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Opinion | Talk Less. Listen More. Here’s How. -
Jan. 9, 2020 | The New York Times |

* By Kate Murphy, is the author of “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.”

Listening can be more valuable than speaking. Wars have been fought, fortunes lost and friendships wrecked for lack of listening. It is only by listening that we engage, understand, empathize, cooperate and develop as human beings. It is fundamental to any successful relationship — personal, professional and political.....The sad truth is that people have more experience being cut off, ignored and misunderstood than heard to their satisfaction.....listening goes beyond simply hearing what people say. It also involves paying attention to how they say it and what they do while they are saying it, in what context, and how what they say resonates within you......It’s not about merely holding your peace while someone else holds forth. Quite the opposite. A lot of listening has to do with how you respond — the degree to which you facilitate the clear expression of another person’s thoughts and, in the process, crystallize your own.......Good listeners ask good questions......anyone can be interesting if you ask the right questions......ask truly curious questions that don’t have the hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing or correcting. Curious questions don’t begin with “Wouldn’t you agree…?” or “Don’t you think…?” and they definitely don’t end with “right?” The idea is to explore the other person’s point of view, not sway it..........Avoid leading questions like, “Do you shop late a night because you didn’t get around to it during the day?” or “Do you shop at night because that’s when they restock the shelves?” Instead, she turned her question into an invitation: “Tell me about the last time you went grocery shopping late at night.” 
In social situations, avoid peppering people with judgmental, personal or appraising questions--questions that rank the other party in a social hierarchy.........Instead, ask about people about their interests. Try to find out what excites or aggravates them — their daily pleasures or what keeps them up at night [JCK: passions??] ..... ..........Because our brains can think a lot faster than people can talk, beware of the tendency to take mental side trips when you should be listening. Smart people are particularly apt to get distracted by their own galloping thoughts. They are also more likely to assume they already know what the other person is going to say..........The reward of good listening will almost certainly be more interesting conversations........it’s human nature to return courtesies .......listening to other people makes it more likely other people will listen to you.........Listening is a skill. And as with any skill, it degrades if you don’t do it enough.......each of us can become a better listener with practice. The more people you listen to, the more aspects of humanity you will recognize, and the better your instincts will be. Listening well can help you understand other people’s attitudes and motivations, which is essential in building cooperative and productive relationships, as well as discerning which relationships you’d be better off avoiding.......listening poorly, selectively or not at all limits your understanding of the world and prevents you from becoming the best you can be.
 books  Communicating_&_Connecting  contextual  conversations  courtesies  dining  family  independent_viewpoints  listening  passions  pay_attention  questions  relationships  skills  smart_people  social_hierarchy  tips 
6 weeks ago by jerryking
David Carr: All the views he's fit to print - The Globe and Mail
JAMES BRADSHAW - MEDIA REPORTER
The Globe and Mail
Published Friday, Dec. 12 2014
The darker chapters of his life are plainly detailed in his 2008 memoir, The Night of the Gun. In its 385 pages, he reports on his descent into an all-consuming cocaine addiction that derailed his journalism career, left him struggling to care for twin daughters born prematurely to a previous partner amid one of many binges, and ultimately sent him to six months of in-patient rehabilitation.....It is mid-August when we meet, and he has recently added an endowed professorship at Boston University to his day job at the Times, and will begin teaching his course – on making and distributing content, dubbed “Press Play” – in just a few weeks....students will be evaluated “as much by what you put in the margins of others’ work as you are for your own.”...Mr. Carr has leaped feet-first into journalism’s evolving digital playground. His chatty Twitter feed ranges from news to life at home and has amassed, at last count, nearly 462,000 followers. He reads long-form stories on Gawker and BuzzFeed.
David_Carr  digital_media  profile  NYT  books  courtesies  addictions  print_journalism  memoirs 
december 2014 by jerryking
The importance of being courteous: Why she is touting it to young women
Jul. 17 2014 | The Globe and Mail | LEAH MCLAREN.

Institutional achievement and politeness should not be mutually exclusive, but both are essential for young people to find fulfilling work and relationships later in life. ...Raising well-behaved children well should be a significant civic duty.

Manners, which an increasing number of parents dismiss as old-fashioned, actually matter more than ever before. As Reardon pointed out in her speech, this is not about “using the right spoon for soup or eating asparagus with your left hand” but the importance of “being polite and respectful and making the people you interact with feel valued.”

Such deep internal values must be impressed upon children from the outside in. When it comes to character we must fake it in childhood to make it as adults. Am I implying that teaching a child to simply say, “Excuse me,” before interrupting can lead to a successful career and a happy marriage later in life? Yes, absolutely.

In the digital era, when kids are communicating through a coded vortex of social media and smartphone screens rather than face to face, it’s especially important for parents to invest time and energy to impart social rules for how to communicate properly with other humans in the flesh....The thing about manners is that they are actually much more time-consuming to instill in your children than, say, teaching them to play the cello or speak fluent Mandarin. That’s because most parents will naturally outsource the latter two skills (unless they happen to be Chinese cellists) whereas good manners require tireless, everyday, hands-on effort. Take “please” and “thank you” – by far the most superficial of all our accepted behavioural etiquette constructs. To teach a child to say these things consistently and without prompting, the average parent must correct that child several dozen times a day from the time they are initially verbal until about 5 or 6. On average, that’s more than 100,000 verbal cues until a child actually gets it. Your pet goldfish learns tricks faster than that. And that’s not even counting the thousands of mandatory apologies, forced thank-you-notes and supervised household chores. Raising a well-mannered kid is a slog, and no babysitter, tutor or fancy private school is going to do it for you
parenting  etiquette  civics  commencement  high_schools  Leah_McLaren  courtesies  civility  students  women  girls  youth  verbal_cues 
july 2014 by jerryking
Here’s my list of the most obnoxious Torontonians - The Globe and Mail
MARCUS GEE
The Globe and Mail
Published Friday, Jun. 13 2014

Amy Alkon, the American author of a new book with the cute title Good Manners for Nice People who Sometimes Say F*ck, says it is inevitable in a busy urban environment.

"We can behave badly when we are around strangers, and we're around strangers almost all the time," "This allows people to do stuff they would never do to a neighbour. The guy that's flipping you the bird in traffic is counting on the fact that he's never going to see you again."

Rude people in cities somehow persuade themselves that all those other people around them simply don't exist – or, at least, don't merit bothering about.

These rude people are self-declared islands in the urban sea, pursuing their self-interest and supremely indifferent to the effects on the rest of us.The road hog cyclist was like that, but there are many others like him.........Most people follow the simple rules of urban etiquette that keep the modern metropolis functioning, even when there is no one around to enforce them.

Most dog owners pick up after their pets with plastic bags, a relatively new practice, simply because it is expected. Most city dwellers who aren't the mayor still experience shame......Amy Alkon is off base. Most of us don't feel we can behave badly around strangers. When that guy rammed me with his bike, everyone getting off the streetcar and passing by on the street knew he was in the wrong. Even as he bombed off through the intersection, I'm sure he felt it. It is that collective judgment that we fear and, by and large, respect.
Marcus_Gee  Toronto  civics  courtesies  etiquette  civility  humility  public_decorum  anonymity 
june 2014 by jerryking
Jeffrey Simpson: Would it hurt our PMs to respect each other? - The Globe and Mail
May. 04 2013 | Globe & Mail | JEFFREY SIMPSON

Those with a taste for Canadian history should read Sir Wilfrid Laurier’s eulogy to Sir John A. Macdonald. Their parties had fought ferociously over big issues, and the partisanship of their day was ubiquitous. But great men seek public occasions to display respect to each other and, in so doing, invite their fellow citizens to respect the institutions of democracy.
Canadian  history  eulogies  Jeffrey_Simpson  civility  partisan_warfare  etiquette  post-partisanship  Jean_Chrétien  Brian_Mulroney  Pierre_Trudeau  courtesies  Sir_John_A._Macdonald  Sir_Wilfred_Laurier  leaders  politicians  nation_builders  Confederation 
may 2013 by jerryking
Crovitz: Is Internet Civility an Oxymoron? - WSJ.com
APRIL 19, 2010 | Wall Street Journal | By L. GORDON
CROVITZ. Unmoderated, anonymous comments on Web sites create more noise
than wisdom. "For those of us tempted to hope that new technology
might improve human nature, the Web has proved a disappointment. The
latest online reality: comment sections so uncivilized and uninformative
that it's clear the free flow of anonymous comments has become way too
much of a good thing."..."The hope was that people would be civil.
Instead, many comment areas have become wastelands of attacks and
insults."...Part of the problem is that people who conceal their names
seem to feel free to say things they never would if their identities
were known. There are obvious cases—dissidents living in authoritarian
countries—where anonymity is needed. But ... message boards dominated by
anonymous comments often become "havens for a level of crudity,
bigotry, meanness and plain nastiness that shocks the tattered remnants
of our propriety."
L._Gordon_Crovtiz  civility  internet  commentators  anonymity  courtesies  incivility  disappointment 
may 2010 by jerryking
Nine hard truths
September 2005 | PROFIT magazine | By Rick Spence. The
immutable laws of being your own boss, and five ways to transcend them
all. 1. the 40-hr. workweek is not your friend. 2. Everyone is looking
for something new. But no one has any money for anything new. 3. All
the people you meet at a networking function are trying to sell you
something; 4. The phone doesn't ring by itself--make your own calls if
you want the phone to ring. 5. At any given time, everyone you want to
contact is in a meeting. 6. Basic courtesy is deader than Sir John A.
Macdonald. No one returns phone calls anymore. 7. Allies are like
employees: hard to find, hard to live without. 8. Opportunities are all
around you, but differentiating between an "opportunity" and a genuine
source of revenue-that's hard. 9. Most of the people you meet at large
corps. dream of working for themselves. KSFs: 1. Know what your market
wants. 2. Get yourself a peer group. 3. Trust in karma. 4. Be brave. 5.
Give it away.
motivations  inspiration  Rick_Spence  rules_of_the_game  ksfs  pay_it_forward  self-employment  owners  entrepreneurship  opportunities  karma  Sir_John_A._Macdonald  revenue_generation  interpretation  second-order  hard_to_find  courtesies  hard_truths  it's_up_to_me 
february 2010 by jerryking
The Rebirth of Civility - WSJ.com
April 12, 2007 op-ed by Daniel Henniger on the merits of a code of conduct for bloggers.
Web_2.0  civility  Daniel_Henninger  courtesies 
january 2009 by jerryking

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