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Aeon Essays -- Consent and refusal are not the only talking points in sex by Rebecca Kukla
'...Part of what is interesting about safe words is that they let someone exit an activity at any time without having to explain themselves, or accuse anyone of transgression or any other kind of wrongdoing (although they can also be used when there has been a transgression). Calling ‘red’ does not imply that anyone has messed up or violated consent; it simply ends things. It calls for no apology and requires no apology after its use. It is significant that safe words are typically semantically irrelevant words that are not going to otherwise come up in a normal sexual encounter – they are designed to intrude minimally and unambiguously, without calling for interpretation, discussion or conversational response. Without a safe-word system, if I want to abruptly end a scene or activity, I need to say something like: ‘Stop this immediately.’ It’s very difficult for such a speech act not to come off as a rebuke; it almost inevitably creates a rift in our interaction that now needs repairing. -- ... Safe words are powerful discursive tools for enabling sexual autonomy, pleasure and safety, in at least two senses. Most straightforwardly, they offer a tool for exiting an activity cleanly and clearly, with almost no room for miscommunication. But even more interesting to me is the fact that safe words allow people to engage in activities, explore desires and experience pleasures that would be too risky otherwise. When we want to experiment with something that might give us pleasure, but also might make us uncomfortable or put us at risk, we need to be especially sure that we can exit the activity easily. Safe words thus expand the space of opportunities for sexual agency. There are all sorts of things that we might like to do or try that are dangerous or unappealing if we don’t have confidence that we can stop them without ambiguity or extended negotiation or hurt feelings. This might include potentially painful or uncomfortable activities, as well as activities in which we are role-playing coercion or domination and submission, and any other activities involving nonliteral speech. But it can also include anything that we would like to explore, even though it potentially pushes the boundaries of our comfort zone. -- And safe words should never become the only way that someone can exit a scene or activity – all participants need to remain flexibly responsive to other discursive cues as well. So, ‘Oh no, please, I can’t take any more, no!’ might well be part of a consensual domination scene rather than an attempt to end it, but ‘No really, get off me, I need to pee and you are pressing on my bladder’ is almost always an indication that autonomous participation has been withdrawn, as is ‘Damn it, it’s already 8:00 – I need to leave for work.’ Safe words are a tool for enhancing sexual autonomy and safety, but they should never replace the force of the rest of speech. -- While (unsurprisingly) the original and paradigmatic home of safe words is the BDSM community, I think it would be fantastic if the use of safe words became standard practice (even outside the sexual domain), and in particular if training in the use of safe words became a completely standard part of sex and health education for teens. Safe words give people the ability to stop an activity clearly and without an argument or a formulated reason. This is especially important for young people who are just beginning to explore sex, figure out what they enjoy, and learn how to hear and respect one another’s limits. Safe words also enable people to explore desires whose fulfilment would otherwise be dangerous or uncomfortable. Normalising their use would be a major step in empowering and protecting the safety and autonomy of everyone. Having the system in play creates a space for ongoing consent and active experimentation and sexual collaboration.'
sexuality  securityvsnovelty  communication 
8 hours ago by adamcrowe
(509) Neuroscientist: Why Trumpists Will Never Abandon Trump - YouTube
Neuroscientist: Why Trumpists Will Never Abandon Trump
- cult of personality
- cognitive dissonance
- fear, "Denial of Death" Book / Martha Nussbaum book on fear
awareness of own mortality. Ease fear of death by world view through ideologies (that outlive the individual)
- thus strengthens your world view, ideology
- immigration attacks existence and place in history ("we will not erase us")
- Trump exaggerating threats, heightens fear, and existencial threat (and felt place in history) thus strengthens grip onto ideology and world view 'I will not erased.'
- Donald Trumps communication is more engaging.
- Conservatives are more hyper-vigilant (tuned in to threats)
Cult  of  Personality  cognitive  dissonance  Psychology  Brexit  Corbyn  Jeremy  AfD  PEGIDA  Sociology  fear  book  mortality  communication  evolution 
21 hours ago by asterisk2a
Emitter: Scalable Real-Time Communication Across Devices
Emitter is a real-time communication service for connecting online devices. The Publish-Subscribe messaging API is built for speed and security.
communication  realtime  service  golang  go  messaging  mqtt  iot  internetofthings  mobile 
yesterday by dlkinney
coworker is praying for me to have a baby, and more — Ask a Manager
==
I read a great reply to questions like “so when are you having (more) kids??” in Carolyn Hax.

“I have one friend who would look the other person right in the eye and say, in an extremely kind tone of voice, ‘You never know when you’re going to cause someone tremendous pain by asking that.'”
children  communication 
yesterday by UnchartedWorlds
the distinction between "transmission" and "ritual' views of communication
I am trying something new today. This thread will introduce you to an academic concept that scholars of media and communication have found useful: the distinction between "transmission" and "ritual' views of communication. Let's see if i can bring it alive for you. Ready? 1/
twitter  communication  thread  theory 
3 days ago by nullrend

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