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jerryking : generosity   15

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
MAY 28, 2016 | The New York Times | By ALAIN de BOTTON.

We all fear marrying the wrong person...Partly, it’s because we have many latent problems that emerge when we try to get close to others (we seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”)....The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. ...Our partners are no more self-aware although we make a stab at trying to understand them....we seek a (false) sense that we’ve done our homework. We haven’t.....What matters in the marriage of feeling--romantic love--is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.....we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. ...as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy....We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable.....Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us....We marry to make joyful sensations permanent but fail to see that there is no solid connection between these feelings and the institution of marriage....The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding "romantic love" idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning....swap the Romantic Love view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we're willing to sign up for.

This philosophy of pessimism--thinking tragically--offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person.

Romantic Love has been unhelpful to us; it is a harsh philosophy. It has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should learn to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.
Communicating_&_Connecting  conflict_resolution  disagreements  disappointment  expectations  forgiveness  generosity  grace  humour  imperfections  intimacy  marriage  perspectives  pessimism  relationships  romantic_love  serving_others  thinking_tragically 
may 2016 by jerryking
The three personal development goals successful people pursue habitually - The Globe and Mail
DIXIE GILLASPIE
Entrepreneur.com
Published Saturday, Jan. 24 2015
(1) They spend time getting to know themselves. They know their energy patterns, so they know how much sleep is optimal. They know when they get their best rest they are at their best when they are awake. They know what fuel their body needs, and what kind of exercise it takes to feel the way they want to feel. They know what environments they need to be creative and productive, and they know the difference between those two states.

They know their priorities, too, and they know that all of their decisions must start with the highest level of their vision, mission or purpose.
(2)They spend time improving themselves. Successful people know that to increase their net worth they must increase their personal worth. They’ve mastered the personal SWOTT analysis and they consistently invest in themselves....Successful people read-story books, how-to books, news, industry articles. They read to improve their knowledge, their mind-set, even their mood. Moreover, successful people study--trends in their industry and outside of their industry, things that interest them and, most of all, they study people.
(3) They spend time sharing themselves. Many super successful people are generous with their money and time.
overachievers  self-analysis  self-assessment  personal_energy  self-awareness  generosity  mindsets  self-improvement  habits  think_threes  volunteering  serving_others  high-achieving 
january 2015 by jerryking
The Mental Virtues - NYTimes.com
AUG. 28, 2014| NYT | David Brooks.

Thinking well under a barrage of information may be a different sort of moral challenge than fighting well under a hail of bullets, but it’s a character challenge nonetheless. In their 2007 book, “Intellectual Virtues,” Robert C. Roberts of Baylor University and W. Jay Wood of Wheaton College list some of the cerebral virtues. We can all grade ourselves on how good we are at each of them.

First, there is love of learning.
Second, there is courage. Not just the willingness to hold unpopular views. But the subtler form, which is knowing how much risk to take in jumping to conclusions. Reckless thinkers take scraps of information and leaps to some faraway conspiracy theories. Perfectionists are silenced, except under ideal conditions, for fear of being wrong. Intellectual courage is self-regulation--knowing when to be daring and when to be cautious. And guarding against confirmation bias.

Third, there is firmness. Don’t be the person who surrenders his beliefs at the slightest whiff of opposition. On the other hand, you don’t want to hold dogmatically to a belief against all evidence. The median point between flaccidity and rigidity is the virtue of firmness.

Fourth, there is humility, which is not letting your own desire for status get in the way of accuracy. Fight against vanity and self-importance.

Fifth, there is autonomy. Don’t be a person who slavishly adopts whatever opinion your teacher or some author gives you. On the other hand, don’t reject all guidance from people who know what they are talking about. Autonomy is the median of knowing when to bow to authority and when not to, when to follow a role model and when not to, when to adhere to tradition and when not to.[In this case, autonomy sounds a lot like judgment]

Finally, there is generosity. This virtue starts with the willingness to share knowledge and give others credit. But it also means hearing others as they would like to be heard, looking for what each person has to teach and not looking to triumphantly pounce upon their errors.
David_Brooks  thinking  howto  cognitive_skills  biases  virtues  humility  intellectual_courage  courage  autonomy  resolve  generosity  praise  grace  firmness  confirmation_bias  self-regulation  recklessness  cerebral  perfection  independent_viewpoints  discernment  self-importance  pairs 
august 2014 by jerryking
The Christie’s Auctioneer Jussi Pylkkanen on Working the Room - NYTimes.com
Interview by ANDREW ROSS SORKIN
Published: January 3, 2014

How much do you think the auctioneer affects sale prices?
It’s very difficult to judge, but I think that a good auctioneer can certainly bring 20 percent to the value of major works of art.

Just as Detroit finally seems to be at the beginning of a revival, it faces the prospect of trying be once again be a great city without a great museum. Imagine New York without the Met, or Chicago without the Art Institute. If the DIA is forced down this road, the very collectors mentioned above, from Asia, Russia, and the Middle East, will snap up a collection that has required 128 years and the generosity and foresight of thousands of people to create, and which would likely never be seen in public again.
Andrew_Sorkin  collectors  art  auctions  Christie's  foresight  long-term  museums  far-sightedness  Detroit  generosity 
january 2014 by jerryking
Help yourself by helping others
?? | Globe & Mail | Lynda Taller-Wakter.

* Define your objectives, then find an organization that can help you achieve them. if fund raising is the skill you want to develop, target a bigger organization with canvassing and other related opportunities.
* Don’t dismiss the importance of volunteer work on a résumé.
* Volunteer, even if you don’t think you have the time.
* Volunteer work can build your esteem - an important stepping stone for getting back to work.
* Test your skills in the marketplace as soon as possible.
* Joining the right organizations can raise your profile at work.
* Network wisely
* Develop acumen in a new field. If career is behind your volunteering, supplement it: there are courses in such areas as fund raising and festivals management.
volunteering  Managing_Your_Career  business_acumen  résumés  expertise  job_search  tips  serving_others  networking  generosity 
december 2012 by jerryking
Jacqueline Novogratz of Acumen Fund, on Pairs of Values - NYTimes.com
By ADAM BRYANT
Published: September 29, 2012

Q. Tell me about your approach to leadership.

A. I think we so often equate leadership with being experts — the leader is supposed to come in and fix things. But in this interconnected world we live in now, it’s almost impossible for just one person to do that.

So if we could only have more leaders who would start by just listening, just trying to understand what’s going wrong from the perspective of the people you’re supposed to serve — whether it’s your customers or people for whom you want the world to change.

Leaders can get stuck in groupthink because they’re really not listening, or they’re listening only to what they want to listen to, or they actually think they’re so right that they’re not interested in listening. And that leads to a lot of suboptimal solutions in the world.

The kind of leaders we need — and certainly that I aspire to be — reject ideology, reject trite assumptions, reject the status quo, and are really open to listening to solutions from people who are most impacted by the problems. ...We think about our values in pairs, and there is a tension or a balance between them. We talk about listening and leadership; accountability and generosity; humility and audacity. You’ve got to have the humility to see the world as it is — and in our world, working with poor communities, that’s not easy to do — but have the audacity to know why you are trying to make it be different, to imagine the way it could be. And then the immutable values are respect and integrity.
leadership  Acumen  opposing_actions  organizational_culture  values  social_capital  venture_capital  vc  accountability  generosity  humility  audacity  groupthink  listening  respect  integrity  pairs  tradeoffs  tension  dual-consciousness 
october 2012 by jerryking
New Year's Resolution 2002
1. Resolve to stay brutally optimistic.
2. Resolve to identify the most powerful benefit you offer to the people around you and then deliver it. (See below)
3. Resolve to pump up your personal vitality. How do I retain personal vitality?
[Personal vitality measures overall health in four key areas:
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Purpose – INTERESTING! (I believe that having a sense of individual life purpose is absolutely fundamental to personal happiness and contentment ]
4. Resolve to be habitually generous.
5. Resolve to go on a mental diet.
6. Resolve to be a global citizen, fully open to the cultures and influences of others.
7. Resolve to take control of your destiny.
8. Resolve to increase your human connectedness. Network.
9. Resolve to increase your creativity by letting go of the familiar. If innovation is everything, how do I institutionalize it in my personal life? Innovation ==> change strategy ==> succeed because they are subversive. Be a heretic!!!
10. Resolve to be you because others are already taken.

Practice adding value to things--ideas to make things worth more.
Practice adding value to people--what can I do to help my colleagues become more effective?
Practice adding value to myself--what can I do to make myself more valuable today?
heretical  inspiration  motivations  fitness  indispensable  serving_others  value_creation  resolutions  unconventional_thinking  JCK  affirmations  optimism  authenticity  generosity  Communicating_&_Connecting  subversion  purpose  networking  creative_renewal  personal_energy 
august 2012 by jerryking
Tips for asking better questions
Converse, don't interrogate - distinguishes how to exchange with a mentor vs a peer. Offer my own thoughts as away of encouraging a real conversation. Give intelligence to others as this will nudge them to reciprocate.
Adjust the lens - when trying to make a decision, ask wide questions to identify the criteria to be used (5 W's), ask narrow questions to identify the weight to be assigned to each. Narrow questions invites specific, often factual answers about the specific area of inquiry--and nothing else.
Frame and prime - construct the question in multiple ways for high quality intelligence
Follow up and probe - to gain better intelligence beyond a single question
Reid_Hoffman  tips  LinkedIn  Communicating_&_Connecting  questions  conversations  follow-up_questions  adjustments  generosity  wide-framing  narrow-framing  5_W’s 
march 2012 by jerryking
The secret to polite conversation - The Globe and Mail
SARAH HAMPSON | Columnist profile | E-mail
From Monday's Globe and Mail
Published Sunday, Dec. 11, 2011

That’s the thing about pleasant conversation. It’s a dance of fancy footwork, a minefield of social explosive devices to be avoided, the exact opposite of what the popular culture of confession and narcissistic Facebook commentary suggests is important. A good conversationalist has a feel for nuance; an understanding of grace; an ability to make careful entrees and gentle exits. He is not obsessed with his own status updates. And he’s adept at skilled deflections.

To make for happy party dynamics, you must demure at times, remain silent when necessary, nod, listen, dare to be conventional and find refuse in a discussion about the weather.

Rarely do you need to say exactly how you feel,
conversations  ice-breakers  Communicating_&_Connecting  etiquette  politeness  people_skills  grace  generosity  serving_others  nuanced  socially_graceful 
december 2011 by jerryking
The Generous Marriage
December 8, 2011 | NYT | By TARA PARKER-POPE.

The role of generosity is becoming better understood...Generosity is defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive? [Brains, Beauty, Breeding + Generosity/ (graciousness = of good cheer/humour, forgiveness, and an ability to maintain a sense of proportion )]
relationships  marriage  Tara_Parker-Pope  intimacy  parenting  Communicating_&_Connecting  grace  serving_others  romantic_love  generosity  sense_of_proportion 
december 2011 by jerryking
Experts Offer Their Tips For Fruitful Networking
Jan. 30, 2005 | Wall Street Journal | By Stacey L. Bradford. Here are 10 tips from experts to make your networking fruitful:
1. Prepare an "elevator speech."
2. Use your existing ties.
3. Target trade groups.
4. Show interest in others.
5. Don't ask for a job.
6. Build relationships.
7. Don't be selfish. Remember networking is a two-way street.
8. Don't abuse relationships.
9. Follow through.
10. Maintain your network.
tips  networking  Managing_Your_Career  serving_others  generosity  following_up  reciprocity 
december 2010 by jerryking
Top entrepreneurs talk about how to keep your customers, and find opportunities, in tough economic times
MAY 11, 2009 | Wall Street Journal | 5-person panel discussion
moderated by Gwendolyn Bounds. Wendy questions the group of
entrepreneurs under the theme "What’s the secret of being an
entrepreneur in these hard economic times?"....trying to stand out from the crowd. I think the best one we did, which we launched when it was about six degrees outside, was a marketing campaign that says, what this town could really use right now is a good bowl of chicken soup.

Chicken soup is one of the great comfort foods in every single culture, and we think that we need to be selling comfort right now. And chicken soup also is a way to define the restaurant. .....people are always looking for joy. They’re always looking to be connected. They’re always looking to feel generous. So Danny’s insight, which is so brilliant, is for the cost of a bowl of chicken soup, you get to feel generous. You get to feel connected. You get to feel part of the community. That story is easy to tell because we all have a memory of chicken soup growing up.......Marketing is not this blank check that lets you sell whatever you want. The challenge that we’re facing, as we enter this serious recession, is not how do we stop doing everything. It’s how do we create experiences and stories, interactions, that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money, but create value for everyone concerned.......I think that for an entrepreneur who is interested and passionate about creating something in the technology space, whether it’s a device or a service or a platform, this is an extraordinary time, because there’s an enormous lull in the Fortune 1000 with respect to innovation and new ideation. ........on the equity side, where they don’t have these types of opportunities, we look for innovative companies that actually create a disruption. The simple thing is, if you can offer the environment where we can lower your costs and improve quality, it’s a no-brainer.

But in general, we have to make certain that these entrepreneurs really know the industry, they know the customers, they know the competition and most importantly, they know thyself, they know what they can and cannot do.

So it’s interesting when you play across the capital structure, how you bifurcate this, and I think it all has to do with innovation and creating something that doesn’t exist, that fits a pent-up need.
disruption  self-awareness  Gwendolyn_Bounds  Seth_Godin  Danny_Meyer  entrepreneur  economic_downturn  hard_times  attention  innovation  ideation  ideas  underwriting  geographic_ingredient_branding  Buy_American  craftsmanship  soups  marketing  storytelling  lingerie  intimate_apparel  idea_generation  emotional_connections  small_batch  generosity  joy 
may 2009 by jerryking
Managing: Six ways to be a team player
April 16, 2007 G&M column by Harvey Schachter in which John Szold outlines 6 tips to becoming a team MVP.

Be approachable: When someone asks for help, no matter how trivial the task may seem to you, it's important to him or her. Treat them with respect. Avoid sighing, eye rolling or other negative reactions.

Be responsive: Often, we're so focused on the tasks we need to accomplish that we put off a colleague's request for help. You shouldn't be expected to drop what you're doing, but you should offer a date or time when you can accommodate the request.

Improve your communication skills: Make sure people understand you -- and if you're not sure, ask: "I'm not sure if I said that clearly. What's your understanding?" When listening, make a conscious effort to really "hear" what's being said, rather than simply formulating your response.

Establish and maintain trust: Avoid gossiping. Nothing upsets an office dynamic like anger and distrust.

Share what you know: If you hold back because you want sole credit for an idea, you are doing yourself and the group a disservice.

Put the team first: If you find yourself thinking, "What's in it for me?" reposition your thinking by asking, "What's in it for the team?" No one person is more important than anyone else.
approachability  body_language  clarity  Communicating_&_Connecting  generosity  gestures  gossip  Harvey_Schachter  indispensable  listening  Managing_Your_Career  responsiveness  serving_others  teams  tips  trustworthiness 
january 2009 by jerryking

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