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jerryking : grace   19

Opinion | How to Survive Your 40s - The New York Times
By Pamela Druckerman

Ms. Druckerman is a writer in her 40s, living in Paris.

May 4, 2018
aging  grace  howto  midlife  women 
may 2018 by jerryking
Drop It - Joel Osteen - YouTube
Drop it, Leave it. Let it go (God's in control). Life's too short to carry around negative baggage. Your destiny is too important, your time too valuable to go through the day weighted down by offence, guilt, disappointment, and hurts. Don't give in to temptation to pick it back up.
churches  forgiveness  grace  Joel_Osteen  mega-churches  pastors  positive_thinking  prosperity_gospel 
april 2018 by jerryking
When Did You First Feel Old? - WSJ
By Clare Ansberry
Oct. 2, 2017

It can hit us at any age; just feeling young at key turning points helps us live longer and happier lives

Awareness of age isn’t necessarily a bad thing.....Appreciating that time isn’t endless
helps set priorities.
===========
Aging is social, we old people have to help young people understand the process.
aging  grace  culture  turning_points  longevity  happiness 
october 2017 by jerryking
Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
MAY 28, 2016 | The New York Times | By ALAIN de BOTTON.

We all fear marrying the wrong person...Partly, it’s because we have many latent problems that emerge when we try to get close to others (we seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”)....The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. ...Our partners are no more self-aware although we make a stab at trying to understand them....we seek a (false) sense that we’ve done our homework. We haven’t.....What matters in the marriage of feeling--romantic love--is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.....we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. ...as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy....We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable.....Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us....We marry to make joyful sensations permanent but fail to see that there is no solid connection between these feelings and the institution of marriage....The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding "romantic love" idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning....swap the Romantic Love view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we're willing to sign up for.

This philosophy of pessimism--thinking tragically--offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person.

Romantic Love has been unhelpful to us; it is a harsh philosophy. It has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should learn to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.
Communicating_&_Connecting  conflict_resolution  disagreements  disappointment  expectations  forgiveness  generosity  grace  humour  imperfections  intimacy  marriage  perspectives  pessimism  relationships  romantic_love  serving_others  thinking_tragically 
may 2016 by jerryking
The Mental Virtues - NYTimes.com
AUG. 28, 2014| NYT | David Brooks.

Thinking well under a barrage of information may be a different sort of moral challenge than fighting well under a hail of bullets, but it’s a character challenge nonetheless. In their 2007 book, “Intellectual Virtues,” Robert C. Roberts of Baylor University and W. Jay Wood of Wheaton College list some of the cerebral virtues. We can all grade ourselves on how good we are at each of them.

First, there is love of learning.
Second, there is courage. Not just the willingness to hold unpopular views. But the subtler form, which is knowing how much risk to take in jumping to conclusions. Reckless thinkers take scraps of information and leaps to some faraway conspiracy theories. Perfectionists are silenced, except under ideal conditions, for fear of being wrong. Intellectual courage is self-regulation--knowing when to be daring and when to be cautious. And guarding against confirmation bias.

Third, there is firmness. Don’t be the person who surrenders his beliefs at the slightest whiff of opposition. On the other hand, you don’t want to hold dogmatically to a belief against all evidence. The median point between flaccidity and rigidity is the virtue of firmness.

Fourth, there is humility, which is not letting your own desire for status get in the way of accuracy. Fight against vanity and self-importance.

Fifth, there is autonomy. Don’t be a person who slavishly adopts whatever opinion your teacher or some author gives you. On the other hand, don’t reject all guidance from people who know what they are talking about. Autonomy is the median of knowing when to bow to authority and when not to, when to follow a role model and when not to, when to adhere to tradition and when not to.[In this case, autonomy sounds a lot like judgment]

Finally, there is generosity. This virtue starts with the willingness to share knowledge and give others credit. But it also means hearing others as they would like to be heard, looking for what each person has to teach and not looking to triumphantly pounce upon their errors.
David_Brooks  thinking  howto  cognitive_skills  biases  virtues  humility  intellectual_courage  courage  autonomy  resolve  generosity  praise  grace  firmness  confirmation_bias  self-regulation  recklessness  cerebral  perfection  independent_viewpoints  discernment  self-importance  pairs 
august 2014 by jerryking
Ladies, it’s time to age gratefully - The Globe and Mail
HEATHER SANDERS
Contributed to The Globe and Mail
Published Tuesday, Aug. 26 2014,

my message to my girlfriends in their 20s: You are beautiful. You have that glow of youth that is the envy of those decades older. You may look in the mirror and see imaginary “flaws,” but you are perfect, you are young. Enjoy it to the fullest and don’t give it a second thought. Nurture your soul and spirit, and be that beautiful woman from the inside out.

To my older women friends: You’ve come this far, building a life, a home, a family and friends. They don’t give a flying care that you weigh a few extra pounds, that your eyes crinkle when you smile (they find it endearing), that in those old photos you wore a size 6 that barely covered your bum. Those times are done. We don’t need you to be thin and pretty: We need you to be our good friends and mentors on this journey. The real beauty of you right now is the friendship and good times you share with us.

And to my fortysomething self: Suck it up, buttercup. You’re not 20 any more and you’re not 50 yet.

Women need to learn to be happy with themselves at any age. Use the potions and creams if you want, but get exercise and use sunscreen, too. Don’t put such importance on the fleeting physicality of life. As my 73-year-old mother would say, “Enjoy every good day.” Invest your energy in the important things – learning and experiences that keep the mind young. Be thankful you had a chance to be young and pretty.

Remember you are still a work in progress – at the end of the day, at the end of this life, it’s what you did that mattered, not how you looked doing it.
aging  women  gratitude  grace  sense_of_proportion  friendships  exercise  fitness  personal_accomplishments  mybestlife  superficiality  ephemeral  inside_out 
august 2014 by jerryking
Three questions to ask yourself when you’re angry
Sep. 07 2012 | The Globe and Mail | HARVEY SCHACHTER.

Are you hungry?
Are you mad at someone or something else?
How would a classy person act right now?
anger_management  Harvey_Schachter  questions  think_threes  grace  emotional_mastery 
september 2012 by jerryking
The secret to polite conversation - The Globe and Mail
SARAH HAMPSON | Columnist profile | E-mail
From Monday's Globe and Mail
Published Sunday, Dec. 11, 2011

That’s the thing about pleasant conversation. It’s a dance of fancy footwork, a minefield of social explosive devices to be avoided, the exact opposite of what the popular culture of confession and narcissistic Facebook commentary suggests is important. A good conversationalist has a feel for nuance; an understanding of grace; an ability to make careful entrees and gentle exits. He is not obsessed with his own status updates. And he’s adept at skilled deflections.

To make for happy party dynamics, you must demure at times, remain silent when necessary, nod, listen, dare to be conventional and find refuse in a discussion about the weather.

Rarely do you need to say exactly how you feel,
conversations  ice-breakers  Communicating_&_Connecting  etiquette  politeness  people_skills  grace  generosity  serving_others  nuanced  socially_graceful 
december 2011 by jerryking
The Generous Marriage
December 8, 2011 | NYT | By TARA PARKER-POPE.

The role of generosity is becoming better understood...Generosity is defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive? [Brains, Beauty, Breeding + Generosity/ (graciousness = of good cheer/humour, forgiveness, and an ability to maintain a sense of proportion )]
relationships  marriage  Tara_Parker-Pope  intimacy  parenting  Communicating_&_Connecting  grace  serving_others  romantic_love  generosity  sense_of_proportion 
december 2011 by jerryking
Grace under firing
August 13, 2011 | globeadvisor.com | by AARON SCHAT. As
Tiger Woods' former caddy discovered, losing your job can be a real test
of character. How not to make a bad situation worse:

How you handle difficult life circumstances - such as being fired -
reveals your character. This does not mean that you should blithely
accept being mistreated. Indeed, anger is an appropriate reaction to
experiencing or witnessing mistreatment. Nor does this mean that you
should avoid criticizing people or processes that are unfair. But this
can be done with venom or grace, malice or dignity. You are responsible
for how you respond.
(1) Never bad mouth an ex-employer.
(2) Reflect and learn
(3) Find fresh motivation
(4) Make the best of the crisis.
bouncing_back  character_traits  emotional_mastery  etiquette  firings  golf  grace  Managing_Your_Career  mistreatment  resilience  silver_linings  Tiger_Woods  values 
august 2011 by jerryking
The Schmooze-Hater’s Guide to Better Networking
March 15, 2011 | BNET | By Tom Searcy |
(1) It’s not all about you. See if there is a way you can be of help to
others--be a great problem solver. Along the way good things will happen
for you, too.
(2) Set your goals, primary and back-up
(3) Ask good questions. # “What business problem does your company
solve?” “What is the best example you have of how you are doing that?” #
“What has been the biggest win for you/your company in the last six
months?”
(4) Exit gracefully. “It has been so nice to spend a few minutes getting
to know you, I hope you have a great spring.” smile graciously and just
move on.
exits  networking  howto  ice-breakers  JCK  conversations  serving_others  questions  grace  small_talk  Communicating_&_Connecting 
march 2011 by jerryking
Patrick Lencioni: The Most Important Leadership Trait You Shun - WSJ.com
JUNE 22, 2010 | Wall Street Journal | By PATRICK LENCIONI.
Writes about vulnerability, the ability to be genuinely honest about
one's weaknesses, mistakes and needs for help. Whether we're talking
about leadership, teamwork or client service, nothing inspires trust in
another human being as much as vulnerability . There is just something
immensely attractive and inspiring about humility and graciousness.
leadership  Patrick_Lencioni  personal_growth  life_skills  humility  weaknesses  authenticity  trustworthiness  grace  vulnerabilities 
june 2010 by jerryking
Killing Gossip With Kindness - WSJ.com
JANUARY 6, 2010 | Wall Street Journal | By JEFFREY ZASLOW.
Before saying something to or about someone else, ask yourself: "Is it
kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" These three questions have been
around for centuries, attributed to Socrates and Buddhist teachings, and
linked to the tenets of Christianity and the Jewish prohibition on
"lashon hara," or evil language. Replace words that hurt with words
that encourage, engage and enrich."
etiquette  Jeffrey_Zaslow  discretion  scuttlebutt  Socrates  public_decorum  gossip  think_threes  grace 
january 2010 by jerryking
Seth's Blog: How to lose an argument online
Posted by Seth Godin on November 23, 2009. Instead of arguing,
Seth advocates the following: "Earn a reputation. Have a conversation.
Ask questions. Describe possible outcomes of a point of view. Make
connections. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Align
objectives then describe a better outcome. Show up. Smile."
Seth_Godin  debates  howto  grace  reputation  conversations  questions  options  Communicating_&_Connecting  following_up  disagreements  argumentation  personal_branding 
december 2009 by jerryking

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