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aries1988 : parenting   34

There really is no natural or right way to be a parent | Aeon Essays

Children, Bowlby said, need a secure attachment to a primary caregiver, most commonly the mother, or they will suffer dire consequences such as an inability to start and maintain social relationships or even a variety of mental illnesses.
To test the types of attachment around the world, the American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth in 1970 devised a measuring tool – the Strange Situation. A mother and baby are in the room together but, after a while, someone the baby doesn’t know (the stranger) asks the mother to leave. The baby’s reaction upon the mother’s return decides the type of attachment. The ‘securely attached’ baby cries as the mother leaves but lets herself be calmed down quickly by the stranger; she is also happy when the mother returns.

That’s why Blaffer Hrdy revised Bowlby’s notion of attachment. Children, she said, could bond with multiple caregivers throughout their lives, yet experience no added anxiety or psychological problems as a result. In fact, she remarks on one very positive aspect of modern parenting that’s available in many European countries: affordable daycare. She asks me about my own experiences, and I launch into a passionate praise of the institution after seeing my own three children thrive in Dutch daycare. I agree with her: I could not have done it by myself. So-called alloparents, whether in the form of wider family members or daycare workers, matter.

But this truth gets overlooked because ‘it doesn’t fit into the narrative of the natural’. Instead, we prefer to cherrypick our parenting approaches to feed our biases. Natural parenting has more to do with how we want to be than with how we actually are.
parenting  critic  theory  kid  emotion  debate  best 
14 days ago by aries1988
從這個父親節,每天多花50分鐘,開啟家中性別平等之路
那么,该如何走出迈向平等的第一步呢?报告给出的宏观方案包括五个方面:国家层面的法律与政策制定;社会层面的性别规范;家庭层面的支持;夫妻之间的磨合以及男性自身的投入。那男性该如何投入呢?就是这么简单——每天投入50分钟。减少一顿晚饭的应酬,少睡一会懒觉,戒掉一盘游戏,而用于参与家务劳作。男性每天增加50分钟,女性相应就能减少50分钟,两性的无薪家务劳作时间便达到了各占50%的比例。
numbers  parenting  female  home  china 
10 weeks ago by aries1988
郝景芳:2019,给普通人6个建议
因此,等我们的孩子毕了业,面临的就会是这样的就业局面:高收入工作要求超级专业(例如法律、医生),或者超级有创造力(例如研发、设计、娱乐)。若不能做到极度专业,或者极度具有创造力,他们就缺少在未来就业市场的竞争力。

一是经济学基本原理:稀缺性原理。越稀缺、且被人需要的东西,价格越贵。这是经济颠扑不破的出发点。

在当前经济里,最稀缺的就是才能。全世界范围内,能源和大宗商品价格涨涨跌跌,但高技能人才的薪资却一直不变地上涨。很多人不明白为什么石油能跌到40美金,而高管的年薪能达到数百万美金。

我们都知道,一般人都需要满足了基础饱暖和安全感,才会想要追求更高层的精神目标。而我们很少思考的是:一般人在满足低层需求之后,都会自然产生更高的精神目标。
如果从小就吃饱穿暖,那么人生目标就提升到追求成就、名声这些尊重需求了。
如果从小就有了成功地位,那么人生目标就提升为自我实现需求了。
而与此同时,能够帮助人们自我实现的经济,也会有越来越大的市场空间。个性化顾问和咨询会成为越来越主流的需求,因为每个人、每个团队的自我实现都不一样。
教育亦如此。成就个体的教育是下个时代所需。

解决问题思维,和,探究本质思维,就是知识经济最重要的核心素养了。

那对于我们普通人,有什么建议呢?
· 第一条建议,就是内心笃定一点。
· 第二条建议,就是理解人的基本需求。
· 第三条建议,就是持续投资于知识技能提升。
· 第四条建议,就是给孩子探究和发挥创意的教育。
· 第五条建议,就是不要鄙薄孩子任何发展方向。
· 第六条建议,就是重视理解事物的本质。
tianjin  author  scifi  self  success  2019  china  advice  parenting  future  education  workforce 
january 2019 by aries1988
我不完美,也不想做圣母
2. 直接讲出自己的情绪。

许多家长发火是在忍无可忍的情况下突然爆发,往往使孩子无法接受,更加对立,结果导致父母的火气更大。有人据此提出了“发脾气三级法”,也就是,当你感觉自己的愤怒情绪在膨胀时,可分三个等级向孩子讲出自己内心的情绪状况:

第一级:“我对你这样的做法很不高兴”

第二级:“我气极了! ”

第三级:“我马上就要发火了! ”

这比莫名其妙地突然爆发效果,可以使孩子更好地在分级警告面前及时改变自己的行为。
parenting  children  anger  emotion  management 
june 2018 by aries1988
Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?
More comfortable in their bedrooms than in a car or at a party, today’s teens are physically safer than teens have ever been. They’re markedly less likely to get into a car accident and, having less of a taste for alcohol than their predecessors, are less susceptible to drinking’s attendant ills.

Gen X managed to stretch adolescence beyond all previous limits: Its members started becoming adults earlier and finished becoming adults later. Beginning with Millennials and continuing with iGen, adolescence is contracting again—but only because its onset is being delayed. Across a range of behaviors—drinking, dating, spending time unsupervised— 18-year-olds now act more like 15-year-olds used to, and 15-year-olds more like 13-year-olds. Childhood now stretches well into high school.
essay  teenager  generation  crisis  device  iphone  parenting  children  health  technology  2010s  moi  sociology  psychology 
august 2017 by aries1988
High-pressure parenting
the habits of the British upper classes in much of the 20th century: the business of child-rearing was largely outsourced to nannies and boarding schools.

As the West industrialised and grew richer and medicine and sanitation improved, death rates fell. Maturing economies had less need of child labour, and more need of the labour of adult women – work which took them out of the home and reduced their ability to care for large broods. What’s more, as both survival rates and the returns on education rose, the imperative when having children shifted from quantity to quality. Investing more in children’s socialisation and education served the interests of both parents and offspring.

The right specialisation, it seemed, was for skilled parents to work outside the home, where they could earn lots of money, and then use some of that lucre to hire child-care professionals to rear the little ones.

Instead of increasingly outsourcing child-rearing, parents are devoting more of the scarce time left outside working hours to their children. Over the last two decades, time spent by parents on child-rearing has jumped.
Mothers without university degrees now spend about 16 hours per week on child care, while those with degrees spend nearly 22 hours per week. For fathers the figures are seven and ten, respectively. This pattern is repeated across the rich world.

High-income parents are instead spending less time on other personal activities, including sleep.

//

Getting ready for university was a big deal. But there was no urgency to get into the best school possible, whatever the cost. Rather, school was a practical step on the path toward a sturdy, dependable career. You went to university to learn, first and foremost: to pick up the skills needed to find a trade. And while it might be nice to go to an elite institution, state schools provided great value for money.

I didn’t have one, other than pride, and I wasn’t proud enough at the time to go to the trouble of applying to Ivy League schools. I wasn’t certain what I wanted to do when I grew up, and it seemed to me that to justify going someplace fancy one needed to want to do something that really required one to go to that someplace, whatever that something might be. My parents are accountants. I knew I didn’t want to do that, but not much else. I was good at maths, so I thought I would be an engineer. The state school nearby was strong in engineering, cheap and willing to offer me a scholarship. Job done.

//

the more wrenching and decisive those years immediately before matriculation seemed to become, the earlier and the more aggressively parents and children prepared their case for the admissions officers.

By the age of 17, children were expected to have lived a full and complete life, developed their whole selves and undergone one or more personal epiphanies.

The marathon ends with a sprint: a burst of intense preparation for placement tests and demanding university applications and interviews, at the end of which, if all goes right, the young ones are launched into the nurturing confines of a top university, which themselves are a waiting room for an adult life of consequence, a distinguished dotage and an obituary the envy of all the other strivers.

activities outside the realm of scholarship: the enriching spheres of athletics, personal interests and community service. The marathon ends with a sprint: a burst of intense preparation for placement tests and demanding university applications and interviews, at the end of which, if all goes right, the young ones are launched into the nurturing confines of a top university, which themselves are a waiting room for an adult life of consequence, a distinguished dotage and an obituary the envy of all the other strivers.

We can lament the problems with the system, but when the other parents bring out the flashcards, we feel bound to as well.

Efforts to pick apart the value added by the universities themselves find that there is some, but that elite schools are not, as a rule, the ones that do the best job improving students’ earning potential.

Parents are investing massive amounts of time preparing their children to win a race that cannot be won.

Like her father, she is disorganised and struggles to find the motivation to do tasks that don’t interest her. (My three-year-old son, on the other hand, is a determined perfectionist, like his mother.) I want to help teach them how to follow their passions, and how to strive for the things they want, rather than for empty markers of success. But I am discovering that I don’t know how to channel their personalities and interests towards a good, happy, fulfilled life any more than I knew what to do with myself, scared in that freshman dorm room. But I am discovering that I don’t know how to channel their personalities and interests towards a good, happy, fulfilled life any more than I knew what to do with myself, scared in that freshman dorm room.
university  history  trend  story  kid  moi  youth  future  success  education  parenting  children  comparison  today  usa 
march 2017 by aries1988
FT correspondent James Crabtree on bringing up a baby in Mumbai

For the next two years I wrote happily about Indian business for the FT while we travelled avidly at weekends, from skiing in the Himalayas to tiger safaris in Madhya Pradesh.

Walking through an Indian airport with my son is perhaps the closest I will come to celebrity, as heads turned to watch the baby, and strangers approached, embarrassed and smiling, asking for selfies.

Back at home, we learnt the benefits of being parents in India, not least the plentiful childcare. There was even the unheard of option of night nurses, women who stay through the night to help look after the baby, allowing parents to rest. We turned that down, thinking we should learn the hard way, perplexing Indian friends. Others seemed confused that we put Alexander to bed at the primly European hour of 7pm, while many Indian babies head off to sleep rather closer to midnight.

It is often said that India is a land of contrasts, but few are more jarring than that between the grim conditions in which many children live and the profoundly child-loving culture in the country as a whole.

I hope Alexander comes to enjoy his secret Indian middle name. And even if he does not, I will remember fondly how he came to have it, and even more so the country that welcomed him into the world.

Charming colonial architecture
story  children  parenting  india  expat  uk  travel  name  tradition  culture 
november 2016 by aries1988
Relax, your kids will be fine | The Economist
Put another way, better-off parents can afford to relax a bit. Your kids will be fine if you hover over them less and let them frolic in the sun from time to time. You may be happier, too, if you spend the extra time indulging your own hobbies—or sleeping.
parenting  concept 
november 2016 by aries1988
Bringing up babel

If you don’t speak a person’s native language, there’s always a corner of their mind you can’t quite reach. But everyone who has learned a language in adulthood knows how hard it is, with the grammar books and the flash cards, the pronunciation problems and the awkward rhythm, never quite getting to fluency.

Parents normally use one of two strategies to make sure the minority language sticks: either one parent, one language, or one language at home, the other outside.

Bilinguals hit developmental milestones at the same rate as their monolingual peers. But they are prone to errors, and their total vocabulary is divided between two languages. So they usually lag behind slightly in the vocabulary of the schooling language. When these kids get to school, many teachers, with the support of doctors unfamiliar with the research, begin telling parents to speak only the majority language with the child – and many parents give in and do so.

the fear that language diversity would interfere with nation-building. A good American speaks English. By faulty syllogism, this meant that a second language made a bad American, so educational policy set about creating a nation of monoglots.

Bialystok has found that bilinguals seem to have better executive function – the ability to plan and carry out complicated tasks.

Roberto Filippi of Anglia Ruskin University has also found that bilingual children are better at tuning out distracting spoken language in the background.

Noam Chomsky theorised that human language is a single phenomenon, with relatively trivial surface differences between languages.

different languages may force people to pay attention to things they otherwise wouldn’t – such as different levels of formality, in languages that have both a formal and an informal word for you.

In one study, bilingual children did better on a task testing theory of mind. This is the knowledge, still developing in small children, that others have minds with different contents.

Many people report their first real understanding of grammar upon learning a second language.

A little can-do American optimism, a little Danish grit in the face of life’s harsh realities. If Henry acquires both of these, we will have done our job.
language  kid  parenting  choice  bilingual  brain  danish  baby  instapaper_favs 
september 2016 by aries1988
How Helicopter Parenting Can Cause Binge Drinking
We didn’t need much help from our parents to do those things. Which meant that at night, we were free. And we did many dangerous things. Mothers were not yet against drunk driving; cheerful ladies did not give you condoms at school. It wasn’t an arcadia, and many times things went terribly wrong. But most of us survived.

Today, of course, all of that is different: Professional-class parents and their children are tightly bound to each other in the relentless pursuit of admission to a fancy college. A kid on that track can’t really separate from her parents, as their close involvement in this shared goal is essential. Replicating the social class across a generation is a joint project.

A teenager growing up in one of the success factories—the exceptional public high school in the fancy zip code, the prestigious private school—will oftentimes be a person whose life is composed of extremes: extreme studying, extreme athletics, extreme extracurricular pursuits, and extreme drinking. Binge drinking slots in neatly with the other, more obviously enhancing endeavors.

A binge drinker emerges from college both elevated and coarsened: educated enough to compete in the market and sullied enough by the hard knocks of binge drinking that he won’t be too shocked by what he finds there.

make too much consciousness hard for anyone to take.
essay  drinking  university  usa  parents  parenting  choice  debate  opinion  history  culture  sports  society  college 
august 2016 by aries1988
How to Take Your Baby to Work
Get the right equipment. Line up temporary sitters just in case.
baby  parenting  work  parents 
january 2016 by aries1988
Motherhood, Screened Off
The problem with smartphones isn’t their ubiquity. It’s their opacity.

With my choice of e-book over hardcover, I had unwittingly cast myself as a familiar, much-maligned character: the mom who is blind to the daily pleasures of parenting, focused instead on some diversion which, by virtue of its taking place on that phone, is inherently trivial. The phone cruelly reduces even the worthiest of escapes to one more bit of busywork.

The difference is that those tasks, by virtue of not all transpiring on one opaque device, were tangible and thus felt legitimate.
parents  children  gadget  iphone  story  parenting  family  life 
november 2015 by aries1988
Femmes, échecs et maths
En France comme dans la plupart des pays, les filles sont les grandes absentes des filières scientifiques, au lycée comme dans l'enseignement supérieur. En 2012, elles ne représentaient que 38 % des effectifs des terminales S spécialité mathématiques, 29,7 % des effectifs des classes préparatoires scientifiques aux grandes écoles, 28 % des élèves diplômés d'une école d'ingénieur, et 27 % des titulaires d'une licence professionnelle en sciences. Le déséquilibre est tel que, depuis 2000, la mixité des formations est l'un des chantiers prioritaires des conventions interministérielles sur l'égalité.

Quand une fille échoue en maths, ses parents se désolent pour ses études en général, pour le bac à obtenir... Alors que si c'est un garçon, il semble que leur narcissisme de parents soit atteint : l'image idéale du garçon qui devrait être fort en maths est touchée. Ce préjugé est moins explicite aujourd'hui qu'il y a vingt ans, mais il continue cependant à exercer ses effets de manière sournoise.
today  maths  debate  france  education  children  parenting  female 
november 2014 by aries1988
The Way to Beat Poverty
A study by Ann Streissguth at the University of Washington found that by age 14, 60 percent of children born with fetal alcohol syndrome or effects have been suspended from school or expelled. Almost half have displayed inappropriate sexual behavior such as public masturbation.

The licking and grooming seemed to affect the development of brain structures that regulate stress. A rat’s early life in a lab is highly stressful (especially when scientists are picking up the pups and handling them), leading to the release of stress hormones such as cortisol. In the rats with less attentive mothers, the cortisol shaped their brains to prepare for a life of danger and stress. But the attentive mothers used their maternal licking and grooming to soothe their pups immediately, dispersing the cortisol and leaving their brains unaffected.
parenting  usa  science  opinion 
september 2014 by aries1988
We Didn’t Have a Plan, but the Baby Did
From that moment on, Oct. 10 became a date that loomed large. It was like when a hurricane is shown on a weather map getting bigger and bigger. Only in my case, it was my wife’s belly getting bigger and bigger. By the time my wife looked as if she had a basketball under her shirt, the baby was moving a lot. I kept missing it.

I hadn’t thought of these things because early on, my wife decided she did not want me in the delivery room. She was determined to face things on her own. There is a small park on the grounds of the hospital. I decided that the day our child was born, I would sit on a bench in the park and maybe have a snack. At some point I would receive a text that read: “Come meet your baby! :-).” I pictured myself sitting in that park on Oct. 10 many times.

As I awaited their arrival, I saw a group of pregnant women with their husbands taking a tour. They were giddy and chatty, as if on a field trip. I couldn’t help but think, “What a bunch of amateurs.”
life  love  story  parenting 
june 2014 by aries1988
Cinephilia迷影 | 《如父如子》:你不需要跟你父亲一样
《如父如子》也令人想到了今年红遍华语地区的《爸妈不在家》。作为父母能给予孩子的,除了表面上的冷暖关怀,更多是要时间上的付出和陪伴,手拉手、面对面。如此简单的一个道理,很多父母却无意疏忽了。在他们看来,作为一个社会人,只有奋力打拼,方才能给孩子和家庭一个更好的环境。只有父母好了,孩子才会真的好。可在事实上,他们背弃了责任。
是枝裕和对这样的家庭构建理念提出了质疑,也对代代相传的东方父权家庭提出了质疑。印象中,东方世界的父亲总要树立在家庭中的威严,无论批评打骂,他内心还是有热度——只是不擅长或者说无法表达。及至斋木家那样,为人父的,未免有点缺乏稳重,“当父亲的没有父亲的样子”。
但父亲并不是生来就是一名父亲,哪怕拥有着血亲的事实。为人父者,更该想想,如何当好一名父亲,而不是刻意去强调身为父亲的形象存在。
parenting  movie  from:rss 
february 2014 by aries1988
On Sharing Naked-Baby Pictures - Alexis C. Madrigal - The Atlantic
And while having lots of friends and followers is encouraged by the design of social tools, the more connections one has on social media, the greater the chances that a private post shared in public setting realizes its global potential. The people you're connected to on social media are the guardians of your information, and vice versa. Or, as our Megan Garber put it, "Your Privacy Is Your Friends' Privacy."
parenting  privacy 
november 2013 by aries1988
BBC News - Why Finnish babies sleep in cardboard boxes
And in addition to all this, Pulma says, the box is a symbol. A symbol of the idea of equality, and of the importance of children.
finland  maternity  parenting  childcare 
june 2013 by aries1988
怀孕了,也要健康美丽 - 健康朝九晚五 - 果壳网 guokr.com
怀孕了就只能忍受身材走形,情绪变化无常吗?怀孕了就不能运动,不能化妆,和漂亮无缘吗?其实,只要正确面对身体和情绪上的种种变化,怀孕了一样可以享受健康美丽。
googlereader  parenting  howto  children 
august 2012 by aries1988
易中天:望子成人,而非望子成龙
中国教育搞坏的原因是什么呢?是评价目标就是“成王败寇”四个字,忘掉了教育的根本目的。
http://www.instapaper.com/read/241859183
china  education  youth  parenting 
august 2012 by aries1988
虎妈催用功,犬子逼成才
再过几天,又是母亲节(5月13日)。这一年来最著名的母亲,大概非耶鲁大学法学院教授蔡美儿(Amy Chua)莫属。她不但自己辛苦,还带动了全世界无数母亲一起辛苦。 http://www.instapaper.com/read/312259567
parenting  chinese 
may 2011 by aries1988

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