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Opinion | The Surprising Benefits of Relentlessly Auditing Your Life
May 25, 2019 | The New York Times | By Amy Westervelt, a journalist and podcaster.

"The unexamined life is not worth living" is a famous dictum apparently uttered by Socrates at his trial for impiety and corrupting youth, for which he was subsequently sentenced to death, as described in Plato's Apology (38a5–6).
analytics  data  evidence_based  happiness  housework  marriage  note_taking  patterns  quality_of_life  quantitative  quantified_self  record-keeping  relationships  relentlessness  self-assessment  self-examination  self-improvement  spreadsheets 
may 2019 by jerryking
Opinion | How Love Changes - The New York Times
the most important aspect of relationships? People change! One might find the “perfect” soul mate today and a few years later, or even sooner, that person changes, becomes less sharing, turns into a slob, finds a love of gambling or no longer enjoys going to the flea market in Connecticut on Sundays.

Searching for the perfect lifelong mate is a noble goal, but a fool’s errand. During the 60 years that my wife and I have been married, we have both been several different people. Working through those changes is no guarantee of a forever relationship, but thinking that all you need to do is make a good first choice is foolish.
relationships  marriage  romantic_love  letters_to_the_editor  soul_mates 
november 2018 by jerryking
Long-Married Couples Offer Tips From Domestic Trenches
Aug. 20, 2002 | WSJ | By Tara Parker-Pope Staff Reporter of The Wall Street Journal
relationships  Tara_Parker-Pope  marriage 
november 2017 by jerryking
Can Eye-Rolling Ruin a Marriage? Researchers Study Divorce Risk - WSJ
Updated Aug. 6, 2002

University of Washington psychology professor John Gottman, a leading divorce-prediction researcher (www.gottman.com), has videotaped thousands of couples and codes positive and negative facial expressions, body language and comments.

Dr. Gottman and his colleagues have calculated that strong marriages have at least a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions. When the ratio starts to drop, the marriage is at high risk for divorce.

In real life, no couple can keep a running tally of positive and negative displays. But therapists say it's important to ramp up the positives after a single negative occurs so the ratio doesn't slip to a dangerous level. Four negative qualities are the strongest predictors for divorce: contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Couples also need to be aware of subtle negatives such as facial expressions.

"There are thousands of them that happen in a week's time in a marriage," says Cheryl Rampage, senior therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.

While half of all divorces occur in the first seven years of marriage, a study published this spring in Family Process claimed that another risky time for divorce is in midlife. The study followed 79 Bloomington, Ind., couples that had been married an average of five years. Four years after the research commenced, 9% had divorced. By the end of the 14-year study, 22 couples, or 28%, had divorced.

The couples that divorced early were volatile and negative. But the marriages that ended later were on the opposite end of the spectrum, marked by suppressed emotions -- described as the type of couple that sits together in a restaurant but doesn't talk. Often those couples aren't aware they are in a high-risk marriage because the early years are so tolerable.
body_language  divorce  marriage  relationships  predictors  facial_expressions  TARA_PARKER-POPE  negativity_bias 
november 2017 by jerryking
Black Americans Need Bourgeois Norms - WSJ
By Robert L. Woodson
Oct. 11, 2017

This summer, law professors Amy Wax and Larry Alexander caused a stir with an op-ed lamenting the decline of what they called “bourgeois norms.” “All cultures are not equal,” they rightly observed. Those that encourage self-restraint, delayed gratification, marriage and a strong work ethic tend to thrive. Those that tolerate or excuse substance abuse, out-of-wedlock pregnancy and dropping out tend to break down.

Ms. Wax and Mr. Alexander were instantly accused of racism by the growing army of angry academics who police the prevailing narrative of black victimhood. According to this narrative, black progress is determined not by personal choices and individual behavior, but by white supremacy, America’s history of slavery and discrimination, and institutional racism. Touting “bourgeois values” is interpreted as an offense against authentic black culture.......A better life has always been available to those who reject undisciplined and irresponsible behavior, and embrace self-determination and personal responsibility. So-called bourgeois values have always empowered blacks to persevere and overcome bitter oppression. They provided the moral “glue” that held the black community together during the hardest of times.
moral_codes  Amy_Wax  Frederick_Douglass  values  victimhood  African-Americans  self-restraint  delayed_gratification  marriage  work_ethic  personal_responsibility  societal_norms  authenticity  bourgeois  cultural_norms  cultural_values  hard_times 
october 2017 by jerryking
Leah McLaren: Considering marriage? Mind the Expectations Gap - The Globe and Mail
LEAH MCLAREN
Special to The Globe and Mail
Published Thursday, May 26, 2016

the Expectations Gap. This is the idea that the sort of women who tend to marry are often the sort of women who tend to have – shall we say – untenable expectations of the benefits their union is going to provide. I’m not just talking about deluded contestants on The Bachelor who think some guy putting a big sparkly ring on it is going to lead to a life of eternal, soft-focus bliss. I’m talking about myself.....[marrying anyone man with whom you share few-to-zero important life goals will not make you feel safe and centred].....offer the following piece of advice to any young person thinking of getting married: Be realistic in your expectations and understand that marriage, for most of us, is not the panacea our culture promises it to be. Respect yourself. Respect your partner. And if you really want to be safe, just don’t get married at all.
marriage  relationships  Leah_McLaren  expectations  self-respect 
july 2017 by jerryking
What Romantic Regime Are You In?
MARCH 7, 2017 | The New York Times | David Brooks.

In Russia, people tend to regard love as a sort of divine madness that descends from the heavens. Love is regarded... as “a destiny, a moral act and a value; it is irresistible, it requires sacrifice and implies suffering and pain....In America people tend to ask: Does a partner fulfill your needs? Do you feel comfortable asserting your rights in the relationship? Does your partner check the right boxes?

While Russians pursue a "Regime of Fate", Americans seek a "Regime of Choice".....The most important requirement for choice is not the availability of multiple options...but the existence of a savvy, sovereign chooser who is well aware of his needs and who acts on the basis of self-interest. Brooks sees those who have mastered the notion of lifelong commitment to belong to a third regime, one he calls the Regime of Covenants in which a covenant is not a choice, but a life-altering promise and all the binding the promise entails.....In the Regime of Covenants, making the right one-time selection is less important than the ongoing action to serve the relationship.

The Covenant people tend to have a “we” consciousness. The good of the relationship itself comes first and the needs of the partner are second and the individual needs are third. The covenant only works if each partner, as best as possible, puts the other’s needs above his or her own, with the understanding that the other will reciprocate....Covenant Regimes require a framework in which exit is not an easy option, in which you’re assured the other person’s love is not going away, and in which the only way to survive the crises is to go deeper into the relationship itself.

The final feature of a covenant is that the relationship is not just about itself; it serves some larger purpose. The obvious one in many cases is raising children. But the deeper one is transformation. People in such a covenant try to love the other in a way that brings out their loveliness. They hope that through this service they’ll become a slightly less selfish version of themselves.
romantic_love  David_Brooks  reciprocity  self-interest  serving_others  covenants  Russia  lifelong  marriage  relationships  commitments  sacrifice  transformational  parenting 
march 2017 by jerryking
China’s Cheating Husbands Fuel an Industry of ‘Mistress Dispellers’ - The New York Times
By EMILY FENG and CHARLOTTE YANG JULY 29, 2016

Typically hired by a scorned wife, they coach women on how to save their marriages, while inducing the mistress to disappear. For a fee that can start in the tens of thousands of dollars, they will subtly infiltrate the mistress’s life, winning her friendship and trust in an attempt to break up the affair. The services have emerged as China’s economy has opened up in recent decades, and as extramarital affairs grew more common.....Mistress dispelling typically begins with research on the targeted woman, said Shu Xin, Weiqing’s director. An investigation team — often including a psychotherapist and, to keep on the safe side, a lawyer — analyzes her family, friends, education and job before sending in an employee whom Weiqing calls a counselor.

“Once we figure out what type of mistress she is — in it for money, love or sex — we draw up a plan,” Mr. Shu said.

The counselor might move into the mistress’s apartment building or start working out at her gym, getting to know her, becoming her confidante and eventually turning her feelings against her partner. Sometimes, the counselor finds her a new lover, a job opening in another city or otherwise persuades her to leave the married man. Weiqing and other agencies said their counselors were prohibited from becoming intimately involved with the mistresses or from using or threatening violence.
China  relationships  marriage  marital_strife  marital_breakdowns  infidelity  pre-emption  humint  spycraft  countermeasures  infiltration 
august 2016 by jerryking
Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
MAY 28, 2016 | The New York Times | By ALAIN de BOTTON.

We all fear marrying the wrong person...Partly, it’s because we have many latent problems that emerge when we try to get close to others (we seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”)....The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. ...Our partners are no more self-aware although we make a stab at trying to understand them....we seek a (false) sense that we’ve done our homework. We haven’t.....What matters in the marriage of feeling--romantic love--is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.....we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. ...as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy....We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable.....Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us....We marry to make joyful sensations permanent but fail to see that there is no solid connection between these feelings and the institution of marriage....The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding "romantic love" idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning....swap the Romantic Love view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we're willing to sign up for.

This philosophy of pessimism--thinking tragically--offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person.

Romantic Love has been unhelpful to us; it is a harsh philosophy. It has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should learn to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.
Communicating_&_Connecting  conflict_resolution  disagreements  disappointment  expectations  forgiveness  generosity  grace  humour  imperfections  intimacy  marriage  perspectives  pessimism  relationships  romantic_love  serving_others  thinking_tragically 
may 2016 by jerryking
Review: Beyoncé Makes ‘Lemonade’ Out of Marital Strife - The New York Times
By JON PARELESAPRIL 24, 2016
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Beyoncé  music  marriage  relationships  marital_strife  marital_breakdowns  infidelity 
april 2016 by jerryking
How to Pick Your Life Partner - Part 1 -
February 12, 2014 | Wait But Why | By Tim Urban

how is it possible that so many good, smart, otherwise-logical people end up choosing a life partnership that leaves them dissatisfied and unhappy?

Well as it turns out, there are a bunch of factors working against us:

* People tend to be bad at knowing what they want from a relationship

* Society has it all wrong and gives us terrible advice

→ Society encourages us to stay uneducated and let romance be our guide.

→ Society places a stigma on intelligently expanding our search for potential partners.

The obvious conclusion to draw here is that outside of serious socialites, everyone looking for a life partner should be doing a lot of online dating, speed dating, and other systems created to broaden the candidate pool in an intelligent way.

But good old society frowns upon that, and people are often still timid to say they met their spouse on a dating site.

→ Society rushes us.

Our Biology Is Doing Us No Favors

→ Human biology evolved a long time ago and doesn’t understand the concept of having a deep connection with a life partner for 50 years.

→ Biological clocks are a bitch.
dating  happiness  howto  marriage  needs-driven  relationships  romance 
january 2016 by jerryking
Bridled Vows - NYTimes.com
To save articles or get newsletters, alerts or recommendations - all free.
book_reviews  fiction  adultery  marriage 
july 2015 by jerryking
Taking Risks in Love - NYTimes.com
FEB. 13, 2015 | NYT | Arthur Brooks.

If we want more love, we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Forget test-driving a relationship for 10 years, or searching for someone so perfectly matched as to resemble a sibling.

Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. I remember moments when my own romantic venture seemed doomed and foolish. Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway....The second thing love requires is mindfulness — pure focus, and total engagement in the current activity. “While washing the dishes,” the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “one should only be washing the dishes.”

But mindfulness goes beyond the mundane; it is also the key to victory in the most audacious ventures. Emerging research shows that practicing mindfulness changes the structure of the brain in beneficial ways that make people more effective in business. Successful entrepreneurs have the uncanny ability to reside in the present moment even while working toward their goal. Lovers need the same mindful focus.
relationships  dating  marriage  courage  focus  personal_risk  romance  romantic_love  valentine  fear  mindfulness  seminal_moments 
february 2015 by jerryking
Clay Christensen On What Your Business Can Learn From Divorce
April 12, 2013 | Fast Company | Business + Innovation | DRAKE BAER

Drake Baer was a contributing writer at Fast Company, where he covered work culture.

Bottom Line: In business, as in love, you must understand what the other person's needs are—whether they say it or not.
Clayton_Christensen  marriage  relationships  divorce  work_life_balance  motivations  takeaways 
february 2015 by jerryking
The Sex Question Readers Want Answered Most - WSJ
By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
Feb. 10, 2014

To rekindle the flame, skip the flowers and chocolate. Ditto the plan to get something going on your birthday or anniversary. "These are clichés,"..."We've been there and done that. The novelty has worn off."...Step One is to have a conversation with your spouse—and choose your words carefully...."The heart of all this sex stuff is emotional intimacy," she says. "If you actually want to make changes in your sex life, that's where you start."
Communicating_&_Connecting  Elizabeth_Bernstein  clichés  relationships  sex  sexuality  men  marriage  intimacy  questions 
february 2015 by jerryking
Look who’s on top of the marriage market - The Globe and Mail
MARGARET WENTE
The Globe and Mail
Published Saturday, Sep. 20 2014,

Like the economy, the marriage market has become increasingly stratified and class-based. An increasing number of successful, high-earning men are concentrated at the top, while the pool of reliable, stably employed men at the bottom is shrinking. Men at the top don’t want to marry the secretary any more – they want to marry their equals, for reasons of both status and earning power. After all, two professional incomes will buy you a nicer life than one. They also want to make the best possible genetic investment in their offspring.

“Educated men and women are drawn to spouses they think will help them produce the children likely to thrive in the contemporary knowledge-based economy,” wrote social commentator Kay Hymowitz, whom the authors quote. “… The preference for alpha kids is the reason there is a luxury market for Ivy League egg and sperm donors.”
marriage  relationships  education  women  Margaret_Wente  income_inequality  social_classes 
september 2014 by jerryking
There are other options to motherhood - The Globe and Mail
LEAH MCLAREN
Special to The Globe and Mail
Published Thursday, Aug. 14 2014,
women  marriage  parenting  relationships  Leah_McLaren  motherhood 
august 2014 by jerryking
The Real Reason Couples Have Sex - WSJ.com
October 21, 2013, 6:51 p.m. ET

The Real Reason Couples Have Sex
Two New Studies Examine What Motivates Couples to Have Sex

By
ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
Elizabeth_Bernstein  relationships  marriage  sex 
october 2013 by jerryking
Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage | love story from the male perspective
1. Never stop courting
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.

This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.


2. Protect your own heart
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.

Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.

SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.

Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability...
...For your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.



7. Never blame your wife if you...
get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.

You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET.

Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly…
don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday…
learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.



12. Be willing to take her sexually...
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing.

(Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable…
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent
relationships  divorce  tips  marriage  romantic_love  living_in_the_moment  emotional_mastery 
august 2013 by jerryking
Couples Facing the Ordeal of Cancer - NYTimes.com
May 27, 2013, 12:01 am 44 Comments
Battling Cancer Together
By JANE E. BRODY
cancers  relationships  marriage  Communicating_&_Connecting 
may 2013 by jerryking
Late Marriage and Its Consequences
Ross Douthat - Just another nytimes.com Blogs weblog
March 22, 2013, 8:48 am
Late Marriage and Its Consequences
marriage  relationships 
march 2013 by jerryking
The Petraeus affair: It’s time we quit feigning outrage over infidelity
Nov. 15 2012 | The Globe and Mail |KATRINA ONSTAD, Special to The Globe and Mail
David_Petraeus  infidelity  marriage  relationships 
december 2012 by jerryking
Pitching a Brokerage Service for Canceled Weddings - NYTimes.com
September 5, 2012, 7:00 am10 Comments
Pitching a Brokerage Service for Canceled Weddings
By CAROL ROTH
marriage  running_a_business 
september 2012 by jerryking
The Five Lessons Divorced People Learn About Marriage - WSJ.com
July 24, 2012 | WSJ | By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN.
Divorcé's Guide to Marriage
Study Reveals Five Common Themes Underlie Most Divorces
divorce  relationships  marriage  Elizabeth_Bernstein  lessons_learned 
july 2012 by jerryking
First Mate
July 10, 2012 | G&M |
Biting critique of Avivah Wittenberg-Cox's essay, "Most of my girlfriends jumped ship after decades of marriage" by Anya Hageman, of Kingston, Ont.
letters_to_the_editor  divorce  relationships  marriage  selfishness  soul_mates 
july 2012 by jerryking
Two Classes in America, Divided by ‘I Do’ - NYTimes.com
July 14, 2012 | NYT | By JASON DePARLE.

The economic storms of recent years have raised concerns about growing inequality and questions about a core national faith, that even Americans of humble backgrounds have a good chance of getting ahead. Most of the discussion has focused on labor market forces like falling blue-collar wages and lavish Wall Street pay.

But striking changes in family structure have also broadened income gaps and posed new barriers to upward mobility. College-educated Americans like the Faulkners are increasingly likely to marry one another, compounding their growing advantages in pay. Less-educated women like Ms. Schairer, who left college without finishing her degree, are growing less likely to marry at all, raising children on pinched paychecks that come in ones, not twos.

Estimates vary widely, but scholars have said that changes in marriage patterns — as opposed to changes in individual earnings — may account for as much as 40 percent of the growth in certain measures of inequality.
marriage  parenting  family  family_breakdown  income  income_distribution  Matthew_effect  social_classes  college-educated  social_mobility  self-perpetuation  compounded  blue-collar  inequality 
july 2012 by jerryking
10 Things They Don't Tell You at Graduation - WSJ.com
April 27, 2012 | WSJ | By CHARLES WHEELAN.

10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You

April 27, 2012 | WSJ | By CHARLES WHEELAN.

10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You

1. Your time in fraternity basements was well spent. The same goes for the time you spent playing intramural sports, working on the school newspaper or just hanging with friends. ...One of the most important causal factors associated with happiness and well-being is your meaningful connections with other human beings....think "friendships.

2. Some of your worst days lie ahead. Graduation is a happy day. But my job is to tell you that if you are going to do anything worthwhile, you will face periods of grinding self-doubt and failure. Be prepared to work through them. ... no one can afford to retire.

3. Don't make the world worse. .... don't use your prodigious talents to mess things up.

4. Marry up

5. Help stop the Little League arms race. Kids' sports are becoming ridiculously structured and competitive. What happened to playing baseball because it's fun? We are systematically creating races out of things that ought to be a journey. We know that success isn't about simply running faster than everyone else in some predetermined direction.

6. Read obituaries. They are just like biographies, only shorter. They remind us that interesting, successful people rarely lead orderly, linear lives.

7. Your parents don't want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn't always the same thing. There is a natural instinct to protect our children from risk and discomfort, and therefore to urge safe choices. Theodore Roosevelt—soldier, explorer, president—once remarked, "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed."

8. Don't model your life after a circus animal. Performing animals do tricks because their trainers throw them peanuts or small fish for doing so. You should aspire to do better. You will be a friend, a parent, a coach, an employee—and so on. But only in your job will you be explicitly evaluated and rewarded for your performance. Don't let your life decisions be distorted by the fact that your boss is the only one tossing you peanuts. ...

9. It's all borrowed time. Take nothing for granted, not even tomorrow. ....the "hit by a bus" rule. Would I regret spending my life this way if I were to get hit by a bus next week or next year? And the important corollary: Does this path lead to a life I will be happy with and proud of in 10 or 20 years if I don't get hit by a bus.

10. Don't try to be great. Being great involves luck and other circumstances beyond your control. The less you think about being great, the more likely it is to happen. And if it doesn't, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being solid.
commencement  Colleges_&_Universities  good_enough  public_speaking  speeches  Communicating_&_Connecting  new_graduates  self-doubt  failure  risk-taking  discomforts  marriage  obituaries  Theodore_Roosevelt  happiness  friendships  arms_race  personal_connections  advice  affirmations  beyond_one's_control  luck  mybestlife 
april 2012 by jerryking
Why romantic love is overrated - The Globe and Mail
Margaret Wente | Columnist profile | E-mail
From Saturday's Globe and Mail
Published Saturday, Feb. 11, 2012
valentine  dating  relationships  marriage  Margaret_Wente  romantic_love  overrated 
february 2012 by jerryking
Nagging in Marriage Is More Common Than Adultery But Can Also Lead to Divorce - WSJ.com
JANUARY 25, 2012 | WSJ | Elizabeth Bernstein.

Meet the Marriage Killer. It's More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
relationships  marriage  Elizabeth_Bernstein  toxic_behaviors  divorce 
january 2012 by jerryking
Charles Murray on the New American Divide - WSJ.com
JANUARY 21, 2012 | WSJ | By CHARLES MURRAY

The New American Divide
The ideal of an 'American way of life' is fading as the working class falls further away from institutions like marriage and religion and the upper class becomes more isolated. Charles Murray on what's cleaving America, and why.

When Americans used to brag about "the American way of life"—a phrase still in common use in 1960—they were talking about a civic culture that swept an extremely large proportion of Americans of all classes into its embrace. It was a culture encompassing shared experiences of daily life and shared assumptions about central American values involving marriage, honesty, hard work and religiosity.

Over the past 50 years, that common civic culture has unraveled. We have developed a new upper class with advanced educations, often obtained at elite schools, sharing tastes and preferences that set them apart from mainstream America. At the same time, we have developed a new lower class, characterized not by poverty but by withdrawal from America's core cultural institutions.
Charles_Murray  family_breakdown  marriage  religion  social_integration  social_classes  '50s  '60s  values  civics  underclass  cultural_institutions  social_fabric  whites  working_class  fault_lines  hard_work  disintegration  shared_consciousness  upper-income 
january 2012 by jerryking
How Harvard Shaped Mitt Romney - NYTimes.com
By JODI KANTOR
Published: December 24, 2011

“You have the same question as General Electric,” said Mr. Romney, then a young father and a management consultant. “Your resources are your time and talent. How are you going to deploy them?”

He drew a chart called a growth-share matrix with little circles to represent various pursuits: work, family, church. Investing time in work delivered tangible returns like raises and profits.

“Your children don’t pay any evidence of achievement for 20 years,” Mr. Romney said. But if students failed to invest sufficient time and energy in their spouses and children, their families could become “dogs” — consultant-speak for drags on the rest of the company — sucking energy, time and happiness out of the students....early four decades ago at Harvard, Mr. Romney embraced an analytical, nonideological way of thinking, say former classmates and professors, one that both matched his own instincts and helped him succeed....Every day for an hour, the all-male group — there were relatively few women in the program back then — sat at a semicircular table outside the classroom and briefed one another on the reading material....The case study method “doesn’t start with the theory or even principles,” said Kim B. Clark, a friend of Mr. Romney’s who later became dean of the school. “It starts with ‘All right, what is going on? What does the data tell us?’ ”

The cases did not even lay out questions. Students had to analyze the material, sometimes just a paragraph long, figure out the company’s problems and pose solutions. “The case study method is like trying to train doctors by just showing them [sick] patients, rather than by showing them textbooks to depict what a healthy patient should look like,” said Mr. Brownstein, the former classmate.
business_schools  case_studies  finite_resources  Harvard  HBS  J.D.-M.B.A.  marriage  MBAs  Mitt_Romney  parenting  problem_framing  quantified_self  questions  resource_allocation  work_life_balance 
december 2011 by jerryking
Taking a Step Forward - Modern Love - NYTimes.com
By DEBORAH DERRICKSON KOSSMANN
Published: December 15, 2011
relationships  marriage  dating  dancing 
december 2011 by jerryking
The Generous Marriage
December 8, 2011 | NYT | By TARA PARKER-POPE.

The role of generosity is becoming better understood...Generosity is defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive? [Brains, Beauty, Breeding + Generosity/ (graciousness = of good cheer/humour, forgiveness, and an ability to maintain a sense of proportion )]
relationships  marriage  Tara_Parker-Pope  intimacy  parenting  Communicating_&_Connecting  grace  serving_others  romantic_love  generosity  sense_of_proportion 
december 2011 by jerryking
In sickness and in health
September 20, 2005 | Globe & Mail Page A20 |By CATHY SOSNOWSKY
marriage  relationships  dating  illness  injuries  temperament 
november 2011 by jerryking
Work & Family: Giving Men Their Due - WSJ.com
MAY 19, 2005

Giving Credit Where It's Due: Men Do More Housework Than Women Think

By SUE SHELLENBARGER
Like this columnist
housework  relationships  marriage  Sue_Shellenbarger 
november 2011 by jerryking
Untying The Knot - NYTimes.com
By Melanie Thernstrom
Published: August 24, 2003
marriage  divorce  relationships 
november 2011 by jerryking
Is Marriage for White People? — By Ralph Richard Banks — Book Review - NYTimes.com
September 16, 2011 | NYT | By IMANI PERRY

"...The impediments to marriage for black people are daunting and
multifaceted.

Black women significantly outperform black men in high school and
college. As a result, the black middle class is disproportionately
female and the black poor are disproportionately male, and the gap is
widening. Extraordinary rates of incarceration for black men, and the
long-term effects of a prison record on employment, exacerbate this
situation. Banks refers to studies indicating that “in evaluating
potential mates, economic stability still matters more for
African-Americans than for other groups.” Yet they may never find that
security, and therefore never marry.

Moreover, the benefits of marriage don’t accrue as readily for
African-Americans as for other groups precisely because of their
economic instability."
African-Americans  book_reviews  disproportionality  marriage  mass_incarceration  middle_class  multifaceted  outperformance  racial_disparities  relationships  stigmatization  unemployment  women 
september 2011 by jerryking
An Interracial Fix for Black Marriage - WSJ.com
AUGUST 6, 2011 | WSJ | By RALPH RICHARD BANKS. Black women
could find more partners across the race line—and it might just spur
more black couples to wed
interracial  relationships  marriage  dating  African-Americans  women 
august 2011 by jerryking
Why conversation is as important to a marriage as sex ProQuest
Nov 26, 2005. Globe & Mail. Judith Timson. Family
therapists have a keen sense of how pivotal everyday low-key
conversation is to a good marriage, they can sense when a husband and
wife still respect and listen to what the other says..."sex is very
important, but that mutual respect for your mate and what they think is
the most important. You don't have to agree on things -- as a matter of
fact, I think good conversation often comes from the disagreement,"
family therapist Diane Moody says...Psychiatrist Cathi Borsook, says
conversation "is perhaps the major way couples find closeness with each
other." If conversation doesn't happen, even on a banal and casual
basis, there's little intimacy on any level...adds therapist Diane
Moody, " good conversation is an adventure and you have to plan it a
little by reading and thinking. In that way, I can see that it can be
compared to sex -- it takes good communication, a wish to please, some
planning and some creativity to keep it alive."
ProQuest  Judith_Timson  conversations  Communicating_&_Connecting  respect  listening  marriage  relationships  intimacy  disagreements  low-key 
june 2011 by jerryking
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