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thegrandnarrative : couples   44

Study: The Warning Signs for Relationship Infidelity
The researchers began by following 113 newlywed, heterosexual couples over three and a half years, testing for two psychological responses: disengagement, or the instinct to look away from an attractive person; and devaluation, which is the impulse to downgrade the perceived attractiveness of romantic alternatives. They found that the faster the participant looked away and the more negatively they viewed any romantic alternatives, the more likely they were to avoid infidelity and have a successful marriage. Not letting yourself want what you can’t have, it turns out, is a pretty effective strategy.

While disengagement and devaluation seem like intrinsic, knee-jerk reactions, that’s not exactly the case — and claiming that it’s out of your control is exactly the cop-out it sounds like. “Whether we’re talking about infidelity or other areas of conflict, people don’t realize that instead of reacting, they can take a moment to choose the response,” says Tara Fields, psychotherapist and author of The Love Fix. “People do have control over their reactions and their reactivity.”

In fact, it’s just like any other bad habit, according to Fields: To control it, you have to consider why, exactly, you’re prone to it in the first place. Oftentimes these impulses are environmental; for instance, the participant picked it up from a family member, or saw friends doing it. “Once you look at the behavior and deem it negative, you can then look at the payoff,” explains Fields. “How does it serve you? How does it make you feel?” Even just identifying it helps. After all, the perennial first step to anything is awareness.

Next, the researchers tracked 120 different newlywed couples over the course of three and a half years, and found additional — and equally important — factors that predict infidelity within a relationship. These include being younger, a history of short-term sexual partners, and, weirdly, a satisfying sex life. This last point seems counterintuitive, but the researchers surmised that if a person has a more positive attitude about sex in general, they may be more likely to seek it out with people besides their own partner.

In this case, it does seem like there’s only so much you can do about these predictors — and that’s very little. After all, it’s not possible to go back and change the number of sexual partners you’ve had. And even if a good sex life is a predictor of infidelity, how (and, really, why) would you try to change that?

But according to Fields, avoiding infidelity is primarily a matter of both being aware and keeping your partner in the loop. For example, “if you’re younger, you may be more ambivalent about making a commitment in a monogamous relationship,” she says. “It’s fine as long as you tell your partner.” (This doesn’t fly as an excuse after the fact, she warns. You can’t confess that you’ve cheated and then explain that you felt vulnerable.)

In other words, the predictors identified in this study are far from set-in-stone prophecies, and a policy of total transparency is a sound way to sidestep them. It’s also an indication that I should probably take my boyfriend’s confession as a good sign, especially when the alternative feels a lot like gaslighting: “You’re convincing your partner who’s catching onto things that they’re crazy,” explains Fields. Once that unravels — which it likely will — it’s difficult to recover that trust. Consider it this way: It’s much easier to preserve trust in a relationship than re-create it from scratch.
infidelity  sexual-relationships  adultery  couples  male-gaze 
april 2018 by thegrandnarrative
Our ‘sexperiment’ and other methods of improving our sex life
To help us break this dispiriting pattern, I consulted the sex therapist Esther Perel. She told me that you can’t create desire, but you can “create an atmosphere where desire might unfurl”.

Granting me some agency was key. One night, we tried kissing for 10 minutes, with no pressure to take things further. The stereotypically male definition of sex, Perel told me, is that foreplay is the mere introduction to the “real” thing – but often, for women, it is the real thing. Another time, my husband gave me an obligation-free massage (a real one, not a halfhearted one-minute rub). One night, I read some erotica for 10 minutes that a friend recommended.

Perel finds that the biggest turn-on, across the board, is when people see their partners holding court at a party, or doing something they’re passionate about – any time they are presenting their most radiant selves to the world. “You can admire them,” she told me. “You look at them and they are forever somewhat mysterious, elusive, unknown. When they are in their element, they don’t need you, and hence you don’t have to take care of them, emotionally or psychologically.” In that space cleared of needing, she says, rises the wanting of desire.
couples  parents  sex-life 
april 2017 by thegrandnarrative
Weekenders Find Marriage Is Sweet, Two Days a Week
It’s common in modern China for rural migrant workers to take jobs in big cities to earn more than what they could at home, leaving behind children, spouses, and elderly parents for long periods of time. Now, more and more middle-class urban couples are finding themselves in similar situations: They’re known as “weekend couples” because they only get to see each other on weekends and holidays while pursuing work or study opportunities in different locations.

Long-distance relationships are becoming more acceptable to urban professionals in China, even after marriage. For couples in which both partners are young and ambitious, chasing career excellence, intellectual pursuits, and a more secure material future is worth the emotional cost of living separately. Statistics released in May by, one of the largest online dating platforms in China, show that about 40 percent of urban white-collar women support “weekend marriages,” also known as “5+2” marriages for five days apart and two days together.
weekend  couples  chinese  weekend  couples  주말부부  chinese  marriage 
november 2016 by thegrandnarrative
How Rom-Coms Undermine Women
Here is one of the good things to come out of Donald Trump’s recent hot-mic revelations: The scandal, in its assorted horrors, furthered a much-needed national conversation about the shadowed contours of sexual violence. In response to Trump surrogates’ attempts to dismiss the candidate’s misogynistic comments as “locker-room talk,” media outlets and individual Facebook-opiners alike came forward to insist that, on the contrary, what Trump was describing in Access Hollywood’s recording was in fact a form of assault. Trump’s words, in spite of themselves, ended up bringing a bit of ironic clarity to a culture that is living in the aftermath of patriarchy—during a time in which feminism and Puritanism and sex positivity and sex-shaming and progress and its absence have mingled to make everything, to borrow Facebook’s pleasant euphemism, Complicated.

There’s one more thing, though, that has contributed to all the confusion: the romantic comedy. The common knock against rom-coms—besides their being too often glibly hetero-normative and horrendously lacking in diversity and ironically ambivalent about the women who generally watch them—is that they are fantasies, in the worst way as well as the best. (“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi,” Mindy Kaling, both a lover and a creator of the genre, has said.) The other complaint you can make about them, though, and one that seems especially apt at the current moment, is that rom-coms, on top of everything else, have a troubling tendency to blur the line between romantic exertion and sexual violence. Many assume a fundamental passivity on the part of women, and, relatedly, a fundamental assertiveness on the part of men. For any romantic coupling at all to take place, they argue implicitly—and, indeed, for the human species to have any hope of propagating itself—men must exert themselves, and women must gratefully accept them. Before Mars and Venus can fall in love, many rom-coms assume, Mars must first make Venus do the falling.
rom-coms  romantic  comedies  romance  dating  couples  korean  dramas 
november 2016 by thegrandnarrative
Silent Marriage? 40 Percent of Married Couples Talk Less Than 30 min a Day
A recent study has revealed that four out of ten married couples in Korea talk less than 30 minutes a day with their spouses. Having a spouse that routinely comes home late and the use of smartphones were identified as the main causes of the phenomenon.

The Planned Population Federation of Korea announced the results of its ’2015 Survey on the Awareness of Low Birth Rates’, a mobile survey conducted on 1,516 married people between the ages of 20 and 50.

The survey results showed that 30 percent of the respondents spent 10 to 30 minutes talking to their spouses, while 12.1 percent answered ‘less than 10 minutes’. Another 33.3 percent responded that they talked with their spouses for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, and 24.6 percent answered that they had conversations lasting more than an hour.

The respondents pointed out that ‘coming home late and working on the weekends’ was the biggest factor that prevented couples from talking to each other (29.8 percent). ‘Spending time individually on the TV, computer or smartphone’ ranked second (23.9 percent), and ‘having no time alone because of the kids’ followed (20.9 percent).

The things couples talked about – if they actually had a chance to talk – were mainly ‘how the children are doing, and their future’ (62.3 percent). In second place, 24.3 percent answered that they talked about ‘work’, and 10.7 percent answered that they talked about ‘their relationship’.

On ways to make up after a fight, 44.1 percent answered that they ‘wait until the other is not mad anymore and make things happen naturally’, while 39.5 percent answered they ‘expressed their feelings in words’, and 13.6 percent answered that they had ‘make-up sex’.

Officials from the Planned Population Federation of Korea commented on the results of the survey. “Since communication between married couples is cut off due to many reasons, and since work has been pointed out as a main contributing factor, work-family compatibility through shared duties is important.”
Korean  marriage  Korean  couples 
november 2016 by thegrandnarrative
“A Poison to the Race”: Women, Foreigners and VD in Modern Japan
By the 1920s and 1930s, Japanese officials realized that they could no longer contain VD among Japanese prostitutes as it started to spread more widely among Japanese men. Alarmists considered the influx of Western sexual lifestyles as partly responsible for the spread. Unlike the sex work in licensed quarters, the sexuality of waitresses in Western-style cafés and dance halls could not be easily managed. Anti-VD legislations thus shifted the focus away from prostitutes, toward the coverage of the entire population. In 1920, a Japanese feminist group initiated a campaign to mandate VD examinations for all men before marriage. The petition did not pass, however, because it only targeted men as disease carriers. In 1938, a patriotic women’s organization took on the anti-VD marriage prohibition campaign. The new proposal no longer singled out men as carriers of diseases, but asked for strict medical examinations for infected pregnant women and prostitutes.

These anti-VD initiatives were eventually incorporated into national eugenic policies to support the war effort. The wellness of the national body—especially soldiers—became especially critical as Japan’s war with China and Western imperial nations intensified in the late 1930s and early 1940s. The Ministry of Health and Welfare established the Eugenics Department, whose main task was to prevent the spread of VD, mental illness, alcoholism, tuberculosis, and leprosy. The Ministry named VD a “poison to the race” (minzokudoku)—along with alcoholism and drug abuse—which could harm the future prosperity of the race. The government thus called for the “purity of the Japanese blood,” while blaming prostitutes and other female “entertainers” as the source of the “poison.”
Japanese  xenophobia  Japanese  racism  Japanese  mixed  couples  Japanese  interracial  couples 
october 2016 by thegrandnarrative
Most Koreans Don't Know How Much Spouse Earns
More than half of married people in their 30s and 40s are unsure how much their spouses earn, a study suggests.

Samsung Life published a survey last Thursday showing that 62 percent of husbands and 51 percent of wives do not know how much their spouse makes. The survey was conducted on 200 couples aged 30 to 40.

Husbands tended to believe that their wives earn less than they actually do with 46 percent, but only 15 percent of husbands overestimated the amount. Among the women, 27 percent thought their husbands make less than they actually do and 24 percent thought more.

Men with high-income wives tended to be less aware of the exact figure. When the wife's monthly income surpassed W3 million, only 25 percent of husbands knew exactly how much (US$1=W1,135). But when the wife's monthly income was lower than W1 million, 67 percent knew the exact figure.

Wives with husbands who earn a median income were relatively more aware of how much their spouse made.

Fifty-six percent of women whose husbands make between W2 million to W3 million a month knew the exact figure, dropping to 53 percent if the husbands make W3-4 million, to 42 percent if husbands make more than W4 million and to 33 percent if they make less than W2 million.

When it comes to total household wealth, 90 percent of husbands and 89 percent of wives were aware of the exact value. But only 37 percent of couples knew the exact value of their household wealth. Twenty percent of couples overestimated the value of their assets by more than W100 million.

"For successful financial planning, couples need to communicate regularly and assess their earnings and debt repayment schedules," said Lim Ha-na, a senior researcher at Samsung Life.
Korean  marriage  Korean  couples 
october 2016 by thegrandnarrative
How it feels to live in a sexless marriage – readers respond
Sex is an important part of any relationship, but what happens if it stops? This is more common than you may imagine: research from the sociology department at Georgia State University in the US suggests that 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse within the past six to 12 months.

Last week, we looked at how you can get the spark back, with an article by Joan McFadden in which she offered advice to couples on how to cope with a lack of sex. She wrote: “Therapy can help you with working out what the underlying problem is and can also give you a sense that you are sorting this out together. At the beginning of a relationship, sex can be so easy, natural and exciting that it can feel a little sad that you might have to work at it, but the results can be well worth it.”

We also invited readers to share their thoughts and experiences. Here six people talk about what happens when passion leaves a relationship.

Paul, 36, London

When I got together with my now wife, the sex was fantastic. We were entirely compatible and had similar tastes. After a couple of years, that changed. Initially I thought it was just the natural ebb and flow of a relationship and life stresses etc were getting in the way.

However, by the time we got married everything changed: alarm bells rang loudly on our wedding night when my new bride was too tired to make love – this still stings several years later. After we got married, sex was routine and infrequent. Oral sex was almost non-existent and resentment began to set in. When I tried to address the problem I came up against a brick wall. I tried everything I could to find a solution, researching advice online, helping more around the house and trying not to be demanding while making it clear sex was important to me. The addition of children and the pressure that introduced was another nail in the coffin of our sex life. Sex was reduced to a one-off thing at Christmas or birthdays.

Years of neglect with seemingly no resolution in si
marriage  sex  life  couples 
october 2016 by thegrandnarrative
More and more women contributing to buying newlyweds’ first home

Among women who have married during the past six years, 31% have shouldered some of the financial burden of renting or purchasing the couple’s first home. As housing prices have increased to the point that men cannot afford to cover them alone, the traditional idea that men should pay for housing while women should furnish the home is also changing.

On July 11, the Korea Institute for Health and Social Affairs (KIHASA) released the results of its survey into conditions of the country‘s fertility and family health and welfare for 2015. According to the results, 26.3% of the 9,415 married women (aged 15 to 49) surveyed answered that they had contributed toward the cost of housing.

This statistic increases based on how recent the marriage was. Among women who married in 1994 or earlier, 21.4% said that they paid for housing. Among those who married between 2010 and 2015 the number rose to 30.8%. Within the same period of time, the percentage of men’s parents who contributed rose from 25.2% to 38.2%, while the percentage of women’s parents who helped out increased from 2.9% to 5.1%. Men’s financial burden remained essentially unchanged, rising from 85.2% to 86%. As housing costs skyrocket, the financial burden on women has inevitably increased, while dependence on parents is higher than in the past, as well.
Korean  weddings  marriage  Korean  couples  Korean  gender  roles 
july 2016 by thegrandnarrative
Child focus of married life leads to rise in senior divorces
Kim pointed out that Korean marriages tend to focus on children’s needs rather than on marital happiness. “We are so used to fathers earning money for children’s education while mothers are taking care of them and making sure they go to the right school, get a decent job and marry the right person,” she said. “Once those jobs are over, they are left with their spouses -- whom they hardly spent time with while raising their children. Most men spend most of their time at work, while mothers spend time with their children at home.”

Lee So-yeon said she was shocked at first, but now wants to support her mother’s decision. Growing up, she spent most of her time with her mother, as her father was busy at work, even on weekends. Lee said she never thought of it as something unusual, as most of her friends didn’t get to spend much time with their fathers, either.

“I guess I never really thought of my mother as a wife, and my father as a husband,” she said. “They were wonderful as parents. But I wouldn’t really fully understand what they were like as someone’s spouse, and I’m learning to accept that. Right now I just want both of them to be happy.”

The reasons for the rise in elderly divorce rate also stem from a deeper issue of distorted gender roles and abuse, according to Cho Kyung-ae, a legal counsellor at the KLACFR. Citing a closed court document, she said more women in their 60s and 70s file for divorce than their male counterparts.

The legal expert in family law said many women in the age group have said they endured long-term abuse for the sake of their children, as it was more difficult for single mothers to raise children in the 1970s and 80s.

As of 2012, 83 percent of all single parents here never received any child support from the non-custodial parents. Failure to pay child support has not been considered a crime in Korea.

“Things were different in their times,” she said. “It was very difficult for divorced women to get jobs, and the stigma against divorcees and their children were severe. So they need
korean  marriage  korean  couples  korean  divorce  parents  fathers  childhoods  parental  role  models 
june 2016 by thegrandnarrative
The Rise & Fall Of Japanese Xmas: Please Bring Back The Sex & Money & Carnal Pleasures : Japan Subculture Research Center
After 2008 however, the Christmas-scape altered perceptibly and 3.11 changed it completely. People started talking about ‘kizuna (bonding)’ and ‘kazoku (family),’ two words which have since become embedded in the collective psychology – and they sure ain’t got nothing to do with doing naughty things in hotel rooms. The Christmas season is now pretty much about corporate drinking parties called “bonenkai,’ and otherwise rushing to get work done in time to take New Year’s off – a traditional Japanese event firmly entrenched in the family (again). The only people shopping at Miu Miu these days are those who speak Chinese. Ditto for people with reservations in four star hotels. As for fancy dinners, few Japanese could afford them anymore and the ones that do are not in couples – they’re co-workers in groups of three and four and mostly of the same sex. Have we lost our capacity for ridiculousness, our carpe diem mentality and taste for sexual pleasures? One hates to admit it, but the answ
japanese  holidays  japanese  christmas  japanese  couples  christmas 
december 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Japanese bachelors protest the commercialization of Christmas as a couple's holiday ~ Netizen Buzz 2. [+121, -16] I've been living in Europe for over two years now and the culture of Christmas here is very different than back in Korea. Europe barely has any cultural holidays for couples... Christmas is celebrated by people taking a week off and going back to their hometowns to spend time with their families. If you go to the market in the cities during Christmas, it's usually just people enjoying some wine after work with their families. When I told my European friends that Christmas in Korea is celebrated only by couples, they were so shocked ㅋㅋ Of course they're different cultures but after living here, I think it's more meaningful to celebrate it as a holiday with your family... 4. [+17, -5] Ha... it's not like couples enjoy Christmas either. I have no money, not sure what to buy for her present.. ㅠㅠ What am I doing on someone else's birthday 6. [+9, -2] I think it's wrong that Christmas is celebrated as a couple's holiday too.. it's r
christmas  couples'  holidays  korean  couples  japanese  couples  korean  singles 
december 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Japanese women in court fight to keep their surnames after marriage | World news | The Guardian
Five women are suing the government of Japan over a law requiring spouses to adopt the same surname. The women say the law is unconstitutional and violates married couples’ civil rights, and are demanding compensation. “By losing your surname ... you’re being made light of, you’re not respected ... It’s as if part of your self vanishes,” said Kaori Oguni, a translator and one of the five women involved in the lawsuit. A decision by the supreme court, due on 16 December, coincides with prime minister Shinzo Abe’s push to draw more women into a shrinking workforce. Despite that, many in his conservative ruling party are opposed to any legal change. An 1896 law says spouses must adopt the same surname to legally register their marriage. The law does not specify which one, but in practice, 96% of women take their husband’s name, a reflection of Japan’s male-dominated society. Conservatives say allowing couples to choose whether they share the same surname or not could damage family ti
japanese  women  japanese  marriage  japanese  maiden  names  japanese  couples 
december 2015 by thegrandnarrative
SEX: in bed with Koreans (interracial couples) - YouTube
당신(외국 여성)이 한국 남성들과 깊은 관계를 가질 때 어떤 문제들을 생기는지 얘기하려고 합니다. 이것은 여론조사나 과학적 연구에 기반한 것이 아니며 제 개인적 경험과 한국에 사는 저의 프랑스인 친구들과의 대화를 바탕으로 말하는 것임을 밝힙니다. 한국에서는 섹스가 터부일 뿐만 아니라 성교육이 제대로 이뤄지지 않기 때문에 스스로 알아서 성을 배워야 합니다. 결국 섹스를 포르노를 통해 배우게 되죠. 그래서 포르노와 현실을 구분 못하는 문제가 생깁니다. 프랑스 사람들은 섹스의 에로틱하고 과정과 아름다움을 중요하게 생각하려 하는데 반해 한국 남자들에게 섹스는 그저 단순 투박한 것입니다. 제 친구들과의 대화를 종합해보면 더 큰 문제는 한국 남성들이 여성의 성적 취향을 존중하지 못한다는 것입니다. 상대 여성의 즐거움과 욕망에 대해 관심이 없어요. 본인들이 하고 싶으면 당연히 할 수 있다고 생각합니다. 남자가 원하면 여자도 당연히 원할거라 생각합니다. 진정한 교류나 대화는 없습니다. 보통의 한국 사람들 사이에서도 솔직한 성에 대한 대화가 별로 없습다. 슬픈 것은 내가 사랑하는 사람이므로 그를 행복하게 해주고 싶긴 하지만 섹스를 위한 섹스가 무슨 의미인지 모르겠습니다. 그럼 차라리 원나잇이나 돈주고 섹스를 사는게 낫지 않을까요. 또 하나는 그들이 대부분 포르노로 성을 배운 결과 서양 여성들은 문란하고 "개방적"일 거라고 생각하는 것이죠. 또 모든 외국 여성이 매우 섹스를 원할 거라고 생각합니다. 여러분들(외국 여성)에게 각종 체위를, 때로는 좀 지나친 것까지 요구할 겁니다. 포르노에서 봤다는 이유만으로. 나의 오래 전 파트너는 나에게 항*섹스를 요구하기까지 했답니다. 그건 서양에서도 극단적인 방식인데도 두번째 데이트에 요구하는 것을 보고 매우 충격을 받았답니다. 우린 섹스 머신도 아니고 포르노 스타도 아니에요. 세번째로는 한국 남자는 섹스를 너무 기계적으로 하려고 한다는 겁니다. 옷을 벗고는 샤워를 하러갑니다. 청결이 무척 중요한 반면 어떤 에로틱함은 없는 것이죠. 그
korean  sex  korean  sexuality  korean  couples  korean  men  interracial  couples  occidentalism  foreign  women  in  korea  white  horse 
november 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Japan: one of the few countries in the world where married couples must have the same surname | RocketNews24
What the headlines fail to mention, however, are the archaic laws entrenched in the country’s Civil Code that continue to hold women back, including same surname requirements upon marriage, and differences in the minimum marriageable age and re-marriage prohibition period for both sexes. The UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination Against Women has again called for a revision of Japan’s current laws, slamming the country for being one of the few industrialised nations where it remains illegal for married couples to have different surnames. Despite ratifying the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women in 1985, Japan is yet to pass any revisions on glaring inequalities in their Civil Code. While revisions have been presented to the Committee for Discussion of the Legal System for fourteen years now, there has been no progress in respect to the following three points of contention: Article 731, which sets the marriageable age for men at 18 an
japanese  marriage  japanese  marriages  japanese  surnames  japanese  women  japanese  custody  japanese  couples 
september 2015 by thegrandnarrative
South Korean 'love hotels' clean up act to woo youthful clients
At the Hotel Yaja Wangsimni in Seoul, part of a growing franchise chain, amorous couples can enjoy rooms with whirlpool baths, laptops, brand-name amenities and fresh bedsheets, all for 30,000 won ($26) for three hours. "Motels are now becoming accepted as places couples can comfortably visit as part of regular dates," said a 30-year-old student surnamed Yang, who visits short-stay hotels with his girlfriend up to four times a month. Yang, who lives with his parents, like most unmarried young South Korean adults, declined to give his full name. As young Koreans become less inhibited about using love hotels, they are growing pickier about the ones they frequent, said Kim Young-su, a manager at Yaja franchise brand owner Yanolja, whose name translates as "Hey, let's play". "In the past, the bedrooms were dim and complimentary facilities were non-existent," Kim added. "The buildings were designed for a single purpose." Yanolja has 70 locations and provides information on motels and h
korean  love  hotels  love  hotels  korean  couples 
august 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Series Overview: Love, Sex and Magic in “The Lover” | seoulbeats
An Mnet innovation, The Lover is an omnibus series comprising the stories of four couples who live in a single apartment complex. The premise of the drama is simple: four couples in love and the problems which accompany their relationship as they cohabit in a single apartment. But it is exactly this simplicity that generic romantic K-drama has miserably failed to deal with. Too much investment in background music, naïve heroines, abusive heroes, first kisses, first hand-holding, first fight, first hand wrenching — you catch my drift, right? — has left K-dramas horribly predictable and painfully unrealistic. The Lover breaks that mould with its honesty and maturity. But here’s the catch: Don’t expect a deep, emotional and philosophical experience. Instead, expect unrelenting silliness and madness; expect childish sex jokes and, well, just lots of sex jokes; and most importantly, expect tons of repulsion. Love isn’t only about a cloudburst of cherry blossom leaves. Love is disgusting: i
the  lover  더러버  korean  dramas  korean  sexuality  korean  cohabitation  korean  couples 
july 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Anonymous asked: Could you tell us a bit more of cheating in Korean?! Is it really that prominent?

From my personal experience, cheating in Korea seems to be quite prevalent, but I want to reiterate that my experiences as a foreign woman are quite limiting. Most of the men that I dated were quite dishonest and were pretty terrible at loyalty even when they claimed to be looking for something serious. Between me and my friends, we’ve found many guys other friends were supposed to be dating on dating apps or fucking around at clubs.

Like I mentioned before, I dated three guys who ended up having a girlfriend or who were still actively seeing an “ex-girlfriend.” I’ve heard similar stories from other girls as well. From what I’ve heard from my Korean friends, cheating is common here and one guy on a dating app once told me that everyone cheats on each other…boys and girls because they don’t consider the relationships serious (as in, it’s not like I’m going to marry this person). So maybe it has to do with how relationships are are quite impermanent for people in their twenties here.

I’m sure other people who have lived in Korea for longer can provide more insight. Or even maybe some of my Korean followers? When I talked to Sun about this he seems to feel like this is not necessarily true. I’ve thought about the kind of guys that usually go for foreign girls or the intentions those guys may have and maybe we’re just meeting the super crazy and terrible part of the male population. That is entirely possible.

Also, one of the guys that was dating my friend for three years (they had just gotten engaged! their wedding is now less than 100 days away, woohoo) who I found on Tinder is a white guy. Sooooooooo this might a “men are generally kinda shitty” scenario.
Korean  cheating  Korean  affairs  Korean  dating  Korean  relationships  Korean  couples 
july 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Do Happy Couples Masturbate? -- The Cut
“I have an important question about married life, which remains incomprehensible to me, but I am trying to understand,” I Gchatted my childhood friend Vanessa last week. She’s been with her husband for a decade. “When the hell do you masturbate?” If a hobby is an activity pursued for pleasure, then masturbation is perhaps the hobby most of humanity shares. Though the prevalence of masturbation varies by age, most men and women in all age groups say they do it, and the majority of Americans of both genders continue to indulge at least up to age 60. But contrary to what you might think about handsy adolescents, today’s most frequent masturbators are between the ages of 25 and 29 — a group very much in the relationship stage of their lives. Born not long after Betty Dodson published her revolutionary masturbation how-to Sex for One (the 85-year-old leads female-masturbation workshops to this day), they were raised solidly in an age of sex-positive feminism, easily accessible erotica, and
couples  masturbation  libido  sex  drive 
june 2015 by thegrandnarrative
What Can Lesbians Teach Us About Female Libido? -- The Cut
Efforts to unpack dissatisfaction amongst straight women in long-term relationships expose a problem that can’t be solved by a little blue pill. Recent conversations about a female version of Viagra have presented the drug as a solution to the horny husband/reluctant wife dichotomy. But for a large number of women, the problem isn’t an inability to get aroused, but rather, a disinterest in sex with their particular partner. “For many women, the cause of their sexual malaise appears to be monogamy itself,” Daniel Berger wrote in a New York Times Magazine piece on female libido. Berger sites a German study of 2,500 subjects — “one of the few systematic comparisons of female and male desire at progressive stages of committed relationships” — which found that women and men start out with equal lust for one another. But for women who’ve been with their partners between one year and four, a decrease in lust begins. Their male partner's level of lust seems to remain stable. Higher enjoyment
female  libido  female  sexuality  long-term  couples  lesbians  sexual  relationships 
april 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Marriage has little to do with romantic love | The Japan Times
And therein lies the crux of the issue. There’s an inherent belief that anything rosy, passionate or overly sexual has no place in the Japanese marriage, and by implication the Japanese household. It’s almost the norm for husbands to look for sexual love in every other place but the home, since that territory belongs to his wife and children and therefore is sacrosanct. Weird, and even perverse. But the belief is prevalent even among the younger generation and there’s a strong tendency to distinguish between kazokuai (家族愛, family love) and renai (恋愛, relationship love). The first is all about seikatsu (生活, everyday living) and the other supposedly covers personal pleasure, physical gratification, passion and warmth and other good stuff. There’s even the notion that if you marry the person you love, the whole thing is likely to end in disappointment and divorce. My grandmother had a favorite maxim for this: “Kekkonaite wa gobanme ni sukina hito ga ii (結婚相手は五番目に好きな人がいい, Choose the fifth
japanese  marriage  japanese  couples  marriage  korean  marriage 
april 2015 by thegrandnarrative
In South Korea, Changing Attitudes Toward Marriage South Koreans increasingly see marriage as less imperative and cohabitation as more acceptable.
According to a Dong-a Ilbo report on the data, slightly more than 50 percent of respondents (56.8 percent) agree that “One should get married.” That represents a 10 percentage point drop since 2008 when the number stood at 68.8 percent. The data shared by Dong-a also shows that most people are okay with international marriages. To the statement, “It is okay to marry a foreigner,” 63.2 percent agreed. More than 70 percent of those in their 20s and 30s thought so (74 percent and 73.1 percent respectively). Interestingly, 46.6 percent of respondents agree that “a man and woman can live together even if they aren’t married.” Though more than 50 percent of all respondents disagreed (53.4 percent), over half of both the 20s and 30s age cohorts either “completely” or “somewhat” agreed that cohabitation is acceptable (61.4 percent and 62.8 percent, respectively). Given the conservative nature of South Korean society, these findings are significant. Also covering the report, JTBC notes that
korean  marriage  korean  cohabitation  korean  couples  korean  demographics 
february 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Half of Japanese Couples Live Without Sex
A growing number of married couples in Japan are celibate, with polls suggesting they could amount to almost half. The Family Planning Federation of Japan on Friday said a nationwide survey of 1,134 people between 16 and 49 last year found that 44.6 percent of married individuals are not having sex. That was a 12.7 percent rise compared to the same survey in 2004. The Japanese Association for Sex Education Research classifies a married couple as "sexless" if they do not have sex for more than a month without suffering any ailments. ... In Korea, celibacy is less widespread. Pollster Realmeter and the Korea Institute for Sexology surveyed 1,000 married people and found that 35.1 percent either did not have sex at all or just once over the past month. Also, 33.4 percent said they had sex once or twice a week, while 21.4 percent said twice a month. But 10.1 percent said they had sex daily or three to four times a week.
japanese  couples  japanese  sexuality  japanese  sex 
january 2015 by thegrandnarrative
Do Happy Couples Masturbate? -- The Cut
“I have an important question about married life, which remains incomprehensible to me, but I am trying to understand,” I Gchatted my childhood friend Vanessa last week. She’s been with her husband for a decade. “When the hell do you masturbate?” If a hobby is an activity pursued for pleasure, then masturbation is perhaps the hobby most of humanity shares. Though the prevalence of masturbation varies by age, most men and women in all age groups say they do it, and the majority of Americans of both genders continue to indulge at least up to age 60. But contrary to what you might think about handsy adolescents, today’s most frequent masturbators are between the ages of 25 and 29 — a group very much in the relationship stage of their lives. Born not long after Betty Dodson published her revolutionary masturbation how-to Sex for One (the 85-year-old leads female-masturbation workshops to this day), they were raised solidly in an age of sex-positive feminism, easily accessible erotica, and
masturbation  marriage  couples  sex  lives 
january 2015 by thegrandnarrative
It's Not Christmas In Japan Without KFC | Fast Company | Business Innovation
Christmas isn't a national holiday in Japan— less than one percent of the population is Christian. But, because of what is possibly one of the most successful marketing campaigns of all time, for the last 40 years the Japanese have celebrated Jesus's big day with a big bucket of KFC. Legend has it that the strange pairing started in the winter of 1974 after a non-Japanese customer complained that she couldn't get turkey for the holiday. "I just have no choice but celebrating Christmas with KFC chicken," she said, according to KFC. Having only opened in Japan about four years earlier, KFC was looking for ways to get the Japanese to embrace fried chicken, which is considered more of a luxury product in the country. Christmas might not be a religious celebration in Japan, but the holiday has turned into a commercial affair, with lots of money spent on decorations, gifts, and celebrations. Marrying a special-occasion food with a special occasion made perfect sense, and that year, KFC hel
japanese  couples  japanese  dating  japanese  christmas  kfc  japanese  kfc  branding  branded  holidays  peppero 
december 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Most Couples Still Depend on Parents for Marriage
The Chosun Ilbo and the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family surveyed 1,200 couples and their parents and found that there is still a tendency to have lavish weddings they cannot afford and pay the price later. Many feel that parents should shoulder some of the marriage cost for their children. Some 84.6 percent of the parents surveyed said they feel obliged to pay for the cost if they can, compared to 64.8 percent of the couples. Only 10.4 percent of the couples said they paid for the entire cost of getting married. One out of every three couples said their parents paid more than 60 percent. A common thread in the answers was the need to keep up with the Joneses. This has spawned three stereotypes that turn getting married into a nightmare. The first is that the groom's parents should provide a home for the newlywed couple, cited by 62.8 percent. Second is the need to exchange an impressive dowry, cited by 44.6 percent. And third is the need to invite vast numbers of guests to i
korean  couples  korean  marriages  korean  weddings  korean  economy 
november 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Dating for Dummies | KOREA EXPOSÉ
A couple, obviously bored out of their minds, stare intently at their smartphones in a Seoul coffee shop. The small talk, if there is any, is painful to eavesdrop on. Despite their matching clothes, ubiquitous couple rings, and obligatory selfies together, they seem to have little in common. So why the frequency of such awkward pairings in the coffee shops of Seoul? “You don’t have a girlfriend? Why not?” is probably the most common question single men get asked in South Korea. Dating is a fairly straightforward endeavour and there is no reason not to do it, as my South Korean housemate constantly reminds me. Dating à la coréenne has been reduced to checking items off a list, following a textbook of do’s and don’ts. I give you the lowdown: The Introduction ☑ The easiest way to meet women is through your friend: he will introduce you to someone he knows and set up a sogaeting — a pre-arranged date. Alternatively, you can use a sogaeting app. Once both you and your potential girlfrien
korean  dating  korean  couples  korean  blind  dates 
october 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Survey: long work hours mean many married couples have sex only once a month : National : Home
Last year, Ahn Hong-yeon, 37, a woman living in Gimpo New Town, Gyeonggi Province, a bedroom community near Seoul, finally managed to have a child after six years of marriage. She would like to have a second child before it‘s too late, but it’s not easy to find time to be intimate with her husband, who doesn‘t get home until after 11 pm. Even when she figures out when she’s ovulating, her chances of getting pregnant are low since she and her husband only have intercourse once or twice a month. A survey conducted by the Hankyoreh of 59 full-time homemakers in their 30s and 40s from an online message board for homemakers in Gimpo New Town found that nearly half of respondents barely have a chance to see their husbands. The women had 1.6 children on average, and their average age was 36.5 years. The majority of these women are still able to have children, but many of them are virtually sexless. When asked about how often they have sexual intercourse, 25 out of 55 said just once a month.
korean  sexuality  korean  sex  korean  married  couples  korean  workplaces  korean  birthrate  korean  working  hours 
october 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Being Objectified May Be Linked To Sexual Coercion In Romantic Relationships, Study Says
Overall, the researchers found only a moderate level of objectification and low rates of sexual coercion, but the link between these two variables was statistically significant: The men who objectified their partners were also the men who sexually pressured and coerced their partners. As for the women, those who reported that their partners stared at their bodies frequently were more likely to believe that "it's a woman's role to satisfy her partner sexually." They were also more likely to have experienced sexual coercion in the form of violence or other behavior-controlling mechanisms. One such coercive practice is "commitment manipulation," which researchers measured by offering statements like "My partner hinted that if I loved him I would have sex with him" and asking the women how often that had happened to them. An atmosphere of objectification also seems to inform the way women view their own bodies. The study found that women whose partners stared at their bodies frequently w
objectification  relationships  marriage  couples 
august 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Number of 'sexless' couples on the rise
A large number of Korean couples are failing to have sex at least once month, according to a Happy Sex Education Center survey. The center quizzed 224 married women over 30 on their sex lives and nearly 27 percent of them said they didn't have sex with their husbands in over a month. Korea's long working hours and the difficulty of managing a work-life balance, a bigger problem for working moms, have been suppressing sexual activity among married people, the center said. Also, a person's sexual attractiveness often comes with an expiration date. In a joint survey, matchmaking companies Only You and Bien Aller asked 546 divorced men and women why they stopped having sex with their former partners. Nearly 33 percent of the men and 29 percent of women said that their partners had simply ceased to be interesting to them.
korean  sexuality  korean  couples  korean  married  couples  korean  marriage 
august 2014 by thegrandnarrative
The Myth of Wealthy Men and Beautiful Women - James Hamblin - The Atlantic
She referred specifically to the gendered version, “in which an economically successful man partners with a beautiful 'trophy wife,'" as commonplace. But McClintock found that outside of ailing tycoons and Donald Trump, in the practical world it basically doesn’t exist. Where it does, it doesn’t last. The dominant force in mating is matching. What appears to be an exchange of beauty for socioeconomic status is often actually not an exchange, McClintock wrote, but a series of matched virtues. Economically successful women partner with economically successful men, and physically attractive women partner with physically attractive men. “Sometimes you hear that really nice guys get hot girls,” McClintock told me, “[but] I found that really nice guys get really nice girls. [Being nice] is not really buying you any currency in the attractiveness realm. If the guys are hot, too, then sure, they can get a hot girl.” Because people of high socioeconomic status are, on average, rated as more
wealth  beauty  mating  strategies  sexual  attraction  couples 
july 2014 by thegrandnarrative
4 out of 10 S. Koreans unmarried, highest in OECD + 0.2% cohabiting
Four out of ten South Koreans are not married, the highest rate among the 34 Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development member countries, a recent report said. According to marriage figures included in the Society at a Glance 2014 report released by the OECD in Mar. 2014, the percentage of South Koreans over the age of 15 who had never been married was 38.6% as of 2012. The OECD average for the rate of individuals who have not married was 27.1%. Trailing South Korea in the rate of unmarried people were Chile at 38.0% and Ireland at 33.4%. “The biggest reason for the increase in the unmarried rate is that more women are working and getting married for the first time later, which is leading to there being more unmarried people in their twenties and thirties,” said Lee Sang-rim, director of the center for population research at the Korea Institute for Health and Social Affairs (KIHASA), on May 6. “We can infer that people are gradually getting married later as housing become
korean  marriage  korean  couples  korean  demographics 
june 2014 by thegrandnarrative
More career women opt for younger men
Her case is hardly normal _ in monotonous Korea it would be called a rarity _ but, nowadays more love stories like hers are being presented as the new norm within small screens and beyond. The jTBC's "Secret Love Affair" tells the love story of a 40 year old woman with a man half her age, while the recently premiered tvN's drama "A Witch's Love" also depicts a 39-year-old successful career woman dating a 20-year old man. If not as distinct as those, a crop of other new dramas, including "Rude Miss Young-ae" and "Cunning Single Lady" to name a few, also deal with older women falling in love with younger men. .. Statistics Korea's recently published data on marriage and divorce shows that the number of marriages between older women and younger men in 2013 was the highest in 33 years since it started collecting related data in 1981. The 41,300 cases or 16.2 percent of the total marriages of last year were made between such couples. Its portion has been steadily increasing over the decad
korean  marriage  korean  couples  age  gap 
june 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Why parents should embrace date nights | Life and style | The Guardian
Adults going out on their own together is good for their relationship – and allows children to see that mum and dad have a life beyond the family It could be any Saturday night, almost certainly the wrong side of 9pm, and our two elder children – 11 and 10 – are settling down with us to watch a "family film". It's a weekend ritual that we initially encouraged as a shared alternative to screen-time but has now somehow created a different kind of problem. "OK, so two episodes of Modern Family, says one, stretching out on the sofa. "Yup, and then my choice on Netflix," continues the other. "And, er, Dad, where's the homemade popcorn you promised? Not too much salt this time." Endless snacks and a luxury of viewing time lies ahead of them, and we are consigned to refreshment duties, trips back and forth to the kitchen for the next round. Oh well, there's no more sofa space left for us anyway. When we're lucky, we get an hour or two alone, but it's only temporary. Often we have to keep
parenting  children  couples  families  child-raising 
march 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Foreign men sound off on difficulties of having a Japanese wife
A common complaint from foreign men is a lack of overt affection from their Japanese wives. It’s well known that Japanese are less likely to utter the phrase “I love you” than their native English-speaking counterparts, but the lack of validation can seem all the more distressing when your wife has no problem showing her devotion to someone she’s only seen on stage holding a microphone. “My wife is really into Japanese boy bands, like the guys in the Johnny’s production group.” It’s not just verbal affirmation some men hope for more of, either. Like most of Asia, Japan has very different standards about casual physical contact from many Western cultures, and one person’s casual flirting can be another’s violation of personal boundaries. “Sometimes, even though I hardly touched her, she asks ‘What are you groping me for?’ and shoots me a hard look.” Still, at least some compatibility on this issue is a prerequisite for most marriages, and plenty of international couples are cozy eno
international  marriages  international  relationships  affection  japanese  wives  international  couples  korean  wives 
january 2014 by thegrandnarrative
More older couples getting divorced : National : Home
Middle-age couples married twenty years or more represented the largest portion of divorces last year in South Korea, data show. This is the first time ever that their age group has come out first on the listing. A Statistics Korea report on divorce and remarriage published on Dec. 10 showed 30,200 divorces among couples that had been married 20 years or more, representing 26.4% of the total. Another 28,200 divorces, or 24.7%, happened between couples married four years or less, the segment that had consistently ranked first in divorces since statistics were first kept in 1982. That year, only 1,300 divorces, or 4.9% of the total, involved couples married for more than two decades. Thirty years later, that number has risen by 23.2 times, and the percentage has increased by 5.3 times. The total number of divorces rose steadily through 2003 before dipping by an average of 4.1% each year between 2003 and 2012. But for men over 60 and women over 50, the rise has not stopped. As a ref
korean  divorce  korean  couples  korean  marriage  korean  demographics 
january 2014 by thegrandnarrative
Many Married Couples Talk Less Than 30 Minutes a Day
Over a third of married couples spend less than half an hour a day talking to one other, a recent survey shows. In a nationwide poll of 1,002 married men and women conducted from Nov. 11 to 16 by the Planned Population Federation of Korea, 32.9 percent said they spend 30 minutes to one hour a day talking with their spouses. Another 29.8 percent said 10 to 30 minutes, while 8.6 percent said less than 10 minutes. Only 28.7 percent spend more than an hour in conversation with each other. The majority of respondents, or 58.8 percent, said they mostly chat during mealtimes, while 21.5 percent said they do so before going to sleep. Another 14 percent said they only find time to talk during the weekends, while 5.7 percent said the same was true of when they wake up in the morning. When asked what factors that hinder their conversation, 34.4 percent said getting home late and working at weekends, while 29.9 percent cited watching TV or playing on their smartphones. Some 19.2 percent said t
couples  marriage  korean  couples  korean  marriage  smartphones 
january 2014 by thegrandnarrative
"I'm hungry.": The declaration that launched a thousand feelings.
"I'm hungry.": The declaration that launched a thousand feelings. As sometimes happens in life, this weekend (and over the course of the last couple of weeks, in fact) I found myself thinking on some things, and then, this afternoon, a link popped up on one of my social networking accounts to this article from Groove, which runs a weird parallel to some of the things B and I have been dealing with lately. Only a parallel, though, and not the exact same line. A long while back, when B and I were first discussing moving in together, we had a conversation while out for a walk on a winter day, about all the various things we were scared of, when it came to moving in together. I've often thought that it's lucky that B and I are usually on the same page with commitment type things, because otherwise, there'd be a lot more hurt feelings. I think the adjustment to coming around to living together has been made a lot easier by the fact that we both feel we can be completely honest about o...
marriedcouples  koreancouples  gendersocialization  cohabitation  cohabiting  genderroles  housework  koreanmarriedcouples  couples 
september 2013 by thegrandnarrative

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