy. We don't know exactly why Houser shot up a theater that was showing a movie written by an unapologetic feminist, but this moment should still be a wake-up call about the problem of misogynist violence in our culture. If we're not going to talk about gun control, then let's talk about how to get fewer men to see guns as the solution to their inchoate rage at women. 
men  murder  women  misogyny  violence  guns 
august 2016 by Quercki
Not All Men? Well, actually… – Medium
Give me a break. Let’s stop pretending violence just happens to women, or it’s just the way things are, or that we don’t know where women’s collective injuries are coming from.
Commence the dreaded questioning process!
“Women are raped” — yes, but by whom?
“Women are beaten” — yes, but by whom?
“Women are impoverished” — yes, but by whom?
“Women are unfairly represented in the media” — yes, but by whom?
“Men get raped/beaten/murdered too!” — yes, but by whom?
It’s okay, you can say it. It’s men. If you’re going to talk about the victims of violence, you need to talk about the perpetrators.
I understand why women don’t want to challenge men this directly. We share this planet with them. And there aren’t many things scarier than the prospect that half the human population can’t be trusted.
male  violence  men  sexism 
august 2016 by Quercki
One group is responsible for America’s culture of violence, and it isn’t cops, black Americans, Muslims or rednecks. It’s men - LA Times
When you look at the numbers, one thing emerges over and over: Violent female offenders are unlikely to kill people they don’t know. Most mass shootings are committed against strangers, although there are notable exceptions, such as in San Bernardino. When women commit murder, their victim is a stranger only 7% of the time. When men commit murder, their victim is a stranger 25% of the time.

If women are less likely to kill strangers, could increasing the number of women on the police force reduce officer-involved killings? A 2002 study by the National Center for Women and Policing shows that, although women comprise 12.7% of sworn police personnel in urban centers, only 5% of citizen complaints for excessive force involve female police officers. The average male officer is two to three times more likely to be named in an excessive force complaint.

“That was nearly 15 years ago,” you may say. “Let’s see some newer data on the role of gender in policing.” I agree. You might also wonder whether male officers are far more likely than female ones to choose assignments in which drawing a weapon is a real possibility. 

It’s a significantly under-studied area
murder  massacre  gender  men  women 
july 2016 by Quercki
What Mass Killers Really Have in Common -- The Cut
But if Trump and Gingrich are truly looking to stem terrorism and mass violence of the sort that happened in Nice, they might do better to look to a different kind of litmus test: domestic violence and grievances against women. Early reports suggest that Mohamed Lahouaiej Bouhlel, who drove a rented truck through a crowd of Bastille Day revelers on Thursday night, killing more than 80 including at least ten children, may not have been devout, but he did have a criminal record of domestic violence. A neighbor claimed he would “rant about his wife,” who left him two years ago.

This history of domestic violence puts Bouhlel in the horrific company of many mass murderers. Omar Mateen, who last month killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a mass shooting at an Orlando gay club, had an extensive history of domestic abuse.
massacre  domestic_violence  misogyny  men 
july 2016 by Quercki
The Role Of Toxic Masculinity In Mass Shootings | ThinkProgress
Between 2009 and 2012, 40 percent of mass shootings started with a shooter targeting his girlfriend, wife, or ex-wife. Last year alone, nearly a third of mass shooting deaths were related in some way to domestic violence. And when you look beyond public shootings, the majority of mass shootings in this country actually take place inside the home, as men target the women and children they're intimately related to.
Employing harassment, violence, and coercion against women has long been considered a normal way for men to behave in romantic relationships, as deeply ingrained gender norms teach men that they're entitled to women's bodies. This toxic approach to masculinity has been directly linked to the sense of entitlement that drives many mass shooters to commit their crimes.
men  murder  massacre  domestic_violence 
june 2016 by Quercki
Rapist Brock Turner texted pals photos of victim's breasts / Boing Boing
Several images that prosecutors referenced during the trial are included. Santa Clara County Superior Court and the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office released the case documents Friday.

The newly released photos include a snapshot of Brock Turner smoking a pipe, another of a bong, and another of a young man prosecutors say was Turner's swim team buddy, holding a bong. The court documents also include a photo sent via the "Group Me" app that is said to be the victim's breasts, photographed at the time of the sexual assault.
rape.culture  rape  men  solutions  prevention 
june 2016 by Quercki
Profile of a Murderer
The bad news is that the group that belongs to this profile of violence is so large. The good news is that there are so many who belong to the group that if the men who are offended by their association with violence step up, the world could be a radically different place.
I wish I could offer a solution, but the problem is so pervasive it’s hard to even know where to start. The only entry point I see is with the men who are willing to own the problem, who understand that it isn’t enough just to not rape or murder anyone. Maybe they can model for their brothers how you go about admitting that you might not know, or might not need to be at the head of the table or the center of the conversation. Maybe they can choose to lay down arms and publicly declare that the ability to do harm does not define them. Maybe they can hold their brothers accountable for violent speech as well as violent actions. Maybe they can start sentences with “I may be wrong, but it seems to me that….” Maybe they can practice naming their emotions without feeling that they need to act on them. Maybe they can practice listening—just listening to what the other person has to say without the need to impose their own opinion or knowledge.
men  murder  massacre  violence 
june 2016 by Quercki
KING: White men killed most cops in 2016, conservatives silent - NY Daily News
Would it shock you to learn that the number of police who've been shot and killed in 2016 is up an astounding 59% from where it was this same date last year? Seventeen police officers have already been shot and killed in 2016, by mid-May. Only 10 had suffered that fate by May 10th, 2015.

The drastic increase shocked the hell out of me. While I primarily track, study and report the number of people killed by police, I still follow police fatalities closely. Contrary to popular belief, despising police brutality does not mean I despise police officers. I appreciate all public servants and have both a police officer and a longtime Secret Service member in my family. They are amazing, kind-hearted men who do great work. I also despise gun violence and loathe every single fatality suffered because of it.

Something's afoot, though, on why we're not hearing much about this shocking increase in the number of officers who've been shot and killed so far in 2016. Sadly, I think I have the answer.

Seventy-one percent of police who've been shot and killed this year weren't murdered by black men with cornrows or hoodies. They weren't gunned down by Latino gang members in low-rider drive-bys. Those stereotypes would be too convenient. Instead, 71% of police who've been shot and killed so far in 2016 have been killed by good old-fashioned white men.
White  men  kill  police  murder  data  statistics 
june 2016 by Quercki
Rebecca Solnit: Men Explain Things to Me - Guernica / A Magazine of Art & Politics
Being told that, categorically, he knows what he’s talking about and she doesn’t, however minor a part of any given conversation, perpetuates the ugliness of this world and holds back its light. After my book Wanderlust came out in 2000, I found myself better able to resist being bullied out of my own perceptions and interpretations. On two occasions around that time, I objected to the behavior of a man, only to be told that the incidents hadn’t happened at all as I said, that I was subjective, delusional, overwrought, dishonest–in a nutshell, female.

Most of my life, I would have doubted myself and backed down. Having public standing as a writer of history helped me stand my ground, but few women get that boost, and billions of women must be out there on this six-billion-person planet being told that they are not reliable witnesses to their own lives, that the truth is not their property, now or ever. This goes way beyond Men Explaining Things, but it’s part of the same archipelago of arrogance.
Rebecca_Solnit  men  truth  know  sexism 
april 2016 by Quercki
For Good Men To See Nothing — Medium
I have a list of things you can do.
Do some or all of these as you feel personally safe to do. You don’t need to be a Hollywood Action Hero to do these. Doing ANY of these things will help.
ASK women about their experiences in gaming. A large chunk of the problem’s persistence is that a woman who gets offended/hit on/etc. and leaves doesn’t actually cause the majority of sensible male gamers to DO ANYTHING. “Oh, yeah, Stephanie…nobody’s seen her in two weeks? I guess she got a new job or something and didn’t tell us.” Smiling monsters rely on your not following up with their victims to get the space they need to operate.
LISTEN to what they say. Remember, they’re feeling isolated, and they feel like nobody will believe them over the other men at the table. Don’t accuse them of exaggerating. Don’t “put them in the witness box” — just listen. It won’t be comfortable. Time and time again, I’ve been told that the single most valuable thing I ever did was listen, so that she didn’t feel she was facing this alone. As a guy, it’s REALLY hard to believe that _just_ listening is that helpful, but it’s observably true.
WATCH for signs of discomfort. Women take up different body language when they feel threatened. They close their bodies off; they cross their arms in front of their chest as if they expect to get hit. They move to a chair on the other side of the table to get away from someone.
sexism  solutions  gaming  men 
april 2016 by Quercki
4 Advantages, and Disadvantages, I've Gained as Robin That I Didn't Have as Robert — Everyday Feminism
So here are the main ways I’ve been treated differently since I started transitioning into a woman.

1.  I Receive Much More Attention Now

Before I transitioned, I almost never received messages from anyone. I believe it was partially due to the subconscious feeling many people have that a man’s time is more valuable than a woman’s time. But now that I identify as a woman, my inbox is rarely empty.

There are certain advantages to the extra attention I’ve received. The main upside is that I don’t feel lonely nearly as often. I still occasionally feel the existential loneliness I’ve always felt (just by the very nature of being a human), but people in general are more willing to reach out, offer me support, and check up on me – especially my friends who are women.

Receiving constant reassurances from people is a new concept for me.

My male identity, Robert, rarely received validation from others without the caveat that he should toughen up.

Robert was mostly left alone to battle his own demons because autonomy and aggressive individualism are such glorified aspects of male identity. The result for Robert was crushing loneliness.

Nowadays, I have several friends constantly reminding me that I’m loved, and this is such a nice feeling. It’s unfortunate that Robert rarely received such validation.
men  women  transgender 
march 2016 by Quercki
What I Learned From Dating Women Who Have Been Raped — Medium
He was someone I trusted, someone I’d been friends with for years. When we got back to his place, suddenly he was all over me, and he’d managed to get his fingers into my vagina before I was able to physically restrain him. I remember confusion, and then shock at realizing his fingers were inside of me. And, I remember how he wilted when I stopped him. He shrank with shame, and I felt so guilty. I spent the night, but I couldn’t sleep, and slipped out at 6am after giving him a kiss on the head.
Then, I brushed it off. I had years of therapy after that, and never brought it up because I didn’t think it was significant. Yet, there were a few differences. I didn’t like being touched anymore. I stopped dating men, and then stopped dating anyone. I lost all sexual desire, and have been single now for about a year and a half.
I also started meditating. “Crying” has been a big part of my meditation practice. Just, nameless, faceless crying with no discernible reason. I sat a meditation retreat for 7 days, and the first 5 days were spent crying.
sexual_assault  consent  men  feelings  normal 
february 2016 by Quercki
A Gentleman's Guide to Rape Culture | Zaron Burnett
3. Men can make other men STFU.

Let's say, you're in a group of men, and one of your friends starts hollering at a girl -- tell him to knock it the fuck off. You won't be a punk for speaking up for the woman. As long as you don't try to score points with her for "defending her," you won't be white-knighting it either. You're just doing the right thing. No one needs some sexist clown hollering at her because the dude popped a mental woody. Cat-calling is one of the worst advertisements for male sexuality there is. Those assholes make us all look like complete tools. You get that, right? We need to cut that shit out.

Working construction is when I learned to speak up to a group of men. You have to do it. Mostly, you do it because you want to respect yourself. Otherwise, you're another pathetic man that allows a guy to mistreat a woman in your presence. When a guy cat-calls a woman and you don't say something, he just treated her like a cheaply degraded sex object for his satisfaction and he turned you into the punk-ass that's willing to allow him to mistreat a woman in your presence ... while you say nothing.
sexism  rape.culture  men  solutions  *** 
december 2015 by Quercki
Men Explain Lolita to Me | Literary Hub
A group of black college students doesn’t like something and they ask for something different in a fairly civil way and they’re accused of needing coddling as though it’s needing nuclear arms. A group of white male gamers doesn’t like what a woman cultural critic says about misogyny in gaming and they spend a year or so persecuting her with an unending torrent of rape threats, death threats, bomb threats, doxxing, and eventually a threat of a massacre that cites Marc LePine, the Montreal misogynist who murdered 14 women in 1989, as a role model. I’m speaking, of course, about the case of Anita Sarkeesian and Gamergate. You could call those guys coddled. We should. And seriously, did they feel they were owed a world in which everyone thought everything they did and liked and made was awesome or just remained silent? Maybe, because they had it for a long time.

I sort of kicked the hornets’ nest the other day, by expressing feminist opinions about books. It all came down to Lolita. “Some of my favorite novels are disparaged in a fairly shallow way. To read Lolita and ‘identify’ with one of the characters is to entirely misunderstand Nabokov,” one commenter informed me, which made me wonder if there’s a book called Reading Lolita in Patriarchy. The popular argument that novels are good because they inculcate empathy assumes that we identify with characters, and no one gets told they’re wrong for identifying with Gilgamesh or even Elizabeth Bennett. It’s just when you identify with Lolita you’re clarifying that this is a book about a white man serially raping a child over a period of years. Should you read Lolita and strenuously avoid noticing that this is the plot and these are the characters? Should the narrative have no relationship to your own experience? This man thinks so, which is probably his way of saying that I made him uncomfortable.
Rebecca_Solnit  men  feminism  Lolita  mansplaining  privelebliviousness  woman  opinion 
december 2015 by Quercki
Feminism 101: The Grammar and Rhetoric of “Not All Men”
I offer this short lesson in grammar to contextualize my discussion of the grammar of “not all men” men, because their approach often takes on a prescriptivist flair. Rather than accepting how language is used by people to discuss common problems, they enter a discussion to tell us how women should discuss them.

The Grammar of “Not All Men”

The most surefire way to draw in a “not all men” man is to simply use the word “men” in a discussion of sexism. As many people have noted, men don’t typically rush into conversations where men are being praised to remind the speaker that “not all men” are deserving of such positive commentary. To further understand the grammar of “not all men,” I’ll use a couple of examples of my own tweets.
men  derailing  grammar  #NotAllMen 
december 2015 by Quercki
Men and mass murder: What gender tells us about America's epidemic of gun violence
And as far as I'm concerned, the most disturbing (and also least discussed) aspect of America's epidemic of mass shootings is the fact that they are almost invariably committed by men.


Our sick political climate

Righteous tweeting is a dumb way to combat gun violence
Murder is an overwhelmingly male act, with the offender proving to be a man 90 percent of the time the person's gender is known. When it comes to mass shootings, the gender disparity is even greater, with something like 98 percent of them perpetrated by men.
Setbacks and failures will always be painful. But they needn't be viewed as a sign that an existential promise has been betrayed — or treated as moral justification for a testosterone-fueled homicidal temper tantrum.

massacre  men  killing 
october 2015 by Quercki
I am a trans woman. Will Facebook censor my breasts?
Shortly after coming out as a woman and before I had started HRT, I was sunbathing topless in my yard when a roommate asked, “Since you’re a girl now, does that mean I’m not allowed to look at you shirtless anymore?” Though he said it jokingly, that thought stuck with me. The next day I went swimming and left a top on, because as a woman I feel ashamed when my nipples are showing, regardless whether the world sees them as a problem.

When people start to consistently see me as a woman, my privilege to be comfortably topless in public will be gone for good. 

We can challenge that.

People treat you much differently when they see you as a trans woman instead of as a cis man. I already have a long list of privileges lost in transition.
privilege  transgender  women  men 
october 2015 by Quercki
1 Black Man Is Killed Every 28 Hours by Police or Vigilantes: America Is Perpetually at War with Its Own People | Alternet
Police officers, security guards, or self-appointed vigilantes extrajudicially killed at least 313 African Americans in 2012 according to a recent study. This means a black person was killed by a security officer every 28 hours. The report notes that it's possible that the real number could be much higher.  

The report, entitled "Operation Ghetto Storm", was performed by the Malcolm X Grassroots Movement, an antiracist grassroots activist organization. The organization has chapters in Atlanta, Detroit, Fort Worth-Dallas, Jackson, New Orleans, New York City, Oakland, and Washington, D.C. It has a history of organizing campaigns against police brutality and state repression in black and brown communities. Their study's sources included police and media reports along with other publicly available information. Last year, the organization published a similar study showing that a black person is killed by security forces every 36 hours. However, this study did not tell the whole story, as it only looked at shootings from January to June 2012. Their latest study is an update of this. 
BlackLivesMatter  killing  black  men  police  violence  murder  African-american 
september 2015 by Quercki
What Makes American Men So Dangerous? - Pacific Standard
Mass shootings are also almost universally committed by men. So, this is not just an American problem; it’s a problem related to American masculinity and to the ways American men use guns. But asking whether “guns” or “masculinity” is more of the problem misses the central point that separating the two might not be as simple as it sounds. And, as Mark Follman, Gavin Aronsen, and Deanna Pan note in the Mother Jones Guide to Mass Shootings in America, the problem is getting worse.
shooting  massacre  men  guns  sexism  racism 
august 2015 by Quercki
How Men’s Emotions Are Preventing Gender Equality at Work - Pacific Standard
The most upsetting thing about these findings, perhaps, is the number of men who will see them as a personal attack rather than a professional opportunity. “What makes it difficult is that the men who are most in denial about sexism are sometimes the least likely to admit that they feel threatened by women in the workplace," Sheppard says, referring to the study participants she worked with. I’m inclined to agree about the many men who need this message most. Every time I write about sexism, my inbox and Twitter mentions fill with men defending themselves against a phantom assault on their characters that I never made. The comments sections on articles that gently ask men to acknowledge their own complicity in workplace inequality brim with men’s defensive and highly emotional commentary: They personally have never witnessed such a thing, and therefore, it must be a lady’s flight of fancy, empirical data be damned. Men must come to terms with the fact that they feel professionally threatened by women not just so workplaces are less hostile to women, but because it seems like an awful lot of work to feel endangered all the time.
men  emotions  sexism  work 
august 2015 by Quercki
Rebecca Solnit: Feminism, Now with Men - Guernica / A Magazine of Art & Politics
The Obsession with False Rape Accusations: A Handy Pullout Section

Of course, the old ideas are out in force, too. Pretty much every time someone raises the subject of rape in my hearing (or online reading), a man pops up to raise the “issue” of “false rape accusations.” Seriously, it’s almost inevitably the first thing out of some guy’s mouth; men appear obsessed with the subject, and it often becomes a convenient way of changing the focus from widespread female victims to exceedingly rare male victims. As a result, I’ve assembled this handy pullout guide to the subject in the hope that I never have to address it again.

Rape is so common in our culture it’s fair to call it an epidemic. After all, what else could you call something that impacts nearly one in five women (and one in 71 men) directly and, as a threat, virtually all women, that is so pervasive it modifies how we live and think and move through the world for most of our lives? Actual instances in which women have untruthfully claimed a rape occurred simply to malign some guy are extremely uncommon. The most reliable studies suggest that about 2 percent of reported rapes are false, which means that 98 percent are real. Even that statistic doesn’t mean that 2 percent are false rape accusations, because saying you were raped if you weren’t isn’t the same thing as claiming a specific person raped you when he didn’t. (No one sifts for the category of false rape accusation per se, by the way.) Still, those stats don’t stop men from bringing the subject up again and again and again. And again.
rape.culture  rape  statistics  false_accusation  men  feminism 
july 2015 by Quercki
On Being A Sensitive Black Man - Role Reboot
Being a sensitive Black man is about more than expressing hurt and fear while being receptive to my impact on others. It also means being aware of systematic issues and the insidiousness of gender-based oppression.

I unapologetically use the word “sensitive” as part of my reclamation project. I reject the inflammatory way it is often used today. Sensitivity is not the opposite of strength, nor does sensitive mean “out of control.”

I am sensitive to the feelings of people around me. Sensitivity recognizes that emotional reactions do not exist in a vacuum. I impact others and they impact me.
I am sensitive to issues of oppression, and I am committed to confronting subjugation where ever it strikes.
I am sensitive because I am blessed to have a mother who validated the continuum of my emotions—a mother who encouraged me to acknowledge my hurt. When I am not OK, I can ask for help.
I am sensitive because I am confronting the demonic representation of black men in movies and television. We are often depicted as cold and violent or hypersexual. Rarely are we shown as in touch with the continuum of emotional responsiveness.
I am sensitive to my own internalized oppression. I am aware that I, too, have bought into ideas that marginalize women, GLBT individuals, disabled, and those economically oppressed. I join with other men who believe we must take responsibility for that oppression we perpetuate first. Only then are we equipped to fight the oppression we see.
I am sensitive to workplace bullying, domestic violence, sexual abuse, organized gang stalking, and all forms of abuse. I realize that abuse anywhere is abuse everywhere. In order to live in a better world, we must fight abuse in any form.
The new, sensitive masculinity means caring for ourselves and each other. It allows access to our deepest fears and greatest hopes. This masculinity brings us closer to those we care about. Making us better fathers, romantic partners, brothers, and sons.

Sensitive masculinity is liberating. It really is great to be a sensitive black man.
emotions  African-American  men  feminism 
march 2015 by Quercki
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men Of Touch
Recently I wrote an article titled The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer in which I asked people to consider the following:

American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the  long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge.

Gentle platonic touch is central to the early development of infants. It continues to play an important role throughout men and women’s lives in terms of our development, health and emotional well being, right into old age. When I talk about gentle platonic touch, I’m not talking about a pat on the back, or a handshake, but instead contact that is lasting and meant to provide connection and comfort. Think, leaning on someone for a few minutes, holding hands, rubbing their back or sitting close together not out of necessity but out of choice.

Yet, culturally, gentle platonic touch is the one thing we suppress culturally in men and it starts when they are very young boys.

While babies and toddlers are held, cuddled, and encouraged to practice gentle touch during their first years of their lives, that contact often drops off for boys when they cease to be toddlers. Boys are encouraged to “shake it off” and “be tough” when they are hurt. Along with the introduction of this “get tough” narrative, boys find that their options for gentle platonic touch simply fade away. Mothers and fathers often back off from holding or cuddling their young boys. Boys who seek physical holding as comfort when hurt are stigmatized as cry babies.
touch  men  homophobia 
march 2015 by Quercki
We Asked Men to Draw Vaginas to Prove an Important Point - Mic
By Elizabeth Plank  December 22, 2014 SHARE TWEET
If men don't know basic facts about a woman's body, how can they legislate it?

Sounds simple enough, and yet this message continues to fall on deaf ears in Congress, where the overwhelming majority of elected officials are still white men. 

Take former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who suggested that women need birth control because they can't control their libidos. Or former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), who claimed there is a link between breast cancer and abortion (pro tip: there isn't). And who could forget former Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) and his infamous "legitimate rape" theory. 

America's male elected officials continue to aggressively legislate women's bodies in the year 2014, even though they often seem not to know basic facts about women. 

To illustrate why this is a really serious problem, we decided to conduct a special experiment, asking men from Mic to do one simple thing: Draw a vagina. The goal? See how much educated men really know about women's bodies.

The result? It went about as badly as you might have imagined.
vagina  legislation  men  images 
december 2014 by Quercki
Men Just Don’t Trust Women. And This Is A Problem » Very Smart Brothas
But you know what I don’t really trust? What I’ve never actually trusted with any women I’ve been with? Her feelings.
If she approaches me pissed about something, my first reaction is “What’s wrong?”
My typical second reaction? Before she even gets the opportunity to tell me what’s wrong? “She’s probably overreacting.” 
My typical third reaction? After she expresses what’s wrong? “Ok. I hear what you’re saying, and I’ll help. But whatever you’re upset about probably really isn’t that serious.”
I’m both smart and sane, so I don’t actually say any of this aloud. But I am often thinking it. Until she convinces me otherwise, I assume that her emotional reaction to a situation is disproportionate to my opinion of what level of emotional reaction the situation calls for. Basically, if she’s on eight, I assume the situation is really a six.
I’m speaking of my own relationship, but I know I’m not alone. The theme that women’s feelings aren’t really to be trusted by men drives (an estimated) 72.81% of the sitcoms we watch, 31.2% of the books we read, and 98.9% of the conversations men have with other men about the women in their lives. Basically, women are crazy, and we are not. Although many women seem to be very annoyed by it, it’s generally depicted as one of those cute and innocuous differences between the sexes.
And perhaps it would be, if it were limited to feelings about the dishes or taking out the garbage. But, this distrust can be pervasive, spreading to a general skepticism about the truthfulness of their own accounts of their own experiences. If women’s feelings aren’t really to be trusted, then naturally their recollections of certain things that have happened to them aren’t really to be trusted either.
This is part of the reason why it took an entire high school football team full of women for some of us to finally just consider that Bill Cosby might not be Cliff Huxtable. It’s how, despite hearing complaints about it from girlfriends, homegirls, cousins, wives, and classmates, so many of us refused to believe how serious street harassment can be until we saw it with our own eyes. It’s why we needed to see actual video evidence before believing the things women had been saying for years about R. Kelly.
men  trust  women  misogyny  racism 
december 2014 by Quercki
Pamela Clark - FAQ - 35 Practical Tools for Men to Further Feminist Revolution
While I have been overwhelmed with positive responses to my article over the past month (here on Tumblr, but also on Twitter, by email, and on xoJane where it was reprinted) there have also been a lot of critical comments and questions, many of which, I think, come from misunderstandings about what feminism means, what privilege is, and the intention and effects of some of my specific suggestions. I think these misunderstandings have been especially common among people who are just not used to talking about feminism, privilege, and inequality, who aren’t familiar with some of the language or concepts used in the piece, and who assume I’m saying something quite different than I am.

So I am writing this to respond to these recurring themes in hopes to clarify things a little more. I want this to be a comprehensive resource people can refer back to so I don’t have to keep addressing the same questions over and over.  Comprehensive means… it’s really long.

Specific questions:

1. Do 50% (or more) of housework.

a) Why “or more?” Isn’t that reverse sexism?

Because if you have been doing less than your fair share your whole life until now, which the majority of men have, you have some catching up to do! Also, reverse sexism isn’t a thing.
men  feminism  solutions 
august 2014 by Quercki
Pamela Clark - 35 Practical Tools for Men to Further Feminist Revolution
12. Pay attention to and challenge informal instances of gender role enforcement. For example, if you are at a family function or dinner party, pay attention to whether it is mostly/only women who are doing food preparation/cleaning/childcare while men are socializing and relaxing. If it is, change the dynamic and implore other men to do the same.

13. Be mindful of implicit and explicit gendered power differentials in your intimate/domestic relationships with women…whether a partner or family members or roommates. Work to recognize where inherent structural power  differentials based on race, class, gender, sexual orientation, age (and so on). Where you benefit from these structural imbalances, educate yourself about your privilege and work on finding ways to create a more equitable balance of power. For example, if you are in a domestic partnership where you are the primary income earner, educate yourself about the gendered wage gap, and work on dividing labour and economic resources within your household in a way that increases the economic autonomy of your partner.

14. Make sure that honesty and respect guide your romantic and sexual relationships with women. The way you treat women with whom you are in a relationship is a mirror of your values about women in general. It doesn’t work to espouse feminist theory and then treat your partners like trash. Be upfront and open about your intentions, communicate openly so that women have the ability to make informed, autonomous decisions about what they want to do.

15. Don’t be an online bystander in the face of sexism. Challenge people who make, say, or post sexist things on the internet, especially on social media.
howto  feminism  men  solutions 
august 2014 by Quercki
My Journal: - On Managing Men
Today, in the aftermath of the Santa Barbara shootings, there have been a lot of discussions. Ever since coming across cereta's On rape and men, I've become an outspoken feminist and more aware of my own actions. I took the blue pill and starting paying attention to how the narrow view of what defines masculinity in our culture hurts men and women.

I've also gotten involved in a lot of conversations of feminism 101 for men.

Today, I joined in yet another conversation and felt proud that I've gotten better at engaging the men, responding in ways that make them think without making them go hostile or defensive. Then, I thought about it.

I've gotten better at managing men's moods.

As a woman, I have to explain in a soft, non-offensive way how feminism works or they'll be turned off by my 'tone'. They'll attack my attitude, my anger, my emotion and shut down and stop listening. If I throw too many replies, too many links at them, they'll shut down and stop listening. They'll feel attacked or inadequate. Actually, as a woman, I have to do this whenever I explain things to men. Give them just enough cookies for 'not being THAT kind of guy', so they don't feel attacked, so they'll listen.

As a woman, managing the men I interact with has become second nature.

As a woman, managing the men I interact with is a survival skill.

When I'm at the gym, I've noticed that men will go from point A to point B. Women will do the same, but pause to let people pass, wait for you to finish a set before passing next to you. The men just expect people, especially women to make way, and we do- otherwise we'll get run over.

If I turn down a man the wrong way, he might get sullen and resentful- ruining the mood of wherever I'm at. Or he might get angry. Or he might get violent. If I turn him down wrong and he gets upset, people will often blame me for not being nicer. "Oh, he's harmless, just a bit awkward. You should be nicer." That's policing my right to enforce personal boundaries. People who don't respect casual boundaries are far more likely to ignore other, more dangerous boundaries.
men  feminism  101  boundaries  management 
august 2014 by Quercki
My own rape shows how much we get wrong about these attacks - The Washington Post
He knew exactly what he was doing, exactly how to stimulate me. What he didn’t know was when to listen to me saying “no,” when to stop, when to realize that my kicking and punching and shoving and screaming and writhing was not just some sick roleplay while he blasted Lady Gaga’s “I Like It Rough.” He covered my sobbing mouth with his hands. He hushed me and called me “sexy,” as in “You got this, sexy.”

When I wrote about men who are raped by women, for Details magazine in 2004, it caught the eye of Bill O’Reilly, who discussed it on his show. “If you’re lucky enough as a guy to have some girl come on to you in that manner,” he said, “but you don’t want to reciprocate, you stand up and you leave, unless the woman is 240 pounds and tackles you. The man is traditionally stronger and better equipped to leave the room.” There is a great disbelief out there, despite the numbers — from the CDC! the NIH! the Justice Department! — about how 1 in 33 men have experienced “a completed or attempted rape,” or 12.9 percent have been sexually assaulted. Mostly it’s by men they know. (I have a couple dozen mutual Facebook friends with my assailant.)
rape  men  queer 
july 2014 by Quercki
THIS makes sense. - Imgur
sexism hurts men because being compared to a woman is an insult.
Good comic.
comic  sexism  men 
june 2014 by Quercki
5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women |
Now go to the front page of any mostly male discussion site like and see how many inches you can browse before finding several thousand men bemoaning how all women are gold-digging whores (7,500 upvotes) and how crazy and irrational women are (9,659 upvotes) and how horrible and gross and fat women are (4,000 upvotes). Or browse the "Men's Rights" section and see weird fantasies about alpha males defeating all the hot women who try to control them with their vaginas.

This current of white-hot rage has to come as a surprise to some of you, because we tend to think "sexism" is being dismissive toward women, or paying them lower salaries -- we don't think of it as frenzied "burn the witch!" hatred. Yet occasionally something like this Limbaugh thing will come along to prick that balloon, and out it pours. Like it's always waiting there, a millimeter below the surface.

Why? Well, you see ...

#5. We Were Told That Society Owed Us a Hot Girl
men  hate  misogyny  sexism 
may 2014 by Quercki
5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women |
#2. We Feel Like Manhood Was Stolen from Us at Some Point

You know how every comedy has that stock character of the womanizing, amoral guy who just says what he thinks all the time, and cares only about himself? Joey in Friends, Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, Sterling Archer in Archer, Gob in Arrested Development, Ashton Kutcher's character in That '70s Show, Michael in our Web series, the title character in my books?

Guys love that character because he's doing what, on some level, we all wish we could do. It's also why you have all of these ad campaigns desperately appealing to males who fear that they've lost their masculinity ("If you use a competitor's product, we're going to have to take away your Man Card!")
misogyny  men  hate 
may 2014 by Quercki
WIMN’s Voices » Will Media Report FL Shooting As Gender-Based Hate Crime?
Will Media Report FL Shooting As Gender-Based Hate Crime?
Posted by Jennifer L Pozner
June 8th, 2010
It happened again. Another violent guy shot and killed his wife — and went on to gun down six other women unfortunate enough to be in his path before committing suicide. Four women are now dead; three others are in critical condition. And some media outlets (such as the AP story on Yahoo! News, “5 dead after shooting in Miami-area restaurant,”) are still failing to report this as a gender-based hate crime… echoing previous journalistic failures.

This time it was Gerardo Regalado, half-brother of former baseball star Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, and the crime took place in South Florida. Last year it was George Sodini in Collier County, PA, who opened fire in an all-female aerobics class in an act of misguided revenge for a sexually frustrated existence. Before that, it was Cho Seung-Hui, the mentally unstable stalker of women at Virginia Tech, who ended up being responsible for the worst school shooting in U.S. history. In 2006, it was the school shootings in Amish country and in Colorado’s Platte Canyon. And in 1998, it was the murder of four elementary school girls and their female teacher in Jonesboro, AR.
gender  violence  women  murder  men  guns 
may 2014 by Quercki
Here's why women have turned the "not all men" objection into a meme - Vox
4) What's so bad about "Not All Men"?

When a man (though, of course, not all men) butts into a conversation about a feminist issue to remind the speaker that "not all men" do something, they derail what could be a productive conversation. Instead of contributing to the dialogue, they become the center of it, excluding themselves from any responsibility or blame.

"Men who just insist on you having that little qualifier because it undermines your argument and recenters their feelings as the central part of the dialogue," Hudson says.

On a very basic level, "not all men" is an interruption, and interrupting is rude. More to the point, it's rude in a very gendered way. Studies have shown that not all interrupting is equal. The meta analysis by the University of California at Santa Cruz was conducted on 43 studies about interrupting. It was found that men interrupted more than women only marginally, but they were much more likely to interrupt with an intention to usurp the conversation as a sign of dominance, or intrusive interrupting. Additionally, a study of group conversation dynamics showed that the gender combination of a group affects the method of interrupting. In an all-male group, the men interrupted with positive, supportive comments, but as women were added to the group, the supportive comments dwindled.

"Not all men." Fine. But pointing out individual exceptions doesn't help us understand or combat behaviors that really are mainly committed by men, from small things like interruptions up to domestic violence and rape. Not all men beat their partners, but people who beat their partners are mostly men. Pointing out that you're not one of them doesn't help us figure out how to understand and deal with that problem.
sexism  speech  men 
may 2014 by Quercki
Male Sexual Victimization - locked pdf
Male Sexual Victimization
Examining Men’s Experiences of Rape and Sexual Assault
Karen G. Weiss
West Virginia University, Morgantown

This study examines men’s sexual victimization experiences in the United States using a nationally representative sample of victim narratives from the National Crime Victimization Survey. An analysis of men’s incidents reveals many similarities to women’s rapes and sexual assaults as well as some rather gendered differences, particularly in regard to offender sex, victims’ willingness to report to officials, and a few uniquely masculine ways in which some men frame their experiences. The study begins an important exploration of men’s descriptions of their sexual victimization experiences and responses and encourages future empirical and theoretical research of this understudied population of victims.
rape  men 
may 2014 by Quercki
American Public Health Association - The Sexual Victimization of Men in America: New Data Challenge Old Assumptions
The Sexual Victimization of Men in America: New Data Challenge Old Assumptions

Lara Stemple, JD, and Ilan H. Meyer, PhD
Lara Stemple is with the Health and Human Rights Law Project, University of California, Los Angeles School of Law. Ilan H. Meyer is with the Williams Institute for Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy, University of California, Los Angeles School of Law.

Correspondence should be sent to Lara Stemple, UCLA Law, 405 Hilgard Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90095-1476 (e-mail: Reprints can be ordered at by clicking the “Reprints” link.

L. Stemple and I. H. Meyer contributed to the conceptualization of this article, the interpretation of data, and the drafting and revision of content.

We assessed 12-month prevalence and incidence data on sexual victimization in 5 federal surveys that the Bureau of Justice Statistics, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation conducted independently in 2010 through 2012. We used these data to examine the prevailing assumption that men rarely experience sexual victimization. We concluded that federal surveys detect a high prevalence of sexual victimization among men—in many circumstances similar to the prevalence found among women. We identified factors that perpetuate misperceptions about men’s sexual victimization: reliance on traditional gender stereotypes, outdated and inconsistent definitions, and methodological sampling biases that exclude inmates. We recommend changes that move beyond regressive gender assumptions, which can harm both women and men. (Am J Public Health. Published online ahead of print April 17, 2014: e1–e8. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2014.301946)
rape  men  statistics 
may 2014 by Quercki
Male rape in America: A new study reveals that men are sexually assaulted almost as often as women.
Last year the National Crime Victimization Survey turned up a remarkable statistic. In asking 40,000 households about rape and sexual violence, the survey uncovered that 38 percent of incidents were against men. The number seemed so high that it prompted researcher Lara Stemple to call the Bureau of Justice Statistics to see if it maybe it had made a mistake, or changed its terminology. After all, in years past men had accounted for somewhere between 5 and 14 percent of rape and sexual violence victims.
rape  men  gender  feminism 
may 2014 by Quercki
Against Patriarchy: Tools for Men to Further Feminist Revolution* - The Feminist Wire | The Feminist Wire
20 suggestions.
3. Think about women, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming people in your life who support your development as a feminist. These may be friends, people you’ve worked with, or family members. Reflect on what you have learned from them. Far too often patriarchy teaches men to ignore or devalue the wisdom of gender oppressed people and this both undermines their leadership in society and robs us of their leadership in our lives. Take time to thank people for what you’ve learned and look for opportunities to support them and strengthen your relationships.

4. Think about men in your life who can support your process of learning about sexism and developing as a feminist activist.
feminism  men  patriarchy  kyriarchy  solutions 
february 2014 by Quercki
Sexual Violence: Why It Can Destroy Us All - The Feminist Wire | The Feminist Wire
Simultaneously, due to narrow constructions of masculinity and femininity and limited ideas of who can be a victim and who cannot, these conversations negate how the abused may be subjected to illegitimate questioning and ridicule to the point of silence. Female victims may be silenced for telling a truth that indicts not only the perpetrator but also the community, and male victims may be silenced for breaking the man code. And both forms of suppression come with numerous penalties.

So, what does all of this mean for a little black boy growing up in the South who experienced sexual violence within a context of homophobic and patriarchal sexual exploration?

It means that there was no space for me to speak out against the oppressive force that ultimately seized me.

For a while, I imagined that what had happened was okay. I had consented to sexual behavior previously so I must have known that some sexual acts are seen as precursors to more sexual exploits. I couldn’t conceptualize the idea that I had been violated, but I also could not conceive possibly consenting to such acts. I worried about the shame my family and friends would feel towards me, and what it would mean to bear the burden of labeling myself a “sexual assault victim.” Is that what I am—or was? If so, how would this affect my relationships then and now?

I had so many thoughts at such a young age, and I carried that indignity with me for so long. I recently realized that my narrative was familiar.
sexual_assault  men  victim-blaming 
november 2013 by Quercki
Robot Hugs - But Men
Women. Queer women. Trans women. Women of color.
But men!
Oh, hi there. We're not really talking about men. Maybe you can join in another time.
But as a man, I have important feeling about this subject!
men  comics  feminism  allies  funny 
october 2013 by Quercki
101 Everyday Ways for Men to Be Allies to Women
1. Recognize your privileges, especially your male privilege (and white privilege if applicable).

I’m very intentional in making this point first. Understanding all of your privileges are the core principle of allyship towards women and people who identify outside the gender spectrum. Male privilege is a set of privileges that all men (or anybody that identifies as male) benefit from under patriarchy. All of these privileges are at the expense of women and other subordinate groups. Here’s a good list of examples of male privileges! (The Male Privilege Checklist)
For more on white privilege, check out Peggy McIntosh’s incredible article, “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack!”
2. Make a daily effort to acknowledge and then challenge your male privilege.

In order to be a successful ally, you must make a daily effort to understand privilege. As a male, it is your social responsibility to be conscious of your privileges. Use this consciousness to explore different situations. For example, how would a situation been different if it were a woman in your position? Would a woman have been treated differently than you?
feminism  allies  men 
july 2013 by Quercki
Another Intersection: Men are not the subject of this conversation
So if we agree that we are talking about women, bringing the focus back onto men is both rude and silencing. 

It's rude because, hey, I was speaking first. Despite having taken the red pill** a while ago, I still find it difficult to interrupt people - even when they do it to me - and I have to pep-talk myself into raising my voice to be heard.

Furthermore, it silences me by dismissing my lived experiences as irrelevant and making men (again) the sole arbiters of what's normal. The implication is that if men didn't experience [rape/sexual harassment/stalking/domestic violence/oppressive standards of masculinity], then it wouldn't matter whether women did. 

And finally, bringing male survivors of sexual violence into the conversation this way implies that I don't care about them, because if I did, I would mention them myself without your prompting. 

Basically, insisting that I constantly reiterate my support for male survivors is on par with forcing me to repeat over and over again that not all men are sexist, and not all men are rapists, and not all men objectify women.

Some things really only need to be said once. Sometimes a conversation really isn't about men, nor does it have to be. 
men  rape  centering 
may 2013 by Quercki
What I Learned From 'A Letter To The Guy Who Harassed Me Outside The Bar'
When she sent me the link to Emily’s article, I read it, understood it, and wanted to share it. I sent it to the guys I was out with that night, assuming most wouldn’t read it. When a few of us went out for a drink after playing hockey later that night, I decided to bring it up. And surprisingly, they had all read it. 

We started to talk about the night in question, outside of the bar, and what was wrong with it. I told them it was pretty obvious that most of the women were really uncomfortable with the attention they were receiving from our group. I asked the guys what they would do if they came outside of a bar and saw this happening to their sisters (four of them have younger sisters), and the decision was unanimous: The offending males would probably be leaving without some teeth. 
harassment  men  allies 
january 2013 by Quercki
Making Light: Guns, police, class, society
#24 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: December 16, 2012, 05:24 AM:
I have an odd point of comparison. This same set of characteristics:

-- male with a sense of aggrieved entitlement
-- has enormous resentments and feelings of powerlessness
-- has a complex about persecution, dishonor, and getting even
-- violently resents attempts to curb or modify his behavior
-- feels entitled to hurt others if he doesn't like what's going on
-- tends to disproportionately blame and target women
-- has little or no insight into his condition
is also the manufacturer's formula for your classic online trolls, vandals, and malign thugs.
A few months back, I mentioned in a couple of places that I'd come up with a unified field theory of trolls. That list is most of my theory.

I've always been uncomfortable about coming out and saying what every moderator knows, which is that the vast majority of aggressive problem users are male, and that they consistently have a sense of aggrieved entitlement that spurs them to misbehave. I'm also uncomfortable about pointing out that the really hardcore trolls, the ones that are instantly recognizable and completely unmanageable, share a distinctive set of cognitive and behavioral problems. All those things are nevertheless true.

It's a good thing TCP/IP doesn't support "shoot other users."
trolls  men  violence  misogyny 
december 2012 by Quercki
Ana Mardoll's Ramblings: Deconstruction: How To Be A (Male) Ally
There's the relatively obvious vocabulary stuff, like "don't use the word 'rape' to mean things that are not rape". Losing at a sporting event, or being beaten at a video game, or having to pay taxes is not the same thing as being raped. Don't conflate the two, and if you hear friends conflating the two, consider trying to steer the conversation away from rape to something more appropriate. "We got raped last night" can be politely countered with "oh, you mean you lost? By how many points?" That quick-and-subtle re-framing may be lost on your male friends (more on speaking up to friends later), but can be a valuable ally flag to the women in the room that at least one other person there is uncomfortable with the casual use of the word 'rape'. And that awareness of an ally's presence can help people to own their legitimate feelings, and can mean the difference between a Safe Space and an unsafe one.
allies  feminism  men  howto  rape.culture  solutions  101  **** 
november 2012 by Quercki
What Causes Rape? Anatomy of a rape culture | Alas, a Blog
Why do men rape women? It’s not because they hate women, by and large. Do hunters hunt because they hate animals? No, they hunt because hunting is fun, because they like the meat, and maybe because hunting is a way of male-bonding, They don’t hate the animal; they just consider empathy for the animal’s feelings irrelevant, less important than their desire for meat or fun. (I’m ignoring the ecological arguments for hunting for the sake of the analogy).

Men who rape women don’t do it because they hate women, but because they don’t give a fuck about women (at least, not the women they rape). They want something, they take it, and they’re by-and-large indifferent to how the person they “take” it from feels.

This is why the “rape isn’t about sex, rape is about violence” analysis falls short. It’s not true – not from the point of view of many rapists – and it denies the true horror of the situation. Many rapists don’t rape because they hate and want to hurt women; it’s not that personal. Rapists rape because they want sex; they don’t consider the woman’s feelings at all, because a woman’s feelings aren’t worth considering. They’re just women, after all.
rape.culture  men  *** 
october 2012 by Quercki
#331: Creepy-by-association? «
Sadly, if the women in your (comically exaggerated) conversations liked you and wanted to get to know you better (either as a potential friend or romantic partner), your interest in a hobby shared by various creeps and gropers would not enough by itself to make them withdraw from your company.

So something else is going on. You’re not connecting. They don’t like you, specifically, not You, Unfairly Tarnished Avatar of Creepicus Complainicus or You, Lover of Anime and Role-Playing Games. I’m not there with you during these interactions, so I can’t tell you if you’re doing something weird or off-putting. And neither of us can read the minds of these women.
creep  men  social  howto  socially-awkward  niceguy 
october 2012 by Quercki
ECHIDNE of the snakes: The End of Men
Had the book been called The End Of Male Dominance? (which appears to be its actual topic), the potential numbers of readers would have quickly shrunk to a few beady-eyed feminists such as yours truly.  As things are, I will find reading it tough going because I know it's supposed to press all sorts of unseemly buttons about feminism having gone too far and so on.  Yet I hear that it's kinda disappointing in that it doesn't tell us how all those men are ending.  Indeed, it might even suggest that rigid definitions of masculinity are at fault here.
lies  statistics  men 
september 2012 by Quercki
Shakesville: It Looks Like We're Going to Have a Mansplainer Thread After All
there is real interest in a similar though broader discussion here, so I'm opening one. Unlike Zuska's thread, this one is not limited to mocking the phenomenon, although examples are welcome. Discussion of social forces behind the phenomenon of Men Who Explain Things is on-topic, as are techniques for dealing with such Explanations. The different ways in which society responds to any and all genders of "rule-crappers" would also be on-topic. Comments about what it’s like to grow up afraid of getting scooped by a girl, or to grow up being that girl, and effects this has had on your communication skills are welcome. Debates over whether mansplaining exists, or is truly gendered behavior, or comments claiming that men are not privileged and/or calling us sexist, will be deleted, because we don't argue with cranks. Feel free to write about those topics on your own blog, but please stay on-topic here.
mansplaining  sexism  gender  men  talkativeness  conversation 
august 2012 by Quercki
The Problem With Men Explaining Things | Mother Jones
the out-and-out confrontational confidence of the totally ignorant is, in my experience, gendered. Men explain things to me, and other women, whether or not they know what they're talking about. Some men.

Women acquired the status of human beings when these kinds of acts started to be taken seriously, when the big things that stop us and kill us were addressed legally from the mid-1970s on.
Every woman knows what I'm talking about. It's the presumption that makes it hard, at times, for any woman in any field; that keeps women from speaking up and from being heard when they dare; that crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men's unsupported overconfidence.

I wouldn't be surprised if part of the trajectory of American politics since 2001 was shaped by, say, the inability to hear Coleen Rowley, the FBI woman who issued those early warnings about Al Qaeda, and it was certainly shaped by a Bush administration to which you couldn't tell anything, including that Iraq had no links to Al Qaeda and no WMD, or that the war was not going to be a "cakewalk." (Even male experts couldn't penetrate the fortress of their smugness.)
mansplaining  Rebecca_Solnit  gender  feminism  men  conversation 
august 2012 by Quercki
Feminism Friday: Occasionally Conversations with my Man Are Instructive « Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog
I can see how some of these guys get the idea that you all hate men. Because you’re talking to the regulars, and the regulars know you don’t hate men, but some new guy reading some of this stuff, he’s going to be all, wait, what did I do? I didn’t rape anybody, I never beat up a transsexual–”
“No, I get that,” I interrupted him. “That’s a lot like–like, I used to have the same reaction reading blogs by people of color. I’d see something like ‘white people sure suck sometimes,’ and I’d be all, ‘Hey! Wait! Not all of us! Not me!’ Even though I probably do suck as a white person sometimes–but I mean, I’d take it too personally.”
“It’s hard not to take it personally.”
“It’s not as hard if you move yourself out of the center of everything, though. That’s what I finally got through my thick skull. It’s not ABOUT me, always. And even if it is about me, so what? I’m not perfect. Why shouldn’t I have to take some shit once in awhile? Heaven knows I dish enough out in a day. Would it kill me to get an attitude adjustment? Would it kill me to listen to someone unlike me for five minutes?”
“But if you aren’t the problem,” he argued, “It sucks to be treated like you’re the problem. It’s like being accused of something you didn’t do.”
“If I’m not the problem,” I explained, “then why should I get invested in identifying with the problem? If the problem is some particular batch of white people, doing or saying shit I’d never in a million years do myself, why should I feel the need to put myself in their shoes? Just because they’re white and I’m white? That’s stupid. Like all the idiot white dudes who identify with the Duke lacrosse players–they don’t even comprehend that unless they’re just as wealthy and elite, which you know 95% of them aren’t, the fucking lacrosse players would SPIT on them. They’re ID-ing with the players, but I guarantee you the players aren’t ID-ing with them.”
“A lot of the guys written about on feminist blogs do things I would never do.”
“Then don’t identify with them. It’s not about you! You stand to pee, they stand to pee, beyond that, what’s the commonality?”
“That’s why the argument you guys make that I like the best is that patriarchy screws men too.”
“Well, it does,” I agreed with him, “but I think why you like that argument so much is because then it’s about you again. All’s right with the universe. Man the sun, woman the earth.”
“No, I’ve figured out that you guys don’t like that, and I’m trying not to do that, I swear, but the way you express things sometimes, isn’t it just making it easier for men to get defensive?”
feminism  men  privilege  101  centering 
october 2011 by Quercki
Midweek Media: an anti-rape campaign that focuses on men — The Hathor Legacy
It shows four couples. Above each couple is the slogan “My strength is not for hurting.” At the bottom is the slogan “Men can stop rape.” In all the images, the men look directly into the camera while the women look off to the side.

The first couple is a young Asian man and woman. It says, “So when she changed her mind, I stopped.” The second couple is a young white man and woman with dark hair. It says, “So when she was drunk, I backed off.” The third couple is a young man of color and a white man, and it says, “So when I wanted to and he didn’t, we didn’t.” The fourth a final couple is a young white blond man and woman, and it says, “So when I paid for our date, she didn’t owe me.”
rape  rape.culture  solutions  men 
september 2011 by Quercki
Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced « Shapely Prose
The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact information written next to my computer monitor. This is so the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry. If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the police.
rape  rape.culture  rapists  Schrodinger  men 
august 2011 by Quercki
Men Stopping Violence - Home
Men Stopping Violence works locally, nationally, and internationally to dismantle belief systems, social structures, and institutional practices that oppress women and children and dehumanize men themselves. We look to the violence against women's movement to keep the reality of the problem and the vision of the solution before us. We believe that all forms of oppression are interconnected. Social justice work in the areas of race, class, gender, age, and sexual orientation are all critical to ending violence against women.
men  solutions  domestic_violence 
march 2011 by Quercki
Confronting Life — The Good Men Project Magazine
Husband confronts the anti-abortion protesters who yelled at his wife who was pregnant with a fetus with no kidneys or bladder.
abortion  men  video  protest 
october 2010 by Quercki
Smile, Boys! It Would Make The World So Much Prettier For Us Women! : Thus Spake Zuska
I have a friend who has perfected a response to this: when told to "Smile!" she bares her teeth. Not in a smile per-se, more of a "I am considering ripping out your throat with these here teeth" expression. Combined with an intense gaze,it really reminds you why primates consider smiling to be a threat. And it gets rid of people fast.

Posted by: JustaTech | April 6, 2010 2:36 PM
smile  sexism  men 
september 2010 by Quercki
Smile, Damn You, Smile | Alas, a blog
Sheelzebub of Pinko Femnist Hellcat has written a terrific post about telling women to smile (recent “Alas” posts on that topic can be found here and here). Here’s a sample, that I think cuts directly to the heart of the matter:

What is surprising is that so many people in these discussions don’t get just how entitled one must be in to order a perfect stranger to smile at them. At the very least, it’s rude, boorish, and rather obnoxious. It says a lot that a random man feels he has the right to try and dictate how a woman arranges her facial features. It says a lot that it’s considered no big deal for a woman to be expected to change her expression for a stranger’s comfort.
Do you command random people to sing for you? Dance for you? Tell you a joke? Why is it okay to order a woman to smile? And why is it so terrible for her to resent this?
sexism  smile  men  street 
september 2010 by Quercki
Hugo Schwyzer: "Guilty until Proven Innocent" How can a man help?
"What can I do? How can I - as a man -- help this situation?"

The answers I got have been with me for nigh on eighteen years. The most important thing I can do is hold myself and other men accountable. When I'm hanging with the guys, and one of them cat-calls a girl and I say nothing, I am as guilty as he is. When I'm hanging with the guys, and leering at my classmates in miniskirts, I am part of the problem. It's not enough for men to be kind and thoughtful with the women in their lives, they must exemplify that kindness and sympathy for women even when they are in an all-male environment. The acid test of a male pro-feminist is how he interacts with other men when there are no women around. Any man can "talk the talk", and maybe even "walk the walk" in front of his mother, sister, girlfriend, wife. Can he do it with his buddies present? That's the question. And you can't be part of the solution until you do that.
feminism  kyriarchy  privilege  men  solutions 
september 2010 by Quercki
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