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robertogreco : theonion   12

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son. “I’ve been searching for months, but it’s been so difficult to find a program that devotes all its resources to my child, and only my child,” said Gail, who added that a shocking number of preschools in the area employed teachers who divide their attention between more than one student instead of dedicating all their time to the education, care, and positive mental stimulation of her son. “I think it’s my responsibility as a parent to choose a school with an educational philosophy that is personalized to the specific needs and interests of my child alone. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving my Skyler in a place where he is not the center of attention at every moment of every day.” Gail, who reiterated the importance of choosing a preschool that concentrated solely on her child, said the next few years would be incredibly formative in determining the kind of person he would grow up to be."
humor  parenting  education  schools  2015  theonion 
june 2015 by robertogreco
Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.

Individuals in every country on earth voiced their frustration that, in spite of generations of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse they have suffered at the hands of those in positions of authority, they continue to allow control over the world’s governments, businesses, and virtually every other type of organization and social group to fall to the most megalomaniacal pricks among them.

“We’ve all seen what this system leads to, so you’d think that by now, someone, somewhere would have sat down and thought up another way to keep our societies functioning without giving all the power to arrogant, amoral dicks whose only concern is improving their own status,” said Mumbai software designer Ankan Rao, one of 7.1 billion humans who conveyed continued surprise that their species has so far proven incapable of formulating a method of governance that was even slightly more tolerable. “Everybody dislikes the people in charge and everybody knows they’re only serving their own personal agendas at the expense of everyone else, but we just keep allowing these jerks to make our decisions time and time again. And it’s not just here—it’s everywhere in the world.”

“Boy, maybe we shouldn’t do that anymore,” Rao added. “Anyone have any better ideas?”

Speaking with reporters, citizens across the planet unanimously expressed their bafflement at the consistency with which they either formally or informally select corrupt and self-obsessed sacks of shit for leadership roles in all facets of life, including positions atop corporate boards, judicial and legislative bodies, religious institutions, parent-teacher associations, the military, intramural softball teams, and international and national professional associations, as well as groups of friends deciding where to eat.

In addition, sources offered countless examples of the counterproductive and perplexing practice of entrusting power to the world’s least scrupulous individuals, ranging in scale from a domineering dictator who plunges his country into civil war in order to consolidate his power, to a Foot Locker shift manager who forces his subordinates to close up without him so that he can go home early.

Moreover, everyone across the planet acknowledged that the tradition of allowing an exploitative asshole to take charge of a given situation has been the principal system for group decision-making from the earliest formation of tribal societies to the present day, an admission that caused each member of the human race to either emit an exasperated sigh, shake his or her head, or mutter a profanity."
power  humor  satire  theonion  2014  careerism  authority  abuse 
september 2014 by robertogreco
Unambitious Loser With Happy, Fulfilling Life Still Lives In Hometown | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Longtime acquaintances confirmed to reporters this week that local man Michael Husmer, an unambitious 29-year-old loser who leads an enjoyable and fulfilling life, still lives in his hometown and has no desire to leave.

Claiming that the aimless slouch has never resided more than two hours from his parents and still hangs out with friends from high school, sources close to Husmer reported that the man, who has meaningful, lasting personal relationships and a healthy work-life balance, is an unmotivated washout who’s perfectly comfortable being a nobody for the rest of his life."
success  life  via:vruba  2013  theonion  humor  failure  well-being  happiness  living  relationships  ambition  belonging  identity  place 
july 2013 by robertogreco
Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"I can’t stress this enough: Do what you love…in between work commitments, and family commitments, and commitments that tend to pop up and take immediate precedence over doing the thing you love. Because the bottom line is that life is short, and you owe it to yourself to spend the majority of it giving yourself wholly and completely to something you absolutely hate, and 20 minutes here and there doing what you feel you were put on this earth to do."
humor  theonion  life  leisure  work  2013  self-help  passions  passion 
march 2013 by robertogreco
6 Times The Onion Had People Completely Fooled - Mental Floss
"1. “Study Finds Every Style of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults” …

2. “Congress Threatens To Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol Is Built” …

3. “Harry Potter Books Spark Rise in Satanism Among Children” …

4. “Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked” …

5. “Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex” …

6. “Congress Takes Group of Schoolchildren Hostage” …"
theonion  onion  humor  crapdetection  2012  via:lukeneff  wewanttobelieve  medialiteracy  classideas 
august 2012 by robertogreco
The Clinic (revista) - Wikipedia
"The Clinic [http://www.theclinic.cl/ ] es un semanario chileno de corte satírico, fundado en noviembre de 1998 por Patricio Fernández, Enrique Symns, Marco Enríquez-Ominami y Guillermo Tejeda. Posteriormente se uniría Pablo Dittborn como socio, al mismo tiempo que se retiraba Tejeda. Su nombre se debe a la clínica The London Clinic donde debió permanecer inicialmente Augusto Pinochet mientras estuvo detenido en Londres entre 1998 y 2000. Patricio Fernández sirvió de director de la publicación desde el comienzo hasta agosto del 2006, cuando es reemplazado por el editor Juan Andrés Guzmán. Actualmente, sus editores son Pablo Vergara (general) y Vicente Undurraga (cultura)."
theclinic  chile  media  memo  marcoenríquesominami  enriquesymns  politics  humor  theonion 
august 2011 by robertogreco
CIA's 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs | Onion News Network
"The CIA's invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars."
facebook  cia  socialmedia  video  twitter  humor  theonion 
march 2011 by robertogreco
Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Terlaine reportedly has a long history of neglecting his own sense of happiness in favor of what he thinks will please—or at the very least not disappoint—his parents. In direct opposition to his own personal hopes and desires, Terlaine has talked himself out of such actions as skiing, buying a video-game system, traveling with friends to a beach house on the coast, and taking a cooking class he worried his father would consider a waste of money."
humor  theonion  parenting  generations  guilt  identity 
january 2011 by robertogreco
Thinking about better mousetraps and the Maker Generation – confused of calcutta
"There’s a new generation out there. There are new problems out there. And in between there’s design. Design of things that will sustain; things that are cheap to build; things you can repair yourself; things that aren’t wasteful in energy or even packaging; things that don’t harm other living creatures. Things that are easy and convenient to use. We’ve spoken a long time about building better mousetraps. The Maker Generation are doing something about it.
jprangaswami  makergeneration  making  doing  sustainability  design  designthinking  mousetraps  generations  problemsolving  timbrown  changebydesign  theonion  books  do 
july 2010 by robertogreco
Increasing Number Of Parents Opting To Have Children School-Homed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of American parents are choosing to have their children raised at school rather than at home.
homeschool  parenting  theonion  humor  education  schools  satire 
march 2010 by robertogreco
6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Basic math—which the child has blissfully yet to learn—clearly demonstrates that the number of years before he will be released from the horrifying prison of formal schooling, is more than twice the length of time he has yet existed. According to a conservative estimate of six hours of school five days a week for nine months of the year, Bolduc faces an estimated 14,400 hours trapped in an endless succession of nearly identical, suffocating classrooms.
education  schools  schooling  humor  compulsory  satire  irony  cynicism  children  society  parenting  kids  theonion  existentialism 
october 2009 by robertogreco
6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported. "I don't want to go to school," Bolduc told his parents, the crushing reality of his situation having yet to fully dawn on his naïve consciousness. "I want to play outside with my friends."...Bolduc faces an estimated 14,400 hours trapped in an endless succession of nearly identical, suffocating classrooms. This nightmarish but undeniably real scenario does not take into account additional time spent on homework, extracurricular responsibilities, or college, sources said."
theonion  humor  satire  schools  schooling  education  learning  unschooling  deschooling  children  society  homeschool 
august 2008 by robertogreco

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