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Want to lie about our sex life. Well hope you enjoy your fake herpes. : pettyrevenge
It's like bullshit Aikido. Use your assailants momentum against them.
The magical thinking of guys who love logic | The Outline
In retrospect, it’s unsurprising that a lot of New Atheism devolved into reactionary, antifeminist, and even white supremacist thought, because it was never really about the things it claimed to be about. The dominant affect of New Atheism wasn’t humility, or reflexivity, or curiosity, all the things one truly needs to improve intellectually. It was smugness.
misogyny  narcissism  men 
4 days ago
Should You Spend, or Save, as if You’ll Live Forever? - The New York Times
Parents spending days chasing young children around will complain that they feel far older than their years. But their parents — if they have their health and a bit of wealth — are just as likely to say how young and vital they feel, better than they imagined 60, 70 or even 80 could be.

Older people’s ability to proclaim their youth, strength and all-around-great lives appears to be thriving. But the age you feel, as opposed to the years you’ve accumulated, affects how you think about your money, many experts now believe. They say it influences how people save, spend, donate and plan what to leave to heirs.
nytimes  money  mindset  psychology 
5 days ago
Weekly global economic update | Deloitte Insights
Until about 30 years ago, most recessions in industrial countries came about due to economic overheating and the commensurate tightening of monetary policy. A decline in demand led to a surge in inventories and the need to cut back production, contributing to a recession. In recent decades, however, this has not been the case. Rather, recessions have mostly come about due to financial imbalances. Plus, they’ve come about less frequently than in the past. This reflects the shift away from a goods-based economy toward a less volatile services-based economy, implementation of information technology thereby enabling better inventory management, and better central bank management of inflation expectations. What will cause the next recession? Financial imbalances remain a possibility, especially as the world has loaded up on corporate debt. But the next recession might come about due to a collapse of investment in light of trade wars and trade uncertainty. 
5 days ago
No - how to say it - Google Docs
When someone emails me to get a coffee, I immediately call them. I know that they are free as they have just emailed me. They usually pick up. They are so honored that I called them quickly. I then let them know that I have just a few minutes, but I’d like to be helpful. They ask me the favor. (It is usually a request for an introduction.) I usually oblige, which takes me about 2 minutes. Done. The person feels honored that I responded so quickly and did what they were hoping for … and it took me less than 5 minutes total.

If I get the email long after they sent it, and they don’t pick up when I call back, then I respond in email: “Scheduling a coffee will take a while, but I can call you fairly soon. You are now on my call list, and I will call you when I can.” I then put them on my call list, and call whenever I would otherwise be listening to a podcast (ie- in an Uber).
management  productivity  hiring  boundaries 
6 days ago
Brett Kavanaugh Fit In With the Privileged Kids. She Did Not. - The New York Times
This awakening caused Ms. Ramirez to distance herself from the past. She fell out of touch with one Yale friend — who had asked Ms. Ramirez to be her daughter’s godmother — after the friend’s husband made fun of a book she was reading on racial identity. The husband, a Yale classmate, was one of the students she remembered being at the dorm party that difficult night.

“If I felt like a person in my life wasn’t going to embrace my journey or would somehow question it,” she said, “I just let them go.”
nytimes  boundaries 
6 days ago
She’s 26, and Brought Down Uber’s C.E.O. What’s Next? - The New York Times
She read Plutarch’s “Lives.” “The Stoics were really what changed me,” she says. “Because their whole thing was about, ‘You don’t have control over a lot of the things that determine your life, so all you can do is focus on becoming the best person that you can be.’

“I didn’t really care if they branded me a troublemaker,” she says, “because I hadn’t gotten that far in my life and overcome all these things to get treated inappropriately. I wasn’t going to take it. I’d worked so hard. I deserved so much better. And I was, like, ‘No. That’s not O.K. You don’t get to do that.’”
nytimes  interviews  susanfowler  stoicism  badass  uber  boundaries 
10 days ago
What happens to Asian-American overachievers when the test-taking ends? (2011) | Hacker News
As a (south) Asian immigrant I found this article trite. To answer the title—what happens after the test taking ends? Asians end up as the highest income demographic in the country. Thank you, tiger mom. I also don’t appreciate the angsty ranting about Asian immigrant culture. Work hard, keep your head down, raise kids, provide for your family, respect your parents, etc. Those are great values and are as much traditional American values as Asian immigrant ones. It’s the American baby boomers and millennials with their fixation on self-gratification that are the outliers.

I agree with you. There's a tendency of exaggerating the downsides of Asian culture. Some people can't accept uncomfortable truths. I lived in Japan for one year. I felt like a medieval peasant stepping into a time machine. Everything was clean, safe and fully operational. Rome looks like a ghetto compared to Tokyo. Not one graffiti in sight – a byproduct of respect for public spaces. Critics always bring up their work culture, as if that invalidates the whole picture.

> Work hard, keep your head down, raise kids, provide for your family, respect your parents, etc.

Have you noticed how American media is always set on undermining those qualities?
culture  race  family  america  immigration 
10 days ago
(5) David Spinks on Twitter: "Most conference’s attendees don’t want a Ted style talk, they want tactics, numbers, specifics. If you’re a well known leader, or a closing keynote, then give a Ted talk. Otherwise, get in the weeds and help attendees g
Most conference’s attendees don’t want a Ted style talk, they want tactics, numbers, specifics.

If you’re a well known leader, or a closing keynote, then give a Ted talk.

Otherwise, get in the weeds and help attendees get better at something.
speaking  ted 
10 days ago
The Seminary Flourished on Slave Labor. Now It’s Planning to Pay Reparations. - The New York Times
Reparations aren't a handout or a manifestation of white guilt, they're an attempt to address the fact that this society was built on slavery, and the descendants of slaves have by and large been deliberately excluded from the prosperity their ancestors created. Spare me complaints that your great-great-grandpappy came over from the old country and never owned slaves. If your face looks white and you're here, you benefit from that same prosperity and you have taken on a debt.

Read the non-fiction book "All God's Children" by Fox Butterfield and you will better appreciate how the legacy of slavery has had a ripple effect (more like a tsunami effect) that manifests itself today.
nytimes  slavery  history  america  racism  economics  reparations  books 
10 days ago
French Housing Project, Once a Symbol of the Future, Is Now a Tale of the Past - The New York Times
Sanders and Warren pretty much sum up what is the status quo in Western Europe and has been for decades with great success. And that's capitalism with an eye on the common good (which is a national asset). It has nothing to do with socialism, let alone communism (Sanders unwisely chose this label as a provocation, which will doom his candidacy).

On a global perspective, Sanders is center left and Warren is center right. Only in the USA, decades long conservative propaganda decried any resonable middle ground as "socialism" to scare workers into voting against their own economic interest.

I absolutely share the conservative sentiments of rugged individualism, self reliance and such. But the irrational fear of "socialism" behind all corners is simply misinformed and paranoid at times.
nytimes  america  france  politics 
10 days ago
Inside the Minds of the Women Who Joined ISIS - The New York Times
Moaveni’s central observation, a theme that surfaces again and again in her detailed accounts, is that the decisions of female ISIS recruits — some of them young girls — made sense to them on their own terms. But almost no one bothered to address them on those terms when it mattered. The book highlights the failures of families, communities and governments to listen to the real and legitimate concerns of the women and girls, concerns that ISIS exploited, and address them in ways that could have made better sense to them than the call of the caliphate.

...And she homes in on a prickly subject. The pain and anger over the West’s treatment of Muslims, while exploited by ISIS, are entirely mainstream in Muslim households, including the vast majority that deplore any violence against civilians. But children alienated from their parents, like converts with no family context, were vulnerable to extremists.
nytimes  cults 
10 days ago
It’s a New Morning for Jennifer Aniston - The New York Times
“Now actors are taken more seriously as producers,” Hahn continued. “But when we started, even though Jen had been on a TV series for eight years, it was still a little like, ‘Oh, isn’t that cute.’”

It was there in that garage that Hahn and Aniston, with Pitt, co-founded the production company Plan B, which was then called Bloc Productions, a name that had come to Aniston during a game of Scrabble, she said. They developed “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” “A Mighty Heart” and “The Departed,” on which Hahn was an executive producer.
nytimes  jenniferaniston  tv  film  networking  women 
10 days ago
Jason Shilling Kendall: Citizen Astronomer
I have seen great horror. I hope that you never have to see it in your lifetime for yourself.
9/11  writing 
10 days ago
LNG and Liquefaction – Cameron LNG
Awesome breakdown of what LNG is and why it's so safe to transport.
12 days ago
META: Too many AITA commenters advocate too quickly for people to leave their partners at the first sign of conflict, and this kind of thinking deprives many people of emotional growth. : AmItheAsshole
I’ve become frustrated with how quick a lot of AITA commenters are to encourage OP’s to leave their partners when a challenging experience is posted. While leaving a partner is a necessary action in some cases, just flippantly ending a relationship because conflicts arise is not only a dangerous thing to recommend to others, but it deprives people of the challenges necessary to grow and evolve as emotionally intelligent adults.

When we muster the courage to face our relationship problems, and not run away, we develop deeper capacities for Love, Empathy, Understanding, and Communication. These capacities are absolutely critical for us as a generation to grow into mature, capable, and sensitive adults.

Encouraging people to exit relationships at the first sign of trouble is dangerous and immature, and a byproduct of our “throw-away” consumer society. I often get a feeling that many commenters don’t have enough relationship experience to be giving such advise in the first place.

Please think twice before encouraging people to make drastic changes to their relationships; we should be encouraging greater communication and empathy as the first response to most conflicts.
advice  life  relationships  communication 
15 days ago
‘It’s Kind of Like an Addiction’: On the Road With Trump’s Rally Diehards - WSJ
All of them describe, in different ways, a euphoric flow of emotions between themselves and the president, a sort of adrenaline-fueled, psychic cleansing that follows 90 minutes of chanting and cheering with 15,000 other like-minded Trump junkies.

“Once you start going, it’s kind of like an addiction, honestly,” said April Owens, a 49-year-old financial manager in Kingsport, Tenn., who has been to 11 rallies. “I love the energy. I wouldn’t stand in line for 26 hours to see any rock band. He’s the only person I would do this for, and I’ll be here as many times as I can.”
wsj  trump  cults 
16 days ago
My new self defense mechanism : creepyPMs
"You have now subscribed to Armenia facts."
funny  armenian 
16 days ago
My husband (m/32) cheated on me (f27) during the most vulnerable and dependent time of my life and I don't know what to do. : relationships
What determines where we end up in life is not what happens to us, but who we are.

And you are clearly somebody special. You are describing a series of accomplishments actions that reflect strength, talent, skill, and a ton of heart.

Right now you have been thrown into the bottom of a hole by an a**hole, and all you can see right this minute is how deep the hole is, and how steep the sides are. And because of that, and because you have been emotionally beaten to a pulp by this betrayal, it may feel, right now, like the hole is your destiny.

It's not. Your destiny is wonderful, because you are a wonderful person. I get that you feel like you've been beaten up and left by the roadside to die - I have been somewhere similar. And yes, the next few months or year or so are likely to be incredibly challenging and at times very painful. Let's not sugar coat it. You are in a hole and it is going to be a lot of work to get out and get back on track. But you can, and you will.
advice  life 
16 days ago
Talking Tech With Pulitzer Prize Nominee Michael Robinson - U.S. Global Investors
Every time I left a Silicon Valley presentation on some new tech, I would think: "That's really cool, but how can you make money off of it?" So even though I consider myself a technologist, I'm always looking at the financial angle.
moneymappress  michaelrobinson 
18 days ago
Opinion | Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Understands Democracy Better Than Republicans Do - The New York Times
As John Adams wrote in an 1814 letter to the Virginia politician John Taylor: “Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts and murders itself. There never was a Democracy Yet, that did not commit suicide.”

But there’s a problem. For the founders, “democracy” did not mean majority rule in a system of representation. The men who led the revolution and devised the Constitution were immersed in classical literature and political theory. Ancient Greece, in particular, was a cautionary tale. When James Madison critiqued “democracy” in Federalist No. 10, he meant the Athenian sort: “a society consisting of a small number of citizens, who assemble and administer the government in person.” This he contrasted with a “republic” or “a government in which the scheme of representation takes place.” Likewise, in a 1788 speech to the New York ratification convention, Alexander Hamilton disavowed “the ancient democracies in which the people themselves deliberated.” They “never possessed one good feature of government,” he said. “Their very character was tyranny; their figure deformity.”

In more modern terms, the founders feared “direct democracy” and accounted for its dangers with a system of “representative democracy.” Yes, this “republic” had counter-majoritarian aspects, like equal representation of states in the Senate, the presidential veto and the Supreme Court. But it was not designed for minority rule.
nytimes  america  history  politics 
26 days ago
What's Wrong With Multi-Level Marketing?
With MLMs, the situation is much worse. Nobody is home. Even the Soviets had someone thinking about how much was enough! If the bureaucrat in Russia was having a hard time trying to play Adam Smith's "invisible hand" in setting the supply level in the Soviet Union, then an MLM "executive" is in a truly unfortunate position. Not only is there no one assigned to make the decision of how much is enough, the MLM is set up by design to blindly go past the saturation point and keep on going. It will grow till it collapses under its own weight, without even a bureaucrat noticing.

MLM is like a train with no brakes and no engineer headed full-throttle towards a terminal.

Chernobyl had a control system that failed. MLMs have no control mechanisms at all.
mlm  scammers 
26 days ago
RR: Reliv Now/Email | Copy Chief
You deserve a better product that will pay you well.
Mlm's are quicksand for copywriters for many reasons.

Gary Halbert wrote about it years ago:

Here's a decent page that goes into mlm structures and why they have so many challenges if you want.

Picking the right client, offer and audience are the most vital parts of copywriting.
And they happen before the first word is written.

I would walk away from this.
robertgibson  mlm  garyhalbert  copychief 
26 days ago
My [19F] friend [18F] confessed to me. What should I do? : relationships
This person gives really, really articulate advice


Part of being an adult is dealing with sadness and disappointment. I'm a lot older than you, and you know what? Sad things happen in life. Sometimes we lose jobs we really, really loved. Sometimes someone breaks up with us unexpectedly and it tears our heart to pieces. Sometimes a pet dies and we're super sad for a long time. Sometimes we just have a bad day where things don't go right and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Sad things happen to everyone in life.

Your friend is a grown adult, and she's going to have to learn how to be sad. Sometimes there's no fixing it, there's no amount of soothing that will help, you just have to sit in your sadness for a while, maybe even a few days, and that's that.

You are making a mistake of thinking that you're responsible for your friend's feelings. You're making the mistake of thinking of your friend as a fragile little child who shouldn't have to put up with any adult sadness in their life, because you want to protect them from anything sad.

I'm guessing you know that your friend spins out when they have to deal with sadness, and you don't want to deal with the fallout. Again, part of being an adult is setting boundaries, maybe recommending your friend see a therapist, or another professional to help them through their sadness, because this is not a sadness you can help with.

I used to be the person who wanted to fix everyone's problems for them, and now I understand that sometimes you just have to let someone be sad for a while. It sucks, and they will get through it, and that's okay. You're not a bad friend for not managing someone else's emotions for them.

What's your alternative? If you really want to soothe your friend and make her feel better, well, just be gay, and get in a relationship with her, and give her all the love she thinks she needs, and do everything she says, so she'll never be sad again.

If that's not going to happen, then nothing you could say or do will soothe your friend. She has an unrequited crush, like millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people all throughout history, and she will get over it, just like millions and millions and millions of people all throughout history have done. This isn't something you can fix. Tell her you're flattered but you're not gay, and you're willing to be her friend, or give her space if she needs it.
advice  life  sad  grit 
26 days ago
The Trump economy: A chaotic response from a contradictory president - The Washington Post
“In the last couple of weeks, when the market dipped down, it did strike an amount of fear within the White House,” a White House official said. “There’s been a sense going into 2020 that we can bounce back from virtually everything if the economy stays strong.”

Bad economic news continued. On Monday night, news outlets reported that U.S. Steel could be temporarily laying off up to 200 workers at a Michigan facility. Trump had claimed that his trade policies had revived U.S. Steel around the country, but the company was confronted with lower steel prices and weaker demand than expected.
trump  election  economics  manufacturing 
27 days ago
Opinion | Is Trump Risking Re-election Really the Only Step Too Far? - The New York Times
At The Atlantic, James Fallows wrote, “These are episodes of what would be called outright lunacy, if they occurred in any other setting.” J.W. Verret, a former Trump transition staffer, declared of Mr. Trump’s behavior: “It’s growing worse and worse. I can’t explain it.” The president’s behavior has reportedly alarmed even those sympathetic to him: Peter Baker reported in The Times that his aides and allies have “privately expressed concern that he was hurting the economy and was doing lasting damage to his own prospects for re-election.”

That said, it is always telling what particular outbursts from the president move White House staffers and congressional Republicans to raise their anonymous “alarm” with the press. The prospect of an increasingly wobbly economy and supposedly reduced re-election odds is apparently enough to do this. The president’s anti-Semitism and his casual disregard for the dignity and self-determination of the people of Greenland don’t rise to that level. The prophet of the Trump administration remains the president’s former economic adviser Gary Cohn, who considered leaving his post after Charlottesville but stuck it out and resigned only when Mr. Trump had done something truly unforgivable — levy tariffs. The economy, it seems, is a dealbreaker; hatred and racism aren’t.
trump  nytimes 
27 days ago
Opinion | The American Economy Is Creating a National Identity Crisis - The New York Times
Since the 1980s, American economic policy has insisted on the central importance of two things: cheaper prices for consumers and maximum returns for corporate shareholders. There is some logic to this: We all buy things, after all, and more than 50 percent of Americans own at least some stock.

But these priorities also generate an internal conflict, for they neglect, repress and even enslave our other selves: our identities as employees, producers, family members, citizens. And in recent years — as jobs become increasingly unpleasant and unstable, as smaller towns and regional economies are gutted, as essential industries like the pharmaceutical and telecommunications sectors engage in outlandish profiteering, and above all, as economic inequality becomes the trademark of our nation — the conflict seems to have reached a breaking point.
nytimes  america  culture  jobs  economics 
27 days ago
The Sisters Who First Tried to Take Down Jeffrey Epstein - The New York Times
Two things stand out to me in this article beyond the repugnant acts of Epstein and Maxwell.

One is the guilt Maria feels about not being able to stop this monster, though no guilt is owed to her. It is clear she did everything one reasonably could could to bring Epstein to justice. Guilt is owed to many in this story, but none to Maria. Two is the fact that she gave up her career in the face of the related threats and trauma.

The more that stories like this have surfaced to the public, the more this common pattern emerges: women’s creative lives cut short and women carrying the burden of guilt that does not belong to them, but instead belongs to their victimizer and the patriarchal institutions and the abettors that serve the sexual whim of powerful men at any cost.

To some degree this is the history of the world and the relationship between the men and women in it. I hope we are getting better, but I have low faith as I have yet to see an institutional or legal mechanism added to the mix that will prevent this in the future. It’s clear that for these brutal and self-serving men that shame alone will not stop them.
nytimes  epstein  trump  rape  crime  metoo 
27 days ago
Opinion | My Final Break With the Trump State Department - The New York Times
But the one thing that united almost every visa applicant I ever saw was the belief that life was going to be better in America. What a rude surprise, then, for them to face elected national leadership that targets them in such gruesome ways.

...In “The Line Becomes a River,” Francisco Cantú reflects on his four years working as a Border Patrol agent, highlighting that the naïveté of the young and idealistic causes us “to overestimate ourselves and underestimate institutions of power, allowing us to believe that we might work to change them from within, that by witnessing the violence they perpetrate, we might learn to subvert it without participating it in ourselves.” Does dissent relieve you from moral culpability? Do the countless good things you do in your job outweigh telling a 14-year-old victim of sexual violence that her path to refugee status, wide open on Jan. 19, 2017, is now closed?
nytimes  america  immigration  trump 
27 days ago
Wealthy nations won’t be spared economic climate impacts, new study finds – ThinkProgress
But the study also offers a silver lining. The researchers mapped out a scenario in which the world “gets its act together” and adheres to the Paris Agreement. That pact seeks to keep the world from passing 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit (2 degrees Celsius) of global warming over preindustrial temperatures.

In the more optimistic scenario, global GDP loss could be limited to around 1.1%, the NBER study finds. The United States would see its GDP shrink less than 2%, as would Canada. Mohaddes pointed to that outcome as far more preferable and argued that meeting the Paris Agreement’s goals is a “good start” if affluent nations want to avoid economic crisis.
27 days ago
Trump suggests 'nuking hurricanes' to stop them hitting America – report | US news | The Guardian
Donald Trump has reportedly suggested on more than one occasion that the US military should bomb hurricanes in order to disrupt them before they make landfall.

According to US news website Axios, the US president said in a meeting with top national security and homeland security officials about the threat of hurricanes: “I got it. I got it. Why don’t we nuke them?”

“They start forming off the coast of Africa, as they’re moving across the Atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane and it disrupts it. Why can’t we do that?”

Quoting unnamed sources who were present at the meeting, Axios report that the response from one official was “We’ll look into this.”
trump  wtf  funny  guardian 
27 days ago
Police Dog saved the day : JusticeServed
At that point, you can either go to prison, or go to the hospital and then go to prison. You're not going to outrun any German Shepherd, and chasing and biting people is literally this specific dog's favorite thing. Motherfucker loves to bite people. He's probably spent most of his life, since he was a puppy, being trained to chase and bite motherfuckers. This shit is like the Super Bowl and Grad night all rolled together for him.

And you, with your stumpy little human legs, overabundance of slow twitch muscle fibers, and soft, delicate skin, are going to try to run from this 80 lb mass of muscle and enthusiasm with a bear trap on the end? Good luck, you stupid, stupid asshole. I'll see you in the Timothy Treadwell Memorial Ward for People Who Predictably Had Their Shit Ruined by Large Predators. Shine on, you idiotic diamond.
funny  animals  writing 
28 days ago
Hello, it’s your friendly neighborhood immigration attorney back again to provide you with everything you need the next time someone starts trying to tell you about how their family came “the right way” and anyone who wants to do it like their ancestors did should “get in line.” (TL;dr: there’s a really good chance that at least some portion of your family came to the U.S. without a visa, and the “right way” from 1790–1965 has nothing to do with how things are done now.)
immigration  history  america  politics  legal 
28 days ago
(Update) I (19M) accidentally came while my friend (19F) was sitting in my lap. : relationship_advice
Hilariously savage comments. I like this one:

"Not sure if this has been brought up, but the "hoe" comment struck me off guard here. It is not a problem for girls to enjoy sex. She would not be a "hoe" if she slept with another guy or other guys.

Edit: I see it has been brought up several times, but I'm leaving my comment here. Consenting adults are allowed to have sex. You are allowed to want a partner who has had no/few partners, but you shouldn't think less of them for it.

Edit 2: Being a child is not a free pass for sexism."
sex  boundaries  misogyny 
29 days ago
[OC] My Tinder experience as a 24F living in Scandinavia : dataisbeautiful
"How can you determine deep connection potential with a few photos and a "bio" of less than 400 characters?"

Everything wrong with online dating in 1 sentence.
29 days ago
WIBTA If I call my ex-soon-to-be-mother-in-law and tell her that her actions and behind the scenes "coaching" of my ex-fiance are why the wedding didn't happen? : AmItheAsshole
People think they always have to get the last word. My life became much more peaceful once I realized that you can get the last word without ever having to respond again. If you don't respond it puts a period to the discussion.

In situations like this, I always ask people, "what do you want?" vs "what are you likely to get?"


The reason why it's better to burn it than to send it is because, in sending it, there will absolutely be some expectation of impact. Some hope that these words get through to his mom and she had some kind of moment of self-awareness. And, in that hope, OP puts her closure into the hands of the person who is the least likely to give it to her. Her ex's mom is a narcissist, she is irrational, emotional, erratic. She will not hear reason. She will not experience a revelation because of some email/letter sent from her almost daughter-in-law. she has always been this way and always will be. If she ever experiences some moment of clarity, it will be of her own doing, not because of anything that anyone says to her. It is a fantasy out of a movie to think that a powerful speech would be enough to get through. She is the perfect example of why we can't and never should seek closure from abusive people. They just can't give it. They're the people you desperately want to see reason the most because of the very fact that they can't.

Closure is something we can only find within ourselves. So I agree completely that OP should write that letter and then burn it up and try to move on once and for all.
closure  communication 
4 weeks ago
Letter from a trapped coal miner says goodbye to his wife, 1902 : pics
remember this thought when people argue against govt regulations

govt regulations are written in worker's blood
unions  politics  jobs 
4 weeks ago
MIL gets what she always wanted... but not the way she wanted it : JUSTNOMIL
Refer to this the next time anyone feeds me excuses about family and culture. I can't get over how fucking amazing this is.


She started talking about "but in your culture parents always come first!!" and the girl has the courage to say "Thats why I left".


His girlfriend though... She just said in such calm but threatening manner to her "stop". This single word. Then, completely ignoring her, she turned to her boyfriend and asked him " Is this the way she talks to you?"

At this point, everybody is shocked speechless, except her. She starts talking about how ungrateful he is, and HIS GIRLFRIEND JUST LIFTS HER PALMS UP, like "stop". Im appalled. She asks her boyfriend again "Do you want to leave?", he says yes.

MiL is screaming at this point, but to that girl its no big deal (Im absolutely terrified of my MiL screaming). Everybody stays by the table while they stand up and start to leave, MiL also stands up and screams at them.

But that girl act like MiL doesn't even exist, her boyfriend is visibly scared but happy to go. They say goodbye to us and leave through the door in the fence while screaming MiL shield the main door with her body thinking they will go through that door.
badass  abuse  boundaries 
4 weeks ago
Where Are They Now? -
Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert had a conversation about this recently, and it is worth watching. They each lost their father at a young age, and Colbert lost two brothers at the same time. What was beautiful was that they agree that suffering is what makes us more human, and better able to understand and feel compassion for others. So the hard times suck loudly, and for a long time, but in the end we emerge wiser and more empathetic. And more appreciative of the beauty and fleeting nature of life. In short, we learn to live a deeper and more meaningful life. Which is a blessing.
chumplady  closure  life 
4 weeks ago
Robert Maguire's answer to In business, have you ever deliberately dressed down for a negotiation in the hope that the other party would underestimate you? - Quora
"My secretary was a lady with class. She dressed for work as though she were going to a dinner function with the Queen. Elegant, resourceful and smart as a whip. She kept me in line (I had to make my own coffee).

Whenever we were negotiating a take-over, she’d sit at the head of the table. I was there to ‘advise’ her and make suggestions and pass notes.

Before the meeting, we’d go over everything, I’d give her my bottom line, points to raise, points to avoid.

We never met with the heads of the target company at our office until it was time to strike a deal, so they never saw her until D-day.

Most times, the other side never knew what hit them.

In strolls Barbra with me in tow carrying all the files, getting her all set up, bringing her a coffee, lining up all the paperwork, and then sitting on her right at the table with my notepad.

The silence in the room was usually deafening.

It wasn’t until the deal was made (or cancelled) and the initial paperwork (letters of intent and so on) that it became clear that she wasn’t REALLY running the show. The looks as the papers were put in front of me for signature were priceless… absolutely priceless.

The ‘CEO’ mentality is such that they seldom expect to be dealing with a woman at the head of the table. They are prepared to browbeat a guy, but when faced with a very astute and intelligent and articulate lady, the bluster goes out of them and they haven’t got a ‘plan B’."

Snickering at "weaponizing corporate misogyny."
negotiation  funny  misogyny  business 
4 weeks ago
Why Can’t We Teach Slavery Right in American Schools? - The New York Times
"About 92 percent of students [do] not know that slavery was the [Civil War's] central cause, according to the survey."

“We are committing educational malpractice,” Jeffries told me.

We used “The American Pageant,” a textbook first published in 1956 and now in its 17th edition. It’s a book that, although not failing, was still found to be lacking by the Southern Poverty Law Center’s survey. It graded books based on how they treated 10 different key concepts, such as establishing that slavery was the central cause of the Civil War or explaining that the country’s founding documents are filled with protections for slavery. A modern edition of the book I used received a 60 percent mark, barely adequate.

Thomas A. Bailey, a professor of history at Stanford University, was the textbook’s original author. Bailey was influenced by what is known as the Dunning School, a school of thought arguing that the period of Reconstruction was detrimental to white Southerners and that black people were incapable of participating in democracy. This theory, along with the older “lost cause” ideology, helped to reinforce Jim Crow laws. In the 1970s, David M. Kennedy, a colleague of Bailey’s at Stanford, was brought in to revise the book. “It was clear that the textbook needed to be updated in alignment with current scholarship,” Kennedy said. Now he and a third co-author, Lizabeth Cohen, revisit three or four topics whenever they work on a new edition. He pointed to their efforts to show the impact of slavery on modern anti-black racism.

Tiferet Ani, a social-studies specialist for the public-school system in Montgomery County, Md., is in charge of shaping the curriculum for her colleagues. She recommends using textbooks lightly and teaching students to challenge them.


"Earlier this year, while looking up some information about my grandmother, I stumbled upon her father, my great-grandfather Nap McQueen. There he was in a black-and-white photo, looking straight into the camera, in a long-sleeve shirt, slacks and a hat. He was enslaved as a boy, and he was one of more than 2,300 formerly enslaved people interviewed for the Federal Writers’ Project’s Slave Narratives. He was vivid in his recollection — how he was born in Tennessee and taken to Texas by wagon. His enslaver, he said, “was a good massa,” in part because he allowed McQueen to go fishing and hunting on the weekends, and his enslaver wouldn’t draw blood during whippings."

nytimes  history  education  slavery  america  racism  wtf 
4 weeks ago
How to Turn an iPhone Into a Work-Only Tool - The New York Times
How do New York Times journalists use technology in their jobs and in their personal lives? Conor Dougherty, who covers economics from San Francisco, discussed the tech he’s using.


"The catch is that I have zero social media on my phone. Like a lot of people, I’ve been trying to look at my phone less and to have a better work/life balance. In the past I tried some of those phone monitoring apps but didn’t find them helpful. Instead I hit on what you might call a design solution, which is to curate my phone so that it’s mostly a work tool.

I cover California and the economy and have to read news for work, so the mental bargain I’ve made with myself is that I can use my phone as much or as long as I want — so long as I’m reading books or news. Aside from news, Audible, and service-type things like maps and airline apps, I have nothing on my phone. I even disabled the browser. I find this keeps me mostly sane and mostly productive.

Technology is a hard balance for everyone these days, but it’s especially hard for reporters, who in the pursuit of readers and stories can convince themselves that Twitter wars (“being part of the conversation”) and YouTube holes (“cultural research”) are productive uses of time. My biggest problem with social media is that sometimes I used it for work and sometimes I used it to goof off, and somewhere along the way I lost track of which was which.

Don’t get me wrong: I love wasting time. I just prefer to waste it on things like beer, skateboarding and video games (some of my favorite weekend activities) instead of an argument with someone I’ve never met (and who probably isn’t even who they say they are) on Twitter."


"Plus, most reporters spend a lot of time on social media, and not that many read lots of hyperlocal news. I get a lot of great story ideas just scanning various small papers and trying to put the pieces together and looking for emerging trends."
nytimes  productivity  focus  socialmedia  culture  ideation  research 
4 weeks ago
Bold Women. Scandalized Viewers. It’s ‘Sex and the City,’ Senegal Style. - The New York Times
In the most controversial scene of “Mistress of a Married Man,” a hugely popular new television series in Senegal, the show’s protagonist, Marème, dons a daring magenta pantsuit and heads out for a date with a married man — but not before pointing below her belt.

“This is mine,” she tells her best friend. “I give it to whomever I please.”

In a country where women’s sexuality has often been hidden behind a culture of discretion, Marème’s pronouncement, fans say, was nothing short of rebellion. And it fits into a larger movement by women to assert their independence. The show takes on not just feminine desire, but also rape, mental illness, male power, domestic violence and the jealousies that arise out of polygamy.

It is part of a burst of woman-driven television and film production across Africa in which writers, producers and actors openly assert female sexuality, challenge traditional gender roles and present distinctly African stories to African audiences.
nytimes  women  sex  tv  culture  media  senegal 
4 weeks ago
Many Are Abandoning Facebook. These People Have the Opposite Problem. - The New York Times
I was one of the earliest users of Facebook and perhaps one of the first to cancel my account.

I had been a member for a couple of months, when I got an email from Facebook. It contained a list of people that I should probably "friend". I was amazed at their accuracy regarding my contacts until I realized they had raided my Outlook contact list. That was the end for Facebook for me.

LinkedIn went a step further. They stole my contact information and sent requests in my name asking my contacts to join LinkedIn. LinkedIn is gone now too.

Life is definitely not dull without Facebook.
facebook  privacy  nytimes 
4 weeks ago
Opinion | Without Bees, We Are in Trouble - The New York Times
In the 1960s, when I was studying to become a historian, it became fashionable to talk about the “tragedy of the commons.” What was a commons anyway and, if it existed, why would its disappearance be tragic? This led me to develop my own definition: The commons was quite simply a central place in European villages that drew townspeople together, where animals grazed and communal events occurred. This may have been a historical fantasy, but over the years it sustained me in believing that there were public goods — clean air and water, transportation, protection against crime, old age security, education and health care — that should be supported in the interest of all.

Today, that belief in a common good seems harder to maintain and yet more imperative than ever. The notion that we share a commons frequently gives way to a belief, often supported by government policies, that the private — what I own — is always better than what we share with others. Efforts like the Save the Bees movement have shown promise in bringing people together in pursuit of common goals.
nytimes  urban  germany  culture  relationships  society 
4 weeks ago
Fate of Ancient Canaanites Seen in DNA Analysis: They Survived - The New York Times
There is a story in the Hebrew Bible that tells of God’s call for the annihilation of the Canaanites, a people who lived in what are now Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, Israel and the Palestinian territories thousands of years ago.

“You shall not leave alive anything that breathes,” God said in the passage. “But you shall utterly destroy them.”

But a genetic analysis published on Thursday has found that the ancient population survived that divine call for their extinction, and their descendants live in modern Lebanon.
ancienthistory  archaeology  genocide  genetics  nytimes  bible  religion 
4 weeks ago
A Massacre Frozen in Time: Skeletons in Sweden Reveal Ancient Attack - The New York Times
The grisly remains tell a story of a gruesome sneak attack that was like a scene out of “Game of Thrones.” “People have definitely compared it to the Red Wedding,” Ms. Alfsdotter said.

All of the victims found so far have been male, leading the team to wonder what happened to the women. They know females were at the site because of the presence of babies and women’s jewelry. The team thinks they will either find remains from women in future digs or that the attackers took the women from the site during the raid.

Many questions are unanswered: Who were the attackers? How did they invade the fort? And why did they slaughter the villagers?

The team suspects that the attackers came from a neighboring village on the island and weren’t outsiders or pirates because the coastal city’s defenses, including an oval stone wall that was 13 feet tall, would have protected them from sieges begun by the sea. The archaeologists also surmise that the attackers were driven by politics and power, not mainly by robbery or plundering the village’s riches. Left behind were bronze, silver and gold jewelry, and many millefiori glass beads and Roman coins.

“I think the purpose was to show some other people what happens if you mess with this group,” said Ludvig Papmehl-Dufay, an archaeologist at the Kalmar County Museum and author on the paper. “This was more of a terrorist attack in that sense, the use of massacre as a political tool.”

So how did the attackers get into the heavily fortified village? Dr. Papmehl-Dufay believes it was an inside job. While the village slept, someone most likely opened the gate for the hundred or so assailants. As for why, he guesses it may have been done as retribution.

The team recently found that the people who built the Sandby borg ringfort constructed their village over a cemetery, Dr. Papmehl-Dufay said. He speculated that the attackers may have been angry that the cemetery was demolished and they chose to destroy the fort as payback.

“It’s easy to feel sorry for the deceased and the killed people, but we have no idea what they had been doing,” Dr. Papmehl-Dufay said. “This could be revenge for something.”
nytimes  vikings  ancienthistory  women  crime  archaeology  storytelling 
4 weeks ago
A Common Trait Among Mass Killers: Hatred Toward Women - The New York Times
"The motivations of men who commit mass shootings are often muddled, complex or unknown. But one common thread that connects many of them — other than access to powerful firearms — is a history of hating women, assaulting wives, girlfriends and female family members, or sharing misogynistic views online, researchers say."

In other news, water is wet.


“Most mass shootings are rooted in domestic violence,” Ms. Watts said. “Most mass shooters have a history of domestic or family violence in their background. It’s an important red flag.”

The plagues of domestic violence and mass shootings in the United States are closely intertwined. The University of Texas tower massacre in 1966, generally considered to be the beginning of the era of modern mass shootings in America, began with the gunman killing his mother and wife the night before.


“They’re angry and they’re suicidal and they’ve had traumatic childhoods and these hard lives, and they get to a point and they find something or someone to blame,” said Jillian Peterson, a psychologist and a founder of the Violence Project, a research organization that studies mass shootings. “For some people, that is women, and we are seeing that kind of take off.”

David Futrelle, a journalist who for years has tracked incel websites and other misogynistic online subcultures on a blog called “We Hunted the Mammoth,” described incel websites as a kind of echo chamber of despair, where anyone who says anything remotely hopeful quickly gets ostracized."

See: crabs in a bucket and Issendai sick systems.


"Psychiatrists, however, say that the attention on mental health generated by mass shootings, and the common argument that mental illness is the explanation for these massacres, cannot explain the link between misogyny and mass shootings. Misogyny — or other types of hatred — is not necessarily a diagnosable mental illness.

Instead, said Amy Barnhorst, the vice chair of community psychiatry at the University of California, Davis, who has studied mass shootings, what ties together many of the perpetrators is “this entitlement, this envy of others, this feeling that they deserve something that the world is not giving them. And they are angry at others that they see are getting it.”"
nytimes  misogyny  crime  cults  narcissism 
4 weeks ago
The Great Student-Loan Scam - WSJ
"Some economists are predicting a recession in the next year, but the New York Federal Reserve’s quarterly household debt survey last week showed few portents. What it did show is that more Americans are defaulting on their student loans, and that government budget gnomes have vastly underestimated the future taxpayer charge.

Defaults have fallen for most forms of consumer debt as the economic expansion continues. Mortgage delinquencies last quarter hit a historic low. But severely delinquent student loans have soared since 2012 and are now 35% of “severe derogatories”—more than credit cards (23%), auto loans (21%) and mortgages (11%)."

Holy shit.
wsj  debt  education  wtf 
4 weeks ago
Employers Try New Language to Lure Job Seekers - WSJ
The Chicago startup Rise Science wanted to fill an open position recently, so it did something unconventional: It published a job posting as a 1,600-word letter from the company’s CEO.

The missive, “A letter to our future design lead,” begins with a line rarely seen in a traditional career ad: “This role isn’t for everyone.” It then describes what the company does, how the job may shift over time and even why an applicant may dislike the position.

“We don’t have all the answers,” says the letter, written by Rise’s chief executive, Jeff Kahn. “If you’re not comfortable iterating on the same problem space for a long time you won’t enjoy this.”

Also, "has an eye for talent and a nose for bullshit." LOL

"The tone of listings also matters. Expedia found that ads written with gender neutral language attract higher-quality candidates and fill five days faster, Mr. Bader says. Another company found that when it emphasized its desire for candidates to possess a love of learning and analytical skills, more women applied, says Textio’s Ms. Snyder."

hiring  funny  wsj  language 
4 weeks ago
(4) Intro to the imaginary numbers (video) | Khan Academy
4. When you think of 'i²', know that i² is ALWAYS valued at -1.
5. When someone tells you about imaginary numbers and 'i', the first thing you should remember is that i² is -1.

The above concepts should be all you need to remember for this video.

(And just to be clear, 'i' is especially useful in calculations due to its cyclical nature. What this means is that with every increased exponent, the value of 'i'- will cycle between -1, -i, 1, and i.
math  precalculus  khanacademy 
4 weeks ago
Does economics require calculus? - Quora
Any economics class beyond the undergraduate level principles' class will require some amount of Calculus. ... If you want to go to do graduate study in economics or finance, calculus (along with a fair amount of other branches of Maths and Stats) is a must.
economics  math  statistics 
4 weeks ago
Math 1A - Harvard (prereq for Economics)
Mathematics 1A
Introduction to Calculus (123680)
Oliver Knill
2020 Spring (4 Credits) Schedule: MWF 1030 AM - 1145 AM
Instructor Permissions: None Enrollment Cap: n/a

The development of calculus by Newton and Leibniz ranks among the greatest achievements of the past millennium. This course will help you see why by introducing: how differential calculus treats rates of change; how integral calculus treats accumulation; and how the fundamental theorem of calculus links the two. These ideas will be applied to problems from many other disciplines.

Course Notes: In the fall, Math 1a is taught in sections of 20-30 students. In the spring, Math 1a is taught in a larger lecture format. Participation in a weekly 90-minute workshop is required. Mathematics Ma and Mb together cover all of the material in Mathematics 1a (and more).

Class Notes: Spring Section Time: MWF 10:30 and a weekly lab section to be arranged.

Recommended Prep: A solid background in precalculus.
harvard  math  economics 
4 weeks ago
Concentration Requirements | Department of Economics
-Math 1a
This requirement applies to the Fall 2010 entering class onwards. 
Can be satisfied by placing into Math 1b or higher on the Harvard Math Placement Exam or by scoring 5 on the AP Calculus exam (AB or BC). Students who place out of Math 1a do not need to replace this with another course.

-Ec 10a and Ec 10b (Principles of Micro and Macro)
Can be satisfied by scoring 5 on the microeconomics (Ec 10a) and/or macroeconomics (Ec 10b) AP exams.

-Concentrators who place out of Ec 10a or Ec 10b must replace each course with an additional economics elective.

-Stat 100, Stat 104, Stat 109, Stat 110, Applied Math 101, or Math 154
Only one of Statistics 100, 104, 110/Applied Math 101/Math 154 can count towards a student's Economics concentration requirements (or secondary field).

-Ec 1010a/1011a and Ec 1010b/1011b (Intermediate Micro and Macro Theory)

Concentrators who take their first intermediate theory course Fall 2014 or later must receive a B- or higher in both 1010a/1011a and 1010b/1011b.  Those who have already taken at least one of their intermediate theory courses before Fall 2014 must receive an average B-/C+ or above for the two courses.

Concentrators who do not meet these requirements must take Ec 975a or Ec 975b or an economics elective that has 1010a/1011a or 1010b/1011b as a prerequisite.

-Ec 970 (Sophomore Tutorial)

-Ec 1123 or 1126 (Econometrics)

None of the above may be taken Pass/Fail.

Three additional economics courses

-One course must have a writing requirement.

-One course must have intermediate theory (Ec 1010 or Ec 1011) as a prerequisite.

-A course may satisfy both a writing requirement and a theory prerequisite requirement; however a total of three economics courses must still be taken.

-Up to two electives (except those used for the writing requirement) can be taken P/F with professor permission.
harvard  economics  education 
4 weeks ago
The Trump economy vs. the Obama economy in 15 charts - The Washington Post
7. Manufacturing. Trump campaigned heavily on reviving blue-collar industries and jobs. While service-sector jobs in health care, technology and hospitality rebounded quickly after the Great Recession, manufacturing did not. Trump’s tax cuts helped boost manufacturing in 2018 (blue-collar job growth hit the fastest pace since the early 1980s), but the president’s tariffs have since taken a toll, sending manufacturing into a “technical recession” in 2019.
tariffs  manufacturing  trump  america  employment  economics 
4 weeks ago
Five years ago ISIS tried to wipe out the Yazidis. Have we forgotten them? | America Magazine
Not far from Sharya, where most Yazidis still live in tents and other makeshift shelters, Christian villages are being rebuilt and some Christian families, those who dare, have been restored to their homes and communities in Nineveh. But the Yazidi people are a small ethnic and religious minority. Their global network is small, their resources limited and the political influence they wield negligible.
yazidi  genocide 
4 weeks ago
Opinion | How Much Damage Have Republicans Done in the States? - The New York Times
The US needs a real sharp attitude adjustment, in the direction of the recognition of social interdependence and away from rugged individualism. In most of the rest of the civilized world, it is recognized that progressive taxation is the price you pay for that civilization.
america  taxes  nytimes  culture 
4 weeks ago
The ‘Overqualified’ Trap Can Hit You at Any Time - WSJ
The managers were more likely to make an offer to the candidate with the less impressive record, according to a study published in March and co-led by Dr. Hahl, Roman Galperin, an associate professor of management at Johns Hopkins University, and Adina Sterling, an associate professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University. The managers assumed the candidate with the stellar résumé wouldn’t be as committed to the company or stick with the job as long as the other applicant, the researchers found.

The hiring managers also assumed the star candidate wouldn’t be as motivated to do well, the study showed. And bosses might feel threatened by him, fearing he wouldn’t listen to them or might even take their job, Dr. Hahl says.

An Ivy League degree can confer major career advantages, and some firms prefer to hire only grads from schools they consider blue-chip. But other employers have a surprising bias against candidates from elite schools. “Some managers want applicants who went to a second-tier M.B.A. program, worked while they were in school, got straight As and were scrappy,” says executive coach Julie Kantor in New York. “For them, it’s about looking under the hood.”


Lorraine Vargas Townsend held senior human-resources leadership posts at several companies ranging from 5,000 to 150,000 employees before deciding last year to take some time off with her wife and baby. A recruiter soon approached her about an opening at a 600-employee company, saying, “I have this job, but it’s too small for you,” Ms. Townsend says.

She was excited about the opening, however—a senior position at a Boston-based tech company. The company provides a platform for building the kind of apps Ms. Townsend wished she’d had on previous jobs, to automate basic human-resources tasks, and she was eager to help identify needs its technology could meet. She soon signed on as chief people officer and loves the work.

“You have to have a compelling reason why the needs of this business and this job are right for you, and about what you can bring to the role,” she says.
wsj  hiring  wtf 
4 weeks ago
What's the nicest way to tell someone to F off? : AskReddit
One of my clients, a 5 year old girl in OT, was trying to play a game that another child in the group session was leading. The other kid was making confusing rules and yelling at her when she got it wrong. She finally said very cool and collected "I don't think this game is worth all the confusion". It was the most eloquent and polite "fuck you and your stupid game" I've ever seen.
funny  kids  badass 
4 weeks ago
Threw a party last night, walked in on creeps talking about me : TwoXChromosomes
I had a friend who came to own a large house in our home city in his early twenties. He threw these huge house parties, with the coolest, most interesting, nicest people you could meet. Some people came from states away to come to his parties. It was unreal.

I once asked him how he managed the impressive guest list. He told me it was about not inviting assholes, and not letting them come. He said, " remember when I invited you, you asked if [ jerk former mutual friend] was coming? 20 people here asked that. And none of you would have come if I had said yes. So I didn't invite her. Because if you invite one asshole, 20 good people will avoid them."

He's one of the safest, most reliable friends I have.
relationships  boundaries 
4 weeks ago
Chole Scapelli's answer to Have you ever encountered a lawyer who was so good that your jaw dropped? - Quora
Marjorie at this point jumped up and started screaming about how important she is and I'm just white trash, when Mark stood up, looked down at her (he's 6'9) and said, “Lady, you might have convinced this prosecutor that you're somebody special, but I have in my briefcase a filing, ready to go to the state board, along with all the evidence from this case, as well as sworn observations about your general behavior from your fellow psychologists and some of your neighbors. You will never be able to work again once I'm through with you, so I suggest that you sit the fuck down and admit that you lied and that you beat this ‘white trash girl’ for no goddamn reason.” Then he turns to the prosecutor and says, “How dare you assume that someone is guilty because they're not from this shitty town? What does that prove, or are you just bored and lazy?”

Marjorie had to pay for all of the damage done to my car, as well as the ambulance service, medical costs relating to everything that she did to me, as well as the damage she did to the chair in the restaurant. All of my charges were dropped and expunged.

Flash-forward a few years when I was at a luncheon with my mom when we ran into a friend of hers who is also a child psychologist for another district. My mom mentioned my case, and the woman said, “We've all been waiting for that bitch to get knocked down a few pegs for years! She's a nightmare to deal with, but she did lose her job shortly after your case was resolved.” The district didn't want to have to pay out a small fortune if and when this woman blew her top again, so they forced her into early retirement.
badass  legal 
5 weeks ago
Siana Campbell's answer to Have you ever lost any respect for someone instantly? - Quora
This entire answer, from start to finish, is a masterclass on self-respect and dealing with dangerous people.


Some comments suggested I should have addressed it with him. In that kitchen, I realized I was dealing with an irrational individual with a maladaptive tendency, and as someone speaking up for my approach stated, I instinctively knew he would have deflected blame, or made a earnest attempt to justify himself. From the moment he brushed the child aside, my actions became very pronounced and deliberate, leading right up until his sister & nephew left. I behaved toward the child in sharp contrast to his behavior, and I could see that he picked up on it. This was my way of addressing it. In an attempt to save face, as mentioned, he started behaving like a considerate uncle once his sister arrived, and looked over at me every once in a while hoping to avert judgment. Again, my actions spoke louder than any admonishing could have accomplished. In my actions, I shamed him. My actions served as a verdict of his crime. Speaking of such, the sharp contrast between how he treated me vs the child spooked the hell out of me. He became a different person. This is how abused women describe their partners. This is how forensic experts describe pathological behaviors. There are certain acts that reveal much more about a person than them just "having a bad day". We are talking about a child. A child. A hungry child. A vulnerable child. A gentle bright-eyed child. A child sitting alone in a living room in front of a flat screen TV that wasn't even turned on for him. Made to sit still & hungry for 2 hours. As one commentor noted, sociopathy whispered in my ear that evening and hell, I listened. So, even in hindsight and considering all perspectives, my decision stands.

Some comments suggested I should have told the mother. When she arrived, she was very friendly and mentioned some stuff he told her about me. We walked over to the couch chatting amicably and when she saw the empty plate of food in front of her son -who sprang up and hugged her- she asked "you had something to eat?" and he told her that I made him a sandwich. Here's the thing...Before she looked at me and said thank you, she looked at my beau and for a second, there was a flash of validated reproach in her eyes. He looked away. In that instant I knew that this side of him was known to others. That response added weight to my concern that he had a tyrannical side those closest to him were likely familiar with. I was even a little more disturbed because that glance lead me to believe that she would not at all have been shocked should I have shared his behavior with her. Family dynamics are sometimes what they are, and I got a sense that I wanted no part of it.

Lastly, some comments suggested I was hasty in breaking things off so soon after. I waited a couple of days before creating distance between us because I earnestly expected -and hoped- an ensuing conversation would begin with "I want to apologize/explain/talk to you about what happened the other night" or "About the other night, I'm a little ashamed of myself and wanted to address it since I saw how uncomfortable it made you." Something demonstrating reflection and self-awareness. I needed to see that he had the courage to face his faults, admit wrongdoing when so egregiously evident, just something! I needed to see him exercise humility and initiate the conversation, rather than wait for me to confront him. We spoke twice after that, and it was the elephant on the phone. Even with my manner being more reserved than usual, there was zero mention on his part. I even attempted to prompt discussion by mentioning that it was nice meeting his sister and nephew. He just said "Cool...Cool." Sorry, not sorry. Huge red flag in my book. I've learned from past experiences that it is most wise to date for an extended period of time for reasons like this. I maintain my autonomy while dating so telling him I needed to turn my full attention to my workload required no further explanation. I date in a manner that leaves no confusion as to the status of the relationship, so though we had started to see each other more often, stating that my priorities had shifted was sufficient. We hadn't advanced to "couple" status, so while feelings were involved , it didn't constitute a "break up".

Be smart out there.

FINAL UPDATE: Much continued discussion, but I must now exit stage left. I will leave a quote I read a long time ago that has since stayed with me. I believe I discovered it while reading an article about the difficulty people experience overcoming drug addiction, but found it applicable to many different situations. Domestic abuse, and the signals leading up to it, is just one of them. I have an overall above-average tolerance for risk, but have learned the hard way where to draw the line. The quote: "It is easier to stay out than get out." -Mark Twain
boundaries  communication  dating  narcissism  wtf  darthvaderboyfriend  mastery 
5 weeks ago
What the FTC's Crackdown on Facebook Means for User Data
Facebook must pay a $5B fine after the FTC found the social media company deceived users and improperly managed their personal data. Under settlement, FB is also subject to stricter oversight on how it manages user data. WSJ explains what that means for users including:

-3rd party apps will have a harder time getting your data.

-FB will need your active consent to keep your facial recognition data.

-FB can't use your phone number for its advertising business without your consent. (They used this to sell ads.)

-FB must quickly notify authorities when data has been compromised.
wsj  facebook  ftc  privacy  cybersecurity  ethics  data 
5 weeks ago
Renewed Life and Joy After Tragedy - The New York Times
Ms. Soltero sees herself as a young soul. “A lot of my life stopped at 26 when Wendy died,” she said. “My growing up got stunted in a way, so I lost some time. A lot of my life now is about capturing youth and energy and vitality.”
nytimes  cute  writing 
5 weeks ago
Gay Penguins, and Their Hope for a Baby, Have Enchanted Berlin - The New York Times
“We are sure they would be good parents because they were so nice to their stone.”
nytimes  cute  animals  funny 
5 weeks ago
From the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency
5g  cybersecurity 
5 weeks ago
How Internet Is Ruining Your Focus And 3 Ways To Rebuild it | livelikepros
Take a step back and look at the big picture of the way you use the internet. Do you see what’s happening?

One minute here, two minutes there, jumping and jumping from task to task, content to content and each jump endures in matters of minutes if not seconds. This multitasking is an inherent product that comes with using the internet and has become a habit that drains and destroys our focus.

This is how our attention span is breaking down. We are rewiring our focus circuits and creating attention spans of trivial length and power.

The more you multitask, the less deliberative you become; the less able to think and reason out a problem. You become more likely to rely on conventional ideas and solutions rather than challenging them with original lines of thought. — Don Tapscott

I would like to end this article with a quote from the Roman poet Horace: Rule your mind, or it will rule you.


-We are what we repeatedly do. Our repeated actions and thoughts become imprinted in our brain in the form of neural circuits.

-After they are formed, we long to keep them active and they operate on their own without asking our repetition.

-Neuroplasticity enables us to make new neural pathways in our brain and bypass the old habits.

-Constant exposure to social media and consuming nugget-sized content repeatedly is fragmenting our focus and attention span.

-With a shattered focus, we cannot concentrate on any subject for a long span of time and we get bored quickly.

-Continuing a couple of minutes more when feeling bored, is like pulling up weights for our focus and makes it stronger over time.

-Meditation is a perfect workout to directly improve concentration and focus.

-With whatever new technology, medium, etc., you get involved, pause a moment and ask yourself: How is it going to change me in the long run …
focus  neuroplasticity  neuroscience  internet  mindset 
5 weeks ago
Why an Heiress Spent Her Fortune Trying to Keep Immigrants Out - The New York Times
This story exemplifies two of the central reasons for the downward spiral of American democracy. The primary driver of wealth concentration and income inequality is that the political influence of someone or group in the US is proportional to their wealth. Wealth buys power and power is frequently used to protect and expand the wealth of those who can control the political system. When great wealth can be inherited without limit, the attached political power becomes entrenched and unassailable Thus, we now have a self-perpetuating system of wealth-driven governance that outlives individuals. For every Warren Buffett, there are many more Cordelia Mays and Koch brothers whose wealth is woven into our political system.

I wonder how much of the world’s misery has been caused or vastly worsened by the desperately lonely and unhappy super-wealthy simply having nothing to do and far, far too much money and idle time with which to do it.
nytimes  america  wealth  racism  immigration  loneliness 
5 weeks ago
American Capitalism Is Brutal. You Can Trace That to the Plantation. - The New York Times
This is a capitalist society. It’s a fatalistic mantra that seems to get repeated to anyone who questions why America can’t be more fair or equal. But around the world, there are many types of capitalist societies, ranging from liberating to exploitative, protective to abusive, democratic to unregulated. When Americans declare that “we live in a capitalist society” — as a real estate mogul told The Miami Herald last year when explaining his feelings about small-business owners being evicted from their Little Haiti storefronts — what they’re often defending is our nation’s peculiarly brutal economy. “Low-road capitalism,” the University of Wisconsin-Madison sociologist Joel Rogers has called it. In a capitalist society that goes low, wages are depressed as businesses compete over the price, not the quality, of goods; so-called unskilled workers are typically incentivized through punishments, not promotions; inequality reigns and poverty spreads. In the United States, the richest 1 percent of Americans own 40 percent of the country’s wealth, while a larger share of working-age people (18-65) live in poverty than in any other nation belonging to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (O.E.C.D.).
nytimes  capitalism  america  slavery 
5 weeks ago
Combat trauma is nothing like in classical antiquity – so why are we still treating it as such?
The 20th-century American soldier, then, faced a near perfect storm of psychological adversity. By contrast, the situation faced by the Greek hoplite, was, in psychological terms, much more benign. The hoplite (whose campaigning season was brief and who did not generally fight at night) was not routinely exhausted or sleep-deprived when he met his enemy. He was socially integrated with and fought in close physical proximity to his comrades, he was able to counter the threats he faced – and when he killed, he acted in accordance with his religious values. In killing he complied with a core principal of traditional morality, which demanded he help his friends and harm his enemies.

In short, the conditions required for PTSD are present in the modern case study but absent in the ancient. And that means PTSD is not universal, it is historically and culturally specific.
trauma  ancienthistory  military  war  culture  medicine 
5 weeks ago
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