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Is a trial a search for the truth? | Appellate Squawk
Prosecutor: (continuing) I had to spend days rehearsing my witnesses, a pathetic bunch of crybabies and losers, to make them get their stories straight. My police witnesses, of course, don’t remember a thing about the incident except that every gun is in plain sight, every defendant has glassy eyes and emanates the odor of alcoholic beverages, and every hassle with a civilian results in substantial pain and physical impairment to the cop, forcing him or her to take three years of paid leave.
law  court  crime  humor 
8 weeks ago by atbradley
Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations": A Summary — Philosophy Bro
In conclusion, get over yourself. Nothing outside of you is within your control, so don’t waste your effort. You’ll only make yourself more miserable. Be serene, dignified, patient, and honest at all times; that, and that alone, is within your power.
philosophy  humor 
august 2018 by atbradley
V-signs added to National Curriculum
Education secretary Damian Hinds said: “British people have been flicking the Vs since 1415 and the battle of Agincourt, where we so memorably used them to transcend language barriers and tell the French to fuck off.
history  humor  satire 
june 2018 by atbradley
Supervenus – An Anatomical Journey Through Perfection | Street Anatomy
Supervenus is a humorous, if not tragic, view into contemporary female beauty standards. Experimental filmmaker, Frederic Doazan and sound editor, Vandy Roc created this film. They begin with the surface anatomy of a woman in an anatomical text that looks to be from the 1800s. We then see the gloved hands of a surgeon meticulously cutting, plumping, and stretching the female figure from her standard healthy size down to ridiculous proportions. When you think there are no more modifications left to make, the surgeon does a little more, goes a little further, and gets a lot more ridiculous. Until everything starts to fall apart…
anatomy  humor  satire 
april 2018 by atbradley
How To Argue On The Internet: A Step-By-Step Guide
6.) Keep in view your real goal: grandstanding to get lots of likes on your replies, not to seriously engage your ideological foes’ worldviews. It’s a successful argument if you get a few hundy likes on each of your replies. In fact, rather than replying directly to the person, quote their tweet and post your scathing reply to all your followers for more likes and shares.
humor  internet  society  socialmedia 
april 2018 by atbradley
The TL;DR Edition Of All 66 Books Of The Bible
The Bible is really long.

Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can understand. We reduced every book to a single, memorable line, so you don’t have to read a word of it for yourself. Nice!
reliigion  humor 
february 2018 by atbradley
Roy Moore’s Lawyer Accused of Uncomfortable Relationship With English Language | Lowering the Bar
Roy Moore isn’t “Chief Justice Roy Moore.” He was that, but he no longer is, because he was kicked out for violating Alabama’s Canons of Judicial Ethics, including Canon 2, “A Judge Shall Not Dump Upon the Rule of Law.” There is some disagreement about whether a person can go around using a title he or she no longer holds. I’m not really sure why that is, since HE OR SHE NO LONGER HOLDS IT and so it’s potentially deceptive. But even if you think a former judge or senator or whatever should be able to do that generally speaking, surely that should not apply to one who had the title removed for misconduct. I guess the sentence could be read to imply that Moore is Chief Justice of the “Foundation for Moral Law,” not of a court. But then it would just be false.
law  humor  politics  alabama 
january 2018 by atbradley
If We Want Video Games to be Taken Seriously as an Art Form, We Need to be Really Insufferable
That’s not to say we aren’t making tons of progress. Every time a game is lauded for its story, concept, and art direction, without considering whether or not the experience is enjoyable or would have worked just as well as an animated short on Vimeo, we get a little closer.
satire  humor  videogames 
january 2018 by atbradley
The War on Jewish Christmas must be stopped
Chinese food and a movie. Perfectly pleasant rituals, made special by the fact that the Gentiles are all at home or at church. After a month or two of listening to Christmas music blasted everywhere, after weeks of avoiding malls and shopping centers because of frenzied Christmas shopping, finally the Jews can emerge and just enjoy a simple ethnic meal and a movie with the other minorities that make help make this country great.
judaism  christmas  humor 
december 2017 by atbradley
pourmecoffee on Twitter: "You should be allowed to murder someone who gives a PowerPoint presentation before noon on Mondays. That seems fair and uncontroversial."
You should be allowed to murder someone who gives a PowerPoint presentation before noon on Mondays. That seems fair and uncontroversial.
powerpoint  humor  twitter 
october 2017 by atbradley
Bosnia’s stand-ups jest about genocide
“You guys are Serbs, right?” he asks crowds in Republika Srpska. “Am I the only Omer you’ve ever met without killing? I have to thank you for my pension, by the way. I wouldn’t have gotten it if you hadn’t killed my father.”
humor  comedy  war  genocide 
october 2017 by atbradley
Op-Ed: Christianity Is Not About Religion—It's About A Personal Relationship With Donald Trump
It’s not ritual, it’s not ceremony, it’s not going to church on the first day of the week and wearing your Sunday best. It’s not wearing shined-up shoes and polo shirts so everyone else at church will think you’re doing alright. It’s not cold, and it’s not dead. It is a living, active relationship with God’s chosen ruler of the United States.

Don’t measure your faith by how much stuff you do for God; measure your faith by how closely your life emulates that of our savior, Donald Trump. This simple paradigm shift will cause your spiritual growth to skyrocket as you shed the empty shell of false religion and connect on a personal level with Trump.
religion  satire  humor 
october 2017 by atbradley
Stoicism Bootcamp - Existential Comics
It is super non-stoic to file small claims cases.
stoicism  philosophy  humor  comic 
september 2017 by atbradley
48 – Library Comic
"You need to set a better example for the kids."
comic  humor  library 
july 2017 by atbradley
Emergency officials: Is your home 72 hours booze prepared? - The Beaverton
“Being aware of the risks of not having a convenient access to spirits, beer, or wine is very real,” announced Steve Cashwell, a director at Emergency Measures Ontario. “Be prepared for anything from a fire or earthquake, to a tornado or a strike at the LCBO that really limits your options to the Beer Store, supermarkets, breweries, wineries, distilleries, and wine retailers.”

Cashwell reminded everyone to make sure a preparedness kits contains two bottles of wine, one Two-Four of beer, three mickeys, a glass, a bottle-opener, and a flashlight so you can find your stash in the event of a power outage.
alcohol  humor 
june 2017 by atbradley
Today's Document • ourpresidents: JFK’s Nod to a School Rivalry ...
JFK’s Nod to a School Rivalry

Upon receiving an honorary degree from Yale University in June of 1962, President John F. Kennedy (Harvard class of 1940) remarked:

“It might be said that now I have the best of both worlds, a Harvard education and a Yale degree." 

-From the JFK Library
history  humor  academia 
june 2017 by atbradley
Melbourne’s Coldest Morning Of The Year; 18 Queenslanders Found Dead – The Shovel
Melbourne woke up to a chilly 4 degrees this morning, the coldest of the year so far. Eighteen former Queenslanders died.

Experts say thousands of Queenslanders emigrate south each year in search of valuable art degrees and decent coffee. Tragically, many of them never return.

One Queenslander foolishly booked a June holiday in Melbourne to prove a point to his mates. His funeral is next week.
australia  humor 
june 2017 by atbradley
Report: ‘Hello Kitty’ actually best possible outcome of Kroeger/Lavigne collaboration - The Beaverton
Sources inside the faculty say that the couple easily could have collaborated on any number of projects that would have been “absolutely devastating”. Worse predictions ran the gamut from “Christmas album” to “Michael Jackson memorial tribute album” to “God forbid, a baby.”

“Cutting-edge research and ancient prophecy both confirm that such a child could bring about the end of all music,” Radkowicz said. “Plus, they’d probably name it something stupid, like Kaelynn.”
music  humor 
june 2017 by atbradley
Letters of Note on Twitter: "When Jack Lemmon failed to win a Tony Award in 1979, he received a message of support from frequent co-star Walter Matthau."
When Jack Lemmon failed to win a Tony Award in 1979, he received a message of support from frequent co-star Walter Matthau.

"Your incompetence is shameful."
june 2017 by atbradley
Report: Episcopalians May Still Exist | The Babylon Bee
“Contrary to popular opinion, yes, we are still around,” Most Reverend Michael Curry, head of the apparently-still-in-existence Episcopalian Church, allegedly said Monday in front of a dilapidated, overgrown church building. “We exist, and we plan to continue not to die. In fact, we are still hanging in there, and to my knowledge, we have not yet ceased to be.” Curry then allowed reporters to touch his hands to prove his existence, though all photos of Curry’s press conference mysteriously disappeared.
religion  humor  satire 
june 2017 by atbradley
Philosophy News Network: Derrida Arrested - Existential Comics
"...A 20 year old freshman philosophy student has solved philosophy...."
humor  comic  philosophy 
may 2017 by atbradley
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Why do you want to work here?
Modern work is only Kafkaesque so long as you expect it to make sense.
work  comic  humor 
april 2017 by atbradley
BBC Two on Twitter: "We're hiring! Application details to follow."
The successful candidate will have experience of knowledge as well as of the wider media environment.
jobs  humor 
april 2017 by atbradley
Female Noise Artist Proves Women Can Be Talentless and Weird Too
“I spend most my time reading Peter Sotos and recording power-saws grinding up against concrete with a Fischer-Price tape recorder I have had since I was a kid. Some might see these activities as inherently masculine; they’re all entrapped by their illusions,” said the pale and shaky McDonald. “I try to stay in as much as possible, as people make me physically ill. The sun is false hope for the human race. We are our darkest desires.”
feminism  women  music  humor 
april 2017 by atbradley
Generation Trump — Crooked Timber
The crucial thing about this generation is that their character is formed entirely in Trump’s image. They are hedonistic, totally self-centred, have a short attention span, are prone to mood swings, and are almost entirely ignorant of the world beyond their own immediate concerns. On the other hand, they can be loving and affectionate, and many are totally family-oriented.
humor  trump 
april 2017 by atbradley
Bob the Angry Flower - In Your Face
Let me guess. It blew up in your face.
comic  fail  humor 
april 2017 by atbradley
The Philosophy Friends - Existential Comics
The only real question is whether or not we should end our pointless existence now, or persist a few more wretched years before nature brings us to the inevitable.
comic  animals  philosophy  humor 
march 2017 by atbradley
Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet
"There's a cure?!" asked the girl that kills everything she touches.
"Hey shut up we're perf" replied the girl that makes clouds.
humor  xmen  film  media 
march 2017 by atbradley
Pastor Prays For Sweet Embrace Of Death As Leadership Meeting Nears Fifth Hour | The Babylon Bee
“Take me now, Father God. I am ready,” Wesley whispered almost inaudibly as other church leaders debated about the overuse of the copy machine. “I listened intently to the discussion about the scheduling conflict between Sunday’s potluck and the church softball game. I endured the complaints about the temperature in the sanctuary. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”
meetings  humor  satire  religion 
march 2017 by atbradley
Vatican Considering Possibility Of Allowing Priests To Confess Their Sins In The Mirror
The possible change was signaled by Pope Francis during a meeting with the International Union Of Priests when a priest asked, “Priests are sinners, but they also have the ability to forgive sins. Why can they forgive the sins of everyone including the pope, but not themselves?”
humor  satire  religion 
march 2017 by atbradley
Man Not Nearly As Important As Twitter Profile Suggests | The Babylon Bee
NORTH BEND, OR—Internet users looking at Jacob Livingstone’s Twitter profile—which features a professional photo of him laid over a background gradient, along with a cover photo depicting a large city at night—might be led to believe the man is an important figure in modern culture, but recent research seems to suggest his bold claims about himself are at least partial fabrications.
internet  socialmedia  humor 
march 2017 by atbradley
Existential Cooking - Existential Comics
As time stretches out, all human projects will dissolve and fail. The striving towards the muffins must, in the end, be enough.
humor  comic  philosophy  baking 
february 2017 by atbradley
It could happen to you – An und für sich
Like everyone, I mocked the tweet. Deep down, I never thought it could happen to me. Now I wish I had stopped to think things through, because I didn’t know how to respond. A terrorist had actually kidnapped my baby. By all indications, he had rigged the poor little tyke with a bomb set to go off in one hour. Somehow, miraculously, I had wound up in the same room with him. And now I faced a terrible choice: do I torture the terrorist, or let my baby be blown up, by the bomb that he had rigged the baby with, and then left the baby at some remote location while winding up in a situation where he could be tortured by me?
torture  ethics  humor 
january 2017 by atbradley
Office Realpolitik - Existential Comics
...wars don't just go away, they are only postponed to someone else's advantage.
humor  philosophy  comic 
january 2017 by atbradley
Find Out What Andrew Garfield, Frank Oz, And Amy ... | ClickHole
“Most of my friends have library late fees so big they’d make your head spin off your shoulders. But before you balk, please let me explain: That stuff is just part of the celebrity lifestyle.”
—Amy Adams
On excess
humor  library 
december 2016 by atbradley
Ayn Rand Cursed A Guy's Dick So Bad He Moved To LA - The Toast
I hardly know where to begin with this, my thoughts are so scattered and unfocused, and because this is Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Ayn Rand once had a breakup that went so badly she cursed the guy’s penis for the rest of his life and he moved across the entirety of America to Los Angeles to escape the Dick Curse of Ayn Rand, only it didn’t work because once Ayn Rand has it out for your genitals. you’re already dead.
objectivism  aynrand  history  humor  biography 
december 2016 by atbradley
Man With Jeremiah 29:11 Tattoo Recounts His Time In Babylonian Captivity | The Babylon Bee
“That verse kicked off a shift in my life, and it came when I was at rock bottom,” Levenson told reporters as he showed off the inked inscription of the passage in between his shoulder blades. “I was out of a job and in the middle of a rough patch with my girlfriend. I was struggling with spiritual doubt. And to top it all off, I was captured and carried into captivity by an Ancient Mesopotamian empire.”
religion  humor 
december 2016 by atbradley
Amy Grant Releases 200th Christmas Album | The Babylon Bee
Industry experts attribute the instant success of the album to a growing sense of unrest among Christians, who had not been blessed by a new Amy Grant Christmas album in almost three months.
religion  music  humor 
december 2016 by atbradley
Local Family Inadvertently Prints Imprecatory Psalm On Christmas Cards | The Babylon Bee
“We decided on Psalm 86:8—but I must have fat-fingered it when I typed in which verse number I wanted them to print out on the cards,” the horrified patriarch Jim Fuller told reporters.

“Psalm 86:8 would’ve been great—‘Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours,’ but instead I’ve got Aunt Shirley calling to ask what kind of sick weirdos we are.”
christmas  humor 
december 2016 by atbradley
Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying
STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even though he’s 49 years old, and now he wears a cross and everything—boy, you’ve got to think it was something pretty terrible that made him religious at this point,” said coworker Jessica Redmond, who explained that because D’Amato was all of a sudden attending multiple services per week and now often peppers his conversations with mentions of the light that Jesus provides to his life, the cause of his religious awakening was almost certainly “really, really bad.” “The guy’s nearly 50, and now he finds God right out of the blue? I bet it’s something with drugs. Or maybe he killed someone in a car accident. Either way, something super messed up happened to him.” At press time, speculation about D’Amato’s circumstances had grown more rampant after sources confirmed he had volunteered to read a passage from Ephesians about forgiveness and redemption during last week’s services at the local Presbyterian church.
religion  humor 
december 2016 by atbradley
Touch Any Of The Christmas Decorations In This Church And I Will Cut You | The Babylon Bee
Just a quick side note for you: if you or your kids accidentally knock over my nativity set, pull an ornament off one of the five Christmas trees in the foyer, or otherwise tweak any of the Christmas decorations I spent the last four days painstakingly crafting and meticulously dressing all over the church building, I will end you.
christmas  humor 
december 2016 by atbradley
Australia Falls 4 Places – From 18th to 28th – In International Maths Rankings – The Shovel
In a wake-up call for the nation’s educators, Australia has plummeted on the international maths rankings tables for students, falling to 28th spot – a 10% decline on last year’s 18th.

Education Minister Simon Birmingham said the results were disappointing, but not cause for alarm. “I can literally count on one hand the number of places we’ve fallen. So it’s not disastrous”.

Australia’s science rankings also fell in the global study – from 12th to 17th – although an education spokesperson said she was unable to find any evidence of that ranking.

Mr Birmingham said he would seek to address the dropping standards, but pointed out that Australia’s primary and secondary school literacy results were exallant.
education  humor  australia 
december 2016 by atbradley
The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome
Only one conclusion can be drawn from these data. Family members literally worry themselves to death over the outcome of their relatives’ performance on each exam.
science  parody  humor  academia  death 
december 2016 by atbradley
Man Returns To Work After Vacation With Fresh, Reenergized Hatred For Job
EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to the office with a fresh and rejuvenated loathing for his job. “It’s always nice to get away for a few weeks, clear my head, and come back invigorated with a newfound disgust for my place of employment and the various responsibilities of my thoroughly depressing job,” said Bueso, 38, noting that his time away had inspired him to complete mind-numbing administrative tasks, engage in idle discussions with his aggravating coworkers, and listen to bullshit inspirational speeches from his boss with a rekindled sense of anger and despair. “I’m rested, my batteries are recharged, and I’m ready to despise my entire professional life more intensely than ever before!” At press time, a revitalized Bueso was furiously balling his fists at the sound of a nearby coworker’s loud typing.
humor  work 
november 2016 by atbradley
Desperate Ohio Now Exploring Homeopathic Execution Methods
COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods. “Supply restrictions prevent us from obtaining the thiopental sodium or pentobarbital used under our old system, but we’re confident that our new combination of noxious herbs and lethal dilutions will allow us to swiftly and humanely execute our worst offenders via natural means,” said Ohio prisons spokesperson Michael Ewert, adding that the state had consulted with a number of leading homeopaths, gurus, and yogis to ensure their new, holistic method of capital punishment would be effective for killing inmates in mind, body, and soul. “The linchpin of our new system is a potent three-herb cocktail of foxglove, wolfsbane, and deadly nightshade, which will shut down the inmate’s chakras one by one before completely extinguishing their ch’i and then, finally, stopping their heart.” At press time, Ewert confirmed that the state had scrapped the new procedure after an inmate’s spirit had been trapped at the threshold of the natural world for three hours before finally passing into a state of infinite wisdom.
humor  satire  crime  death 
november 2016 by atbradley
When Things That Seem Bad Are Actually Good – I Hate the New York Times
“Similarly, the ticket buyers would voluntarily give up their $800 for a seat.   The transaction makes both buyer and seller better off. That is how free markets are supposed to work.” Ya see, folks, here’s how the invisible hand of the marketplace works. It all begins with rational free agents acting in rational ways. Let’s say you need a car to get to work, so you buy one at the market rate.  The car company pays workers to make the cars, at a rate the free market determines their skills are worth. Meanwhile, elsewhere, a bunch of bankers need to make several million dollars doing credit default swaps, but in doing so, they inadvertently screw up the economy in such a way that there’s less money around. Now fewer people can afford to buy cars, and the car workers’ skills are suddenly worth nothing, even though they’re still just as good at making cars and everyone still wants cars just as much as they did before, so they lose their jobs. (The cars are contributing to an extinction-level environmental catastrophe, but it’s also bad to stop making them, because the free market has determined that there shouldn’t be any convenient public transportation, so if people don’t have cars they won’t be able to get to work and they’ll be unemployed too.) Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, word of the workers’ plight reaches a man whose free-market skills are worth thousands of times what the car workers’ ever were, due to his ability to think up such brilliant comedic conceits as “what if Lance Ito worked at Benihana.” He decides to remedy the workers’ lack of regular currency by supplying them with nature’s currency, which is jokes.  The workers decide to turn the comedic capital back into regular capital by selling the tickets to other free-market agents. Finally, the assets are bought on the free market by people who have 800 extra dollars lying around that they earned doing credit default swaps. What an inspiring chain of events.  You’ll note that in this scenario, the only people who actually do anything that contributes to making anyone’s life better have all been laid off, yet somehow this is supposed to prove that the free market makes sense. Economists explaining the market have a real knack for not seeing the big picture. It’s like when the hoarders on Hoarders stick their arm into a horrifying pile of junk, pull out an antique music box, and go “See, this stuff is nice!  I can’t believe you want me to throw it away.”
humor  economics  media  hamilton 
november 2016 by atbradley
The Worst Presidential Race in American History | Lowering the Bar
Among other things, the Federalists published anonymous letters accusing Jefferson of having been a coward during the Revolution (scandalous!) and of having an affair with one of his slaves (scandalous! also true!). They also claimed Jefferson was mixed-race himself and that he planned to free all the slaves if he won (scandalous! also false), showing that playing the “race card” is nothing new. (Fun fact: The guy who wrote many of these slurs was Alexander Hamilton.) Other Adams supporters warned that Jefferson’s election “would result in a civil war and a national orgy of rape, incest, and adultery,” and that his supporters were “cut-throats who walk in rags and sleep amid filth and vermin[!].”
history  politics  us  humor 
november 2016 by atbradley
Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups | The Babylon Bee
Christian groups expressed concern over the new design, but many believers were reportedly relieved that Starbucks was not promoting something like unity or tolerance with this year’s cup design.
humor  satire  religion 
november 2016 by atbradley
World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation
WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation. “Given all this great country has achieved, I felt it was important to take the time to come here today in order to show my appreciation and say my final goodbyes,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, one of over 200 presidents and prime ministers who flew to the U.S. capital to share their favorite memories of the 240-year-old nation and tell the country just how much it always meant to them before it was too late. “When it became clear that time was running out, I felt I had to come here and see this wonderful country one last time, as it has been a dear friend of ours. Sure, we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we knew it always meant well. While this is certainly a sad occasion, at least we can take comfort knowing that it had a full, rich life and that this was just its time to go.” Sources confirmed that Pakistan’s president, Mamnoon Hussain, delivered his deepest sympathies on behalf of the Chinese delegation, which was unable to make the trip.
satire  humor  us 
november 2016 by atbradley
Band Makes Up for Shitty Music with Matching Costumes
“I always thought [Flesh Smell] was just bad,” said Weber, “but they look so much more professional with those matching costumes. I’m thinking they’re more experimental. Like actual artists, or something. They have something going on that I don’t quite understand. It’s innovative.”

Flesh Smell’s three-year career has been nearly universally considered “sub-par at best.” Zine editor and guy-that-buys-everyone-beer, Hector Mule, recalled, “I remember seeing them at a house show where the bass player’s amp wasn’t plugged in for the entire set. He didn’t even know. He just kept asking his drummer to play softer so he could hear himself.”
music  humor 
november 2016 by atbradley
Federal Government Introduces Six New Sizzlin' Skillet Breakfasts
WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to combat the nation's hunger problem, the federal government introduced six hearty new "Sizzlin' Skillet" breakfasts Monday.

"Good news, America," U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman said. "We've got something for even the biggest appetite. Wake up and smell what's cookin' at the federal government."
humor  government 
november 2016 by atbradley
The Power Of Positive Declarations: Joel Osteen Can Now Fly | The Babylon Bee
It’s no great secret how he acquired the ability to levitate and propel himself through the air at will. “Ever since I was a boy, I’ve wanted to fly,” he announced Sunday from his pulpit in front of 15,000 churchgoers and another 7 million watching on TV. “Well I just decided one day I wasn’t going to let the enemy hold me back anymore, and I started boldly declaring before God each and every day that I was going to fly. I spoke the words, ‘I’m taking the limits off of you, God. I will achieve flight. I declare it so!’ And guess what happened, church…”
religion  humor  parody 
october 2016 by atbradley
Passionate Burning In Man's Chest During Worship Service Actually Galaxy Note 7 Bursting Into Flames | The Babylon Bee
Witnesses report the man then dove to the floor and began to roll to put out the fire sparked by the faulty Samsung battery, screaming for help as he rolled around, but his fellow worshipers were simply overjoyed to “see the Spirit move in such a powerful way,” not realizing his wild and sudden movements were the result of a small fire on his person.
religion  humor 
october 2016 by atbradley
A portrait of the Person-Guy | Idiot Joy Showland
The Person-Guy comes in many forms. Sometimes he’s just you, and all the things you like to do, reified into something that is at once a general social type and a Platonic model from which lesser beings can learn such valuable lessons as ‘it is good to have at least one daughter’ and ‘pronounce the word “helicopter” correctly, you utter cretin.’ But most of the time the Person-Guy is someone you don’t like. The Person-Guy is either very stupid, or not entirely stupid, but the wrong kind of not entirely stupid. The Person-Guy is all the vain and shallow women that ever rejected you. The Person-Guy supports a politician you have reservations about, wore a toga to a frat party, and is mysteriously close to the levers of power. The Person-Guy is absolutely real.
humor  politics  society 
october 2016 by atbradley
Worship Bassist Placed Under Church Discipline For Venturing Onto Bottom String | The Babylon Bee
“We’ve reviewed footage of Woodward’s little stunt up there,” a stern elder Bryce Etherton said in a statement to press. “And while yes, Kyle definitely laid it down like a boss, we’re placing him under our church discipline and restoration process for disregarding the clear regulative guidelines for bass usage in the context of the local church.”
religion  church  music  humor 
october 2016 by atbradley
copyranter: She's Got 99 Problems But An Itch Ain't One.*
"My life is way too active for (affliction here). That's why I use (product). It's got (ingredient), so it always give me (product benefits !, 2 & 3). It's one less thing to think about during my busy days. And nights. (wink)"
advertising  humor 
october 2016 by atbradley
PastVox on Twitter: "1773: By destroying tea shipments, the Thugs Of Liberty have disrespected all of the veterans who've fought to establish our colonies."
1773: By destroying tea shipments, the Thugs Of Liberty have disrespected all of the veterans who've fought to establish our colonies.
humor  history  politics  patriotism 
september 2016 by atbradley
Liberty University Announces Plans To Open On-Campus Trump Casino | The Babylon Bee
Located adjacent to the school’s beloved multi-purpose building, The Vines Center, the impressive Trump Liberty Casino will boast over 1000 gaming machines and 35 table games, while offering a convenient, direct connection to Liberty’s Business Office. “Students will have the opportunity to hit it big playing craps and then pay off their tuition, all in one place—all while supporting President Donald J. Trump and Liberty University, and experiencing our state-of-the-art gaming floor, dozens of generous table games, and fine membership benefits,” announced Falwell, Jr., who noted that the mogul and the Christian university will be splitting gaming income “right down the middle.”
humor  satire  trump  religion  politics  us  2016 
september 2016 by atbradley
Punk Photographer Takes Every Middle Finger Personally
“I guess my soul just hurts man, I suppose if these people just learned some manners then things would be easier. At the end of the day I am human, how about a thumbs up or an A-OK symbol? I can’t handle the negativity any longer,” said Grunwald.
music  photography  humor 
september 2016 by atbradley
Murderous Thug and Immediate Threat to Society Put On Administrative Leave
SA — A cold-blooded killer who threatens the safety of everyone around him due to his uncontrollable rage and easy access to firearms was put on paid administrative leave today.

“It’s just good to get a guy like this off the streets,” said local police captain Joe Herkins. “And force him to think about what he’s done while cashing a paycheck in a tropical paradise somewhere. He’ll just have to oppress minorities without a gun for a few months and see how he feels about his actions after that.”
crime  law  humor  satire  police 
august 2016 by atbradley
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