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Here's The Powerful Letter The Stanford Victim Read To Her Attacker
It’s like if you were to read an article where a car was hit, and found dented, in a ditch. But maybe the car enjoyed being hit. Maybe the other car didn’t mean to hit it, just bump it up a little bit. Cars get in accidents all the time, people aren’t always paying attention, can we really say who’s at fault.

Next in the story, two Swedes on bicycles approached you and you ran. When they tackled you why didn’t say, “Stop! Everything’s okay, go ask her, she’s right over there, she’ll tell you.” I mean you had just asked for my consent, right? I was awake, right? When the policeman arrived and interviewed the evil Swede who tackled you, he was crying so hard he couldn’t speak because of what he’d seen.

As this is a first offence I can see where leniency would beckon. On the other hand, as a society, we cannot forgive everyone’s first sexual assault or digital rape. It doesn’t make sense. The seriousness of rape has to be communicated clearly, we should not create a culture that suggests we learn that rape is wrong through trial and error. The consequences of sexual assault needs to be severe enough that people feel enough fear to exercise good judgment even if they are drunk, severe enough to be preventative.

The probation officer weighed the fact that he has surrendered a hard earned swimming scholarship. How fast Brock swims does not lessen the severity of what happened to me, and should not lessen the severity of his punishment. If a first time offender from an underprivileged background was accused of three felonies and displayed no accountability for his actions other than drinking, what would his sentence be? The fact that Brock was an athlete at a private university should not be seen as an entitlement to leniency, but as an opportunity to send a message that sexual assault is against the law regardless of social class.

Most importantly, thank you to the two men who saved me, who I have yet to meet. I sleep with two bicycles that I drew taped above my bed to remind myself there are heroes in this story. That we are looking out for one another. To have known all of these people, to have felt their protection and love, is something I will never forget.

As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, "Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
rapeculture  perspective  evilswedes  privilege 
6 weeks ago by kme
What I Learned From Dating Women Who Have Been Raped [https://medium.com/]
The idea that, if someone knew I didn’t want to do something sexual that they shouldn’t do it, was completely alien to me, and yet made total sense. Would I continue with an activity if my partner clearly didn’t want me to? Is that the way you would treat a person you cared about? We talk a lot now about affirmative consent and whatnot, but unfortunately we can’t legislate the actual change that needs to be made. Men need to care when they are making women suffer. People need to care when they make each other suffer.

I think my experience fighting back contrasts with another memory when a female friend got hit by a male friend in the face except she didn’t retaliate. I remember her getting ice for her face and needing a lot of comfort from her friends even though I’m not sure the punch was that hard, and it seemed strange then. Now, however, I think what happened was that she was trying to heal an emotional hurt. She was forced to absorb male anger without being allowed to express any anger herself, and something about that is deeply fucked in a way that’s hard to articulate.

More than any explicit action, this societal expectation for me to provide nurturance to the very people who resent me has poisoned me. It requires my complete effacement, for me to deny the value of my own experience. It has required a betrayal of the most personal kind, and to recover from it necessitates re-learning one of the most basic human instincts.

My own suffering matters.
rapeculture  society  consent  brokenness  selfdefense  agency 
march 2018 by kme
If We Fire All Sexual Assaulters, Will We End Up Firing Everyone? [https://medium.com/]
And, part of what was creepy about that night, is that I was hooking up with that girl for social status, not to connect with her. Of course I was tuned out to what she was feeling sexually; I was completely numbing my own sexual desires in pursuit of ego gratification. I wanted the feelings of success that would come after hooking up with her, but wasn’t much interested in the feelings of connection that came during hooking up.

How could people enjoy, and demand, being sexual with my body when they could knew it was hurting me?

The answer, I believe, is that they were in pursuit of ego gratification. They were disconnected from what we both were feeling, and were instead focused on the “accomplishment” of hooking up with me. The gratification they wanted wasn’t the gratification of connecting with another human, but rather achieving something in the eyes of society.

One thing that #metoo hasn’t addressed is — what do we do when we realize that we are the guilty party? What do we do when we remember incidents in our past when we weren’t as good to people as they really deserved? Because, well before we get to “illegal” sexual behaviors, there are a whole slew of “harmful” sexual behaviors which many (most?) of us are guilty of.
rapeculture  consent  relationships 
march 2018 by kme
Much of Human Bonding is Excluding Others – Emma Lindsay – Medium
People always joke about how “millennials” are soft and easily traumatized, and of course we are. Our communities are breaking down, and people report feeling lonelier than ever before. We are facing an epidemic of loneliness. Without strong social support, how are we going to have the strength to face the most emotionally painful parts of our lives?

Joining the incel-discussion facebook group was interesting, because it helped me see a lot of the factors surrounding me with my sexual assault. For instance, when I was younger, I believed other nerdy people — including men — were my people. Since we shared the similar experience of being socially ostracized, I assumed we could meet each other with a type of acceptance. What I see now, though, is that many nerdy men view social rejection by women differently than I do. These men assumed my place in society was assured, because of my gender, and that they would have nothing in common with me.

I was reading an article about experts who studied people who raped, and they described a mind set that was very familiar to me:

Dr. Malamuth has noticed that repeat offenders often tell similar stories of rejection in high school and of looking on as “jocks and the football players got all the attractive women.”

As these once-unpopular, often narcissistic men become more successful, he suspects that “getting back at these women, having power over them, seems to have become a source of arousal.”

I’ve already explained that when I was assaulted, the assault wasn’t nearly as damaging as the social isolation that accompanied it. Trying to fix rape culture though isolation culture is not going to work; socially isolated men will take their pain out on socially isolated women, and the further to the margins you push them, the more extreme and vile their acts will be.

What we’re not doing, is giving these people another path. What’s a lonely virgin to do? Where should they go, what advice do we have for them?

And, this is basically just a synecdoche for larger society. We’re creating factions of social rejection, where we deem people rapists, or racists, or whatever and render them completely un-redeemable. And yet, as we do this, we make the very situation we’re trying to fix worse and, at the end, isn’t that part of the point?

If conservative power structures operate through direct force — the military, financial oppression, etc. — liberal power structures tend to operate though social force. They do this by attempting to get you to ally with strangers against people in your community, and they do this by labelling some people in your community irredeemable. And, there is an implicit threat that, if you support these irredeemables, you will also be labelled as irredeemable.

With the internet, we are creating a social-media thought police over mind, and despite whatever it professes, rest assured it does not have your best interests at heart.
relationships  assholes  betas  rapeculture  loneliness  deplorables 
march 2018 by kme
Until we treat rapists as ordinary criminals we won’t stop them | Aeon Essays
What such studies discovered about the character of these men was less startling. Were rapists less empathetic than other men? Unsurprisingly, yes. Were rapists more self-centred and manipulative? To no one’s amazement, yes. Did rapists have negative attitudes towards women? Unastonishingly, also yes. On all these parameters, the difference between rapists and non-rapists was small but significant. The conclusion seemed to be that rapists weren’t monsters, totally distinct from normal men, but did tend to be (to use layman’s terms) misogynist arseholes. Again, this was not earth-shattering news.

It’s also not good news. If relatively common levels of callousness, selfishness and sexism can turn a man into a rapist, the problem seems insoluble. We might conceivably end sexism, but people have been trying to root out callousness and selfishness for thousands of years with no noticeable success.

If there really is such a thing as rape culture, it follows that we should see large variations in rates of sexual violence from country to country, depending on the degree to which it is condoned or punished. To cut to the chase, we do. We might remember that 6 to 14.9 per cent of male college students in the US confessed to rape. This statistic seems terrible until you learn that, according to a study published in The Lancet, the percentage of men who self-identify as rapists in China is just under 23 per cent, and in Papua New Guinea, it’s a brutally depressing 60.7 per cent.
rapeculture  psychology  crime  rape  culture 
april 2017 by kme
Sex on Campus - She Can Play That Game, Too - NYTimes.com
In interviews, “Some of them actually said things like, ‘A relationship is like taking a four-credit class,’ or ‘I could get in a relationship, or I could finish my film,’ ” Dr. Armstrong said.

Increasingly, she said, many privileged young people see college as a unique life stage in which they don’t — and shouldn’t — have obligations other than their own self-development.

In November of Haley’s freshman year, a couple of months after her first tentative “Difmos,” or dance-floor makeouts, she went to a party with a boy from her floor. She had too much to drink, and she remembered telling him that she wanted to go home.

Instead, she said, he took her to his room and had sex with her while she drifted in and out of consciousness. She woke up with her head spinning. The next day, not sure what to think about what had happened, she described the night to her friends as though it were a funny story: I was so drunk, I fell asleep while I was having sex! She played up the moment in the middle of the night when the guy’s roommate poked his head in the room and asked, “Yo, did you score?”

Only later did Haley begin to think of what had happened as rape — a disturbingly common part of many women’s college experience. In a 2007 survey funded by the Justice Department of 6,800 undergraduates at two big public universities, nearly 14 percent of women said they had been victims of at least one completed sexual assault at college; more than half of the victims said they were incapacitated from drugs or alcohol at the time.

The close relationship between hooking up and drinking leads to confusion and disagreement about the line between a “bad hookup” and assault. In 2009, 2010 and 2011, 10 to 16 forcible sex offenses were reported annually to campus security as taking place on Penn’s campus or in the immediate neighborhood.

When she went to Penn, she was surprised to see her elite classmates drinking, but even more surprised by the casual making out. She would go along with her friends to fraternity parties, but she refused to dance with strangers or to kiss anyone.

“Sharing that side of myself with a stranger just seems very strange to me,” she said in September. “I mean, if you break it down, it’s a very strange thing to do.”

Her unease was common among students from relatively modest backgrounds, said Dr. Armstrong, the University of Michigan sociologist. In one study, conducted with Laura Hamilton, now a professor at the University of California, Merced, Dr. Armstrong followed roughly 50 women from their freshman year at Indiana University in 2004 until the end of their college careers. They found that the women from wealthier backgrounds were much more likely to hook up, more interested in postponing adult responsibilities and warier of serious romantic commitment than their less-affluent classmates.

The women from less-privileged backgrounds looked at their classmates who got drunk and hooked up as immature.

At Penn, Mercedes said: “Everyone else seemed to live life, not really care about what they were doing. Like, ‘You’re only young once,’ they had that sort of mentality. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be, like, free-spirited, and not really care about the consequences of my actions.”

She added, “Nothing is stopping me from rebelling. I just didn’t rebel.”

Catherine, a Penn senior, had found hooking up in college to be a continual source of heartbreak. She had repeatedly made the mistake of thinking that because she was sleeping with someone, they were in a relationship, only to be disabused when the guy broke things off abruptly. The only glimmer of light had been a friendship with a guy she had met while studying abroad in Ireland, which blossomed into a romance just before she had to leave. Although, because of the distance, they ended up not pursuing a relationship, the experience had given her hope for the future.

In Catherine’s view, her classmates tried very hard to separate sex from emotion, because they believed that getting too attached to someone would interfere with their work. They saw a woman’s marrying young as either proof of a lack of ambition or a tragic mistake that would stunt her career.

But Catherine noted that a handful of young women are starting to question that idea. In an article on Slate titled “Marry Young,” the writer Julia Shaw, who married at 23, said her generation was missing out on the support that young couples could provide each other as they faced the challenges of early adulthood.

“Marriage wasn’t something we did after we’d grown up, it was how we have grown up and grown together,” she wrote of herself and her husband.


From the comments:
Susan Patton - “They have gotten such strong, vitriolic messages from the extreme feminists saying, ‘Go it alone — you don’t need a man,’

I'm not sure it's the feminists. I think the 'go it alone' message comes from Mom and Dad. It allows the parents to retain control over the child. Throw in a little spending money from Pops along with the paid-for college tuition and the control is complete. No need to upset the apple cart with a son-in-law in waiting. The hook-ups simply aren't discussed on the paid-for visits home. Good luck, girls.

What I hear in this piece that is not addressed is the use of alcohol to facilitate sex. It is my experience in life that we use substances when the better alternative-- close relationships that are actually intimate, meaning involve talking, sharing of self and emotion, are not reliable and to me this is not feminism at all but loneliness. Let's not return to the repression of my day, but on the other hand, using others as toys does not create happiness either. There is a middle ground and alcohol has nothing to do with that.
hookupculture  dating  drinking  partying  thedeathofmen  feminism  rapeculture  forthecomments 
october 2016 by kme
The Undetected Rapist - David Lisak, Ph.D.
These men have also consistently been shown to have strong needs to dominate and to be in control of women, and to be particularly fearful of being controlled by women. This characteristic leads them to view sexual relations as “conquests,” and all women as potential “targets ” of conquests. Consistent with their very stereotyped beliefs about sex roles, undetected rapists have been shown to be more e motionally constricted than nonaggressive men. They are less able to label their own emotional experience, and much less emotionally expressive. As a consequence, they are also less capable of resonating with the emotional experience of other people, and are therefore less empathic than nonaggressive men.

Thus, while in general aggression and violence are perceived to be more masculine than feminine traits, the rapist tends to view aggression and violence as crucial markers of his adequacy as a male. They prove to him that he is a “real man.” When such deeply held beliefs are combined with the effects of sexually violent subcultures, as described above, the mixture often becomes dangerous. The “power” motivation that underlies the constant striving for sexual conquests mixes with the rapist’s underlying hostility toward women and his hyperm asculine identity. When a woman resists his coercive sexual pressure, he is very likely to perceive this as a challenge and affront to his masculinity and to react with anger and aggression, behaviors which restore his sense of adequacy.
research  paper  rape  rapeculture  men  statistics 
september 2016 by kme
Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced | Shapely Prose
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.


From the comments:
When we talk about rape as something that happens to 1 in 6 women, it is something that happens to women. Oh no, women! You have a problem! A women’s problem! That has to do with women! What are women going to do to solve this problem?

Perhaps if we rephrased that as “one in sixty (or however many) men will commit rape in his lifetime,” the problem might start to look a little different to certain people.


[...]
Statistic-wise, I did some research, which I’m good at and some math, which I’m not great at.

RAAIN published the 1/6 women is a victim of rape or sexual assault statistic.
The census estimates the female population of the US in 2008 was 154 million.
Which mean 25.5 million women will be raped or assaulted.
The male population is almost 150 million.
If we assume, for simplicity, that every sexual assault is reported and, for worst-case-scenario numbers, that every rapist will only rape 1 woman and then stop, then one out of every 5.83 men is a rapist.


[...]
Anyway, Dr. Lisak conducted research aimed at characterizing the undetected rapist. Briefly, he used a survey that just described behaviors without labeling them. About 120 men self-reported behaviors that would classify as rape. Of these, nearly 2/3rds were serial rapists (76/120), and accounted for an average of 14 victims apiece. So Starling, your guess was right in the damn ball-park.
feminism  creeps  advice  rapeculture  forthecomments 
september 2016 by kme
Companies are using fear to market lifestyle accessories to women | The Verge
The original headline was "How to look cute and not get raped." Hoo boy.
marketing  ws  rapeculture  gaffe 
may 2014 by kme

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